Wives and the Stupid **** They Say/Do

[Whiskeyjack]

Read this one again, and it reminded me of these:

The scale on that map is all wrong. Alaska and Hawaii aren't nearly as close to the coast of Texas as it seems. The Mexican Ocean is vast.

 

[ACamp1900]

Friend hooked up with a girl in Nashville who though Minnesota was a city in Wisconsin.

Pics of said girl, cause she better be smokin'.

Some chick who hooks up with random guys happens to also be stupid?? shocking. I can also, just on the available information surmise that she does in fact smoke, though may or may not be good looking.

 

[koonja]

Pics of said girl, cause she better be smokin'.

Some chick who hooks up with random guys happens to also be stupid?? shocking. I can also, just on the available information surmise that she does in fact smoke, though may or may not be good looking.

I don't have a pic, and she didn't smoke. She was actually decently attractive and seemed sweet, but holy dumb.

 

[ulukinatme]

Some chick who hooks up with random guys happens to also be stupid?? shocking. I can also, just on the available information surmise that she does in fact smoke, though may or may not be good looking.

I don't have a pic, and she didn't smoke. She was actually decently attractive and seemed sweet, but holy dumb.

 

[GATTACA!]

I don't have a pic, and she didn't smoke. She was actually decently attractive and seemed sweet, but holy dumb.

 

[Rack Em]

I don't have a pic, and she didn't smoke. She was actually decently attractive and seemed sweet, but holy dumb.

Brick would have delivered the goods. He's a better poster than you and I miss him.

 

[GowerND11]

Brick would have delivered the goods. He's a better poster than you and I miss him.

But did Brick and/or Koon's friend PIIHB? That's the answer we all need.

 

[nlroma1o]

My wife constantly washes dishes in the dishwasher that are already clean..... she just assumes that I have already taken out the clean load.... she doesn't even bother to check... she will just re-wash a full or half full load.... drives me absolutely insanse...

 

[woolybug25]

My wife constantly washes dishes in the dishwasher that are already clean..... she just assumes that I have already taken out the clean load.... she doesn't even bother to check... she will just re-wash a full or half full load.... drives me absolutely insanse...

I do this too. I'm not taking a chance that there is some half eaten food on a fork because someone assumed it's dirty. I also never do a full load. Always a half or less. Easier on my dishwasher and plumbing, plus the dishes get cleaner.

 

[Wingman Ray]

The wife buys whatever looks good in the package at the supermarket rather than checking price/oz. Hence, I do 95% of the grocery shopping but when she does her 5%, I always question if Im married to a teenager.

 

[Wild Bill]

My wife constantly washes dishes in the dishwasher that are already clean..... she just assumes that I have already taken out the clean load.... she doesn't even bother to check... she will just re-wash a full or half full load.... drives me absolutely insanse...

I encourage mine to wash the dishes as many times as her little heart desires.

Save your anger for when she decides not to wash the dishes.

 

[Irish#1]

My wife constantly washes dishes in the dishwasher that are already clean..... she just assumes that I have already taken out the clean load.... she doesn't even bother to check... she will just re-wash a full or half full load.... drives me absolutely insanse...

Sounds like you're slacking in unloading the dishwasher. lol

 

[ulukinatme]

I just got back from a vacation in Gatlinburg, and I probably could have added a bunch of stories, but I'll leave just one for now. We were staying in a cabin on the mountain, surrounded by dozens of cookie cutter cabins that matched ours. To get to the road the cabin was on you have to go up a steep road, through an open gated entrance, and just past the gate was a pool. Now, access to a pool wasn't listed in the amenities of the cabin, but it's pretty safe to say that the pool was created for that community's use. The signs around the pool area even matched the ones around the roads for the cabins.

