Wives and the Stupid **** They Say/Do

[greyhammer90]

I'm pretty ashamed to say this but I dont know any of you personally so here it goes. My wife didn't know that sea shells were part of a living creature.

.... But where...

Where does she think they come from?

 

[Wild Bill]

Me and my lady are walking around the block after work one day and we decide to stop for ice cream. We're about a three blocks from home and she says "I need to get home now". I reminded her that my place was right around the corner. And she responds, "I need a bathroom now".

We're in no man's land at this point. There are no bathrooms around, a cab would take too long to flag down and she realizes there is only one way home. She takes off and I'm just sitting there watching a petite blond sprinting in a pair of lululemons with her butt cheeks clenched.

I walk into the house and from the bathroom I hear the voice of an angel, "dear, can you get the garbage can? I shit my pants."

She's a lady, gentleman.

 

[Cackalacky]

 

[Fbolt]

this thread is a rep machine-great stuff

 

[Irishnuke]

.... But where...

Where does she think they come from?

Exactly what I asked her. She had no clue. She thought they were just there.

 

[gmnysdad]

I was getting out of the navy. We were discussing potential places to get a job. I had mentioned going to Arizona and she tells me "No, I never want to live west of the Mason Dixon"


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[ARALOU]

Obvious sign the wife knows your password.

Apparently several wives have their husbands log ins. Or a firm grip on their sack.

 

[bkess8]

LIVE REPORT: Offered to go and get my wife and daughter some donuts for breakfast and my wife asks me to pick her up some coffee Creamer. I then ask her for the specifics of said creamer, type, brand, anything else she would like to disclose. So after waiting in a long ass line at the donut shop I stop by the grocery store real quick and get said creamer. I am sitting on my couch at home with my donut in had when my wife says "why did you get fat free?" I just about lost it, the only specific thing she asked for about the creamer was the flavor! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY DIFFERENT TYPES OF THAT FLAVOR OF CREAMER THERE ARE IN THE GROCERY STORE! If you wanted a specific one you should of disclose that before I walked my ass out the door to go to the grocery store!

<------ NOT A DAMN MIND READER!

 

[ACamp1900]

My wife just told me we should have steak and BJ Thursday today,....I told her to look at the damn calendar and tell me what day of the week it is!!... Dumb broad.

 

[woolybug25]

LIVE REPORT: Offered to go and get my wife and daughter some donuts for breakfast and my wife asks me to pick her up some coffee Creamer. I then ask her for the specifics of said creamer, type, brand, anything else she would like to disclose. So after waiting in a long ass line at the donut shop I stop by the grocery store real quick and get said creamer. I am sitting on my couch at home with my donut in had when my wife says "why did you get fat free?" I just about lost it, the only specific thing she asked for about the creamer was the flavor! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY DIFFERENT TYPES OF THAT FLAVOR OF CREAMER THERE ARE IN THE GROCERY STORE! If you wanted a specific one you should of disclose that before I walked my ass out the door to go to the grocery store!

<------ NOT A DAMN MIND READER!

All I could take from that story is that I need to open the donut shop I talked about in the Shark Tank thread.

Do my part to bring a small amount of joy to the husbands out there.

 

[ARALOU]

Fat free creamer with donuts? She should have cod kicked you.

 

[BeauBenken]

My wife knows how to use the internet. So I won't be participating in this thread. God speed, gentlemen.

Smart man.

When this thread started i laughed and thought, "I'm a lucky man, I can't really think of anything," then you posted this...

1.) My wife thinks she's a gps, and has to talk out the directions to every little place all the time... I'm laid back so I let her have that role, except we get lost constantly.. lol

2.) On the lunch thing, my wife and I work for the same school, one of works for the School of Nursing, the other for the School of Education... we actually work in the same building on different floors... She does this thing in regards to lunch, she complains when I go to lunch without her, BUT, the thing is, when I DO ask her to go to lunch with me she has to take time looking for coupons or finding the nutritional readings for the burrito spot down the street online... or even worse, she tries to completely alter where we go according to whatever diet kick she is on at the time... she'll even suggest the most horrid, Satan inspired, food joint on the planet, Panera Bread... soooooo, I avoid asking her to lunch and just grab a damn burrito,... then she acts all butt hurt.

Panera's Turkey Bacon Bravo is delicious. Along with their Cinnamon Crunch bagels.

You're a doofus.

Get the cheating dream thing too. WTF?

Guys, they secretly want you to cheat on them.

 

[Jimmy3Putt]

I'm not much of a writer/storyteller, but I'll try my best.