Well, on the last day of the vacation it was pretty hot, and I suggested we head down to the pool to cool off. She brought up the fact the pool wasn't listed as a cabin asset, and was sure that we weren't allowed to be there. She's certain if we go down there we'll be cast out, publicly shamed, and will never be able to return. I took two of the kids down anyway and relaxed in the water for nearly 2 hours. No other families were there, had the whole place to ourselves, and there was no "pool guardian" to toss us out in the unlikely event we weren't allowed to swim there. Meanwhile my wife stewed back in the cabin in a smelly hot tub that reeked of mildew and only had 25% of it's jets working.

 

[ulukinatme]

These aren't mine, but I thought I'd share for the lulz

My wife makes a point to open all the shutters in the house before we leave in the morning.

Me: Why
Her: I like the light.
Me: But you are gone all day.
Her: So.
Me: Because the sun heats up the house and the AC has to work hard and cost money to cool the house while we aren't here. Especially upstairs.
Her: (This is my favorite. I get it all the time) You don't know that.
Me: When you are outside, is it cooler in the sun or the shade?
Her: Uhmmm.. It is different indoors.

Father's Day this year, I asked my wife if I was going to "get a beej for Father's Day." Her response..."What? You're not my father!"

 

[wizards8507]

So we leave for our Disney trip on Friday. It's me, my wife, my daughter, my parents and one of my sisters staying in a big two bedroom villa. Two days ago, i.e. literally a week before the trip, my mother in law and her sister (I basically have two mothers in law since one of them is a widow and the other never married) decide to invite themselves on the goddamn vacation. These women are mobility impaired and couldn't give two shits about rides or anything else that could be considered fun. It's going to be a week of them hounding me for my merchandise discount in the parks.

Sent from my SM-N910T using Tapatalk

 

[calvegas04]

So we leave for our Disney trip on Friday. It's me, my wife, my daughter, my parents and one of my sisters staying in a big two bedroom villa. Two days ago, i.e. literally a week before the trip, my mother in law and her sister (I basically have two mothers in law since one of them is a widow and the other never married) decide to invite themselves on the goddamn vacation. These women are mobility impaired and couldn't give two shits about rides or anything else that could be considered fun. It's going to be a week of them hounding me for my merchandise discount in the parks.

Sent from my SM-N910T using Tapatalk

discounts are for the poors

 

[Irish#1]

So we leave for our Disney trip on Friday. It's me, my wife, my daughter, my parents and one of my sisters staying in a big two bedroom villa. Two days ago, i.e. literally a week before the trip, my mother in law and her sister (I basically have two mothers in law since one of them is a widow and the other never married) decide to invite themselves on the goddamn vacation. These women are mobility impaired and couldn't give two shits about rides or anything else that could be considered fun. It's going to be a week of them hounding me for my merchandise discount in the parks.

Sent from my SM-N910T using Tapatalk

Sack up and tell them everything is already planned and paid for.

 

[wizards8507]

Sack up and tell them everything is already planned and paid for.

I did. They're rich, they don't care. They booked their own room and bought their own tickets.

 

[IrishLion]

It's going to be a week of them hounding me for my merchandise discount in the parks.

When my son is old enough for Legos, I'm gonna hound you for a company discount on Star Wars sets.

I'll Venmo the cash.

 

[ulukinatme]

This one didn't come from my wife, but my MIL, via a social media question:

"Does anyone know is there anything u can get to protect your dog's eyes from the eclipse?"

Here's another that wasn't from mine, but it was too good not to share:

We have Uverse for our cable. I'm working from home and it suddenly shuts off. Cable, internet, everything. I reset the box a couple times and nothing. After about 15 minutes of this the wife comes down to ask what the problem is. I tell her everything is down and I call AT&T. She keeps asking how it happened and wants me to lose my shit at AT&T. I'm a pretty calm guy and don't blow up at any type of tech support people so I ignore. Appointment set for the next day, no big deal.

All day the wife is bitching about how "there's no excuse for this" blah blah blah. She is totally fixated on wanting to know how the hell this happened. Well...I go outside to the truck and find the cable line (AT&T forgot to bury it when they installed a few weeks before) cut into several pieces. I tell the wife and this is what I hear:

"Oh yeah, the yard guys called me this morning to say they accidentally cut the cable wire"

She didn't think that had anything to do with the cable being out.

 

[Irish#1]

The wife is always telling me not to run over this or that with the lawn tractor. We plant a tulip tree "start" that is about 5" tall. Guess who ran over it?

 

[ulukinatme]

The wife is always telling me not to run over this or that with the lawn tractor. We plant a tulip tree "start" that is about 5" tall. Guess who ran over it?

It's obviously still your fault for not having the common courtesy to remind her of the same thing!

 

[Irish#1]

It's obviously still your fault for not having the common courtesy to remind her of the same thing!

Remind her and risk losing my life? lol

 

[NDFan4Life]

Here's a good one for ya.

We just spent $85 to get the front end aligned on the wife's Highlander. The guy at the garage told her that we should get new tires before getting the alignment. Instead of buying new tires, she goes to a place that sells used tires and gets the alignment done. The guy told her that the "new" tires she bought are even worse than the tires we had on there before. There's $100 down the tubes for the "new" tires. Now she complains that the car drives like shit and wants to get new tires. We go out and spend $300 on the new tires, and the car still drives like shit.

Yep! You guessed it!

It needs another front end alignment.

 

[NorthDakota]

The wife is always telling me not to run over this or that with the lawn tractor. We plant a tulip tree "start" that is about 5" tall. Guess who ran over it?

You had me at tractor. Can I see a pic?

 

[Whiskeyjack]

The wife is always telling me not to run over this or that with the lawn tractor. We plant a tulip tree "start" that is about 5" tall. Guess who ran over it?

Tough one. Can you give us a hint?

 

[ulukinatme]

Here's a good one for ya.

We just spent $85 to get the front end aligned on the wife's Highlander. The guy at the garage told her that we should get new tires before getting the alignment. Instead of buying new tires, she goes to a place that sells used tires and gets the alignment done. The guy told her that the "new" tires she bought are even worse than the tires we had on there before. There's $100 down the tubes for the "new" tires. Now she complains that the car drives like shit and wants to get new tires. We go out and spend $300 on the new tires, and the car still drives like shit.

Yep! You guessed it!

It needs another front end alignment.

See, you screwed up by letting her take it to the shop. This one is partly on you Reps anyway.

 

[dshans]

Then there was the time my wife used my '67 Volvo to go to a movie one night in the middle of a MN February. Her sweet Turbo charged LeBaron LS was in for a tune-up.

She came home pissed as hell, after taking a cab. The Volvo wouldn't start. She catches a ride to work the next morning. At 6 AM I take the bus (two transfers at -5 degrees) to check it out, prepared to have it towed to shop.

Lo and Behold! She tried to start it while in Drive rather than Park!

Put it in Park, started it up and was home in time to go to work. Volvos have excellent heaters, by the way.

It was still my fault, mind you. It was a car I bought from a friend of hers at her suggestion.

 

[Irish#1]

Tough one. Can you give us a hint?

Touche!

Let's just say she wasn't nearly as upset as she would have been if her husband had been mowing the lawn. lol

 

[Irish#1]

Then there was the time my wife used my '67 Volvo to go to a movie one night in the middle of a MN February. Her sweet Turbo charged LeBaron LS was in for a tune-up.

She came home pissed as hell, after taking a cab. The Volvo wouldn't start. She catches a ride to work the next morning. At 6 AM I take the bus (two transfers at -5 degrees) to check it out, prepared to have it towed to shop.

Lo and Behold! She tried to start it while in Drive rather than Park!

Put it in Park, started it up and was home in time to go to work. Volvos have excellent heaters, by the way.

It was still my fault, mind you. It was a car I bought from a friend of hers at her suggestion.

Of course it was your fault. She only suggested you buy it.