When we moved into our new house I had my wife set up the utilities, internet, etc.
Keep in mind we have had directv for years already. When you move they setup the satellite for you and stuff.


Well, six years later I noticed a phone book in the driveway when I got home one day.
I was a bit confused since we only have our cell phones.
We don't even have a land line phone jack in the whole house.

I casually mentioned to her that the phone company left us a book by mistake.
She then tells me it isn't a mistake.
Even more confused I page through to find my name in the book with a number I never knew about.
She then proceeds to tell me that when she called Comcast to hook up the internet, the guy told her it was cheaper if she got all three.
All three???
She'd been paying for a home phone line, cable, and internet for SIX YEARS!
SIX YEARS!!!!!!!!
We never even hooked up the phone or the cable (I HAVE DIRECTV)!

I was forced to explain to her that, yes, the internet is cheaper if you get all three from them, but not when you only are using one of the services and are paying another tv provider also. So instead of paying 80 bucks a month for internet she'd been paying 185 bucks a month for "all three" on top of the $120 for directv.
Somehow she only heard the word "cheaper" and her mind stopped there.

Needless to say, I handle the bills now.

 

[woolybug25]

Panera's Turkey Bacon Bravo is delicious. Along with their Cinnamon Crunch bagels.

You're a doufous.

Their breakfast sandwiches are ridiculously good.

Acamp has no taste. Peasant tastebuds on that guy.

 

[greyhammer90]

Panera's Turkey Bacon Bravo is delicious.

Man that tomato bread with the sweet crust. Everything else about that sandwich is meh, but that bread is the bomb.

 

[NDdomer2]

Watching a movie last night with the wife. Car chase, big accident. She says, Did you see that accident?"

It was the only thing on the screen, how could I have missed?

 

[BeauBenken]

Man that tomato bread with the sweet crust. Everything else about that sandwich is meh, but that bread is the bomb.

You're wrong. The whole thing is delicious.

But yes, that bread is amazing.

 

[IrishSteelhead]

Two single young lads are in here quibbling over fucking Panera Bread.

Married guys-1
Single guys-0

*As you know, this will be the last time we have the lead, enjoy it

 

[bkess8]

Watching a movie last night with the wife. Car chase, big accident. She says, Did you see that accident?"

It was the only thing on the screen, how could I have missed?

I always hate it when my wife asks me about the movie we are watching knowing this is the first time either of us have seen it.

On another note my wife just asked me to fix a picture frame for here that would stay straight, as I am looking it over to see what the problem is she begins to tell me how to fix it. If she knows how to fix it then why in the hell am I doing it. I calmly told her to leave and that she only needs to worry about the end product.

 

[GEORGIA DOMER]

The shit that came out of my wife's mouth leaving Tallahassee last year. Wrong time wrong place. She has no clue about physical confrontation. Really clueless about it. Drives me nuts

 

[ulukinatme]

I'm not much of a writer/storyteller, but I'll try my best.

When we moved into our new house I had my wife set up the utilities, internet, etc.
Keep in mind we have had directv for years already. When you move they setup the satellite for you and stuff.


Well, six years later I noticed a phone book in the driveway when I got home one day.
I was a bit confused since we only have our cell phones.
We don't even have a land line phone jack in the whole house.

I casually mentioned to her that the phone company left us a book by mistake.
She then tells me it isn't a mistake.
Even more confused I page through to find my name in the book with a number I never knew about.
She then proceeds to tell me that when she called Comcast to hook up the internet, the guy told her it was cheaper if she got all three.
All three???
She'd been paying for a home phone line, cable, and internet for SIX YEARS!
SIX YEARS!!!!!!!!
We never even hooked up the phone or the cable (I HAVE DIRECTV)!

I was forced to explain to her that, yes, the internet is cheaper if you get all three from them, but not when you only are using one of the services and are paying another tv provider also. So instead of paying 80 bucks a month for internet she'd been paying 185 bucks a month for "all three" on top of the $120 for directv.
Somehow she only heard the word "cheaper" and her mind stopped there.

Needless to say, I handle the bills now.

Holy crap, this is on par with Wooly's story about his sister driving the car without oil, just not as expensive. Reps.

 

[ulukinatme]

Wife: "OMG, son #2 grabbed my pop again off the table and spilled it everywhere. Why does this always happen?!"
Me: "Maybe you should put it higher up so he can't reach it?"
Wife: "Tone."

 

[Cackalacky]

I'm not much of a writer/storyteller, but I'll try my best.

When we moved into our new house I had my wife set up the utilities, internet, etc.
Keep in mind we have had directv for years already. When you move they setup the satellite for you and stuff.


Well, six years later I noticed a phone book in the driveway when I got home one day.
I was a bit confused since we only have our cell phones.
We don't even have a land line phone jack in the whole house.

I casually mentioned to her that the phone company left us a book by mistake.
She then tells me it isn't a mistake.
Even more confused I page through to find my name in the book with a number I never knew about.
She then proceeds to tell me that when she called Comcast to hook up the internet, the guy told her it was cheaper if she got all three.
All three???
She'd been paying for a home phone line, cable, and internet for SIX YEARS!
SIX YEARS!!!!!!!!
We never even hooked up the phone or the cable (I HAVE DIRECTV)!

I was forced to explain to her that, yes, the internet is cheaper if you get all three from them, but not when you only are using one of the services and are paying another tv provider also. So instead of paying 80 bucks a month for internet she'd been paying 185 bucks a month for "all three" on top of the $120 for directv.
Somehow she only heard the word "cheaper" and her mind stopped there.

Needless to say, I handle the bills now.

Omg ..... I honestly have no idea how I would have reacted if this was my situation.... holy crap...
Realistically I probably would have reacted the way I normally do. Retreat to my woodshop with my impotent rage.

 

[ulukinatme]

Omg ..... I honestly have no idea how I would have reacted if this was my situation.... holy crap...
Realistically I probably would have reacted the way I normally do. Retreat to my woodshop with my impotent rage.

 

[ARALOU]

Only advice I can give. Never, ever, tell your future wife that you don't argue when you know you are right. The arguments will never end.

 

[kmoose]

I'm not much of a writer/storyteller, but I'll try my best.

When we moved into our new house I had my wife set up the utilities, internet, etc.
Keep in mind we have had directv for years already. When you move they setup the satellite for you and stuff.


Well, six years later I noticed a phone book in the driveway when I got home one day.
I was a bit confused since we only have our cell phones.
We don't even have a land line phone jack in the whole house.

I casually mentioned to her that the phone company left us a book by mistake.
She then tells me it isn't a mistake.
Even more confused I page through to find my name in the book with a number I never knew about.
She then proceeds to tell me that when she called Comcast to hook up the internet, the guy told her it was cheaper if she got all three.
All three???
She'd been paying for a home phone line, cable, and internet for SIX YEARS!
SIX YEARS!!!!!!!!
We never even hooked up the phone or the cable (I HAVE DIRECTV)!

I was forced to explain to her that, yes, the internet is cheaper if you get all three from them, but not when you only are using one of the services and are paying another tv provider also. So instead of paying 80 bucks a month for internet she'd been paying 185 bucks a month for "all three" on top of the $120 for directv.
Somehow she only heard the word "cheaper" and her mind stopped there.

Needless to say, I handle the bills now.

I don't know which is worse............ the fact that your wife did this, or the fact that it took you 6 years to notice a phone book in your driveway?

 

[ARALOU]

I'm not much of a writer/storyteller, but I'll try my best.

When we moved into our new house I had my wife set up the utilities, internet, etc.
Keep in mind we have had directv for years already. When you move they setup the satellite for you and stuff.


Well, six years later I noticed a phone book in the driveway when I got home one day.
I was a bit confused since we only have our cell phones.
We don't even have a land line phone jack in the whole house.

I casually mentioned to her that the phone company left us a book by mistake.
She then tells me it isn't a mistake.
Even more confused I page through to find my name in the book with a number I never knew about.
She then proceeds to tell me that when she called Comcast to hook up the internet, the guy told her it was cheaper if she got all three.
All three???
She'd been paying for a home phone line, cable, and internet for SIX YEARS!
SIX YEARS!!!!!!!!
We never even hooked up the phone or the cable (I HAVE DIRECTV)!

I was forced to explain to her that, yes, the internet is cheaper if you get all three from them, but not when you only are using one of the services and are paying another tv provider also. So instead of paying 80 bucks a month for internet she'd been paying 185 bucks a month for "all three" on top of the $120 for directv.
Somehow she only heard the word "cheaper" and her mind stopped there.

Needless to say, I handle the bills now.

Winner. Unanimous, first ballot HOF.

 

[cody1smith]

Honestly figured this would be over a million posts by now......

 

[ulukinatme]

Honestly figured this would be over a million posts by now......

Give it time. Many of us forget the day to day stuff our wives do because we're so used to just shaking our head and moving on.

 

[bkess8]

Winner. Unanimous, first ballot HOF.

Not a bad idea to make a HOF and add it to the OP.

Could just have the posters name and what page his story is on or what post number it is and maybe a real real brief description!