Wives and the Stupid **** They Say/Do

[NDTH91]

Not a bad idea to make a HOF and add it to the OP.

Could just have the posters name and what page his story is on or what post number it is and maybe a real real brief description!

I love it.

"Jimmy3Putt - Post #73 - 'The Phantom Phone Book'"

Keep 'em coming guys, these are gold!

 

[calvegas04]

the wife and I after mexican food which is normally 5 nights a week
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[ulukinatme]

This isn't mine, reposting it because I always got a laugh out of it:

Let me preface this by saying my wife is brilliant... most of the time.

This was not one of them.

Me (showing off talking GPS system in loaner Land Rover): Look honey, you can change the voice from this British woman to a British man, Spanish, French, or whatever!
Wife (sees "Norwegian" on the list): Oooh! Pick "Norwegian", 'cause my family's from Norway!
Me: Oooookay (makes selection)
GPS system: Bork! Bork! Bork! *
Wife: I can't understand a word it's saying!
Me: That's because it's in Norwegian, honey!
Wife: Oh... I thought it would be in English with a Norwegian accent!

* Yes, I know that's the Swedish Chef... but I don't speak Norwegian... and neither does my wife, apparently.

 

[Irish#1]

I m glad to hear I'm not the only one that gets the cheating dreams held against them.

I think the dream thing is pretty common. After all these years, my wife still has them once in a while, but she finally quit holding them against me.

 

[ulukinatme]

I think the dream thing is pretty common. After all these years, my wife still has them once in a while, but she finally quit holding them against me.

Tell me your secret.

 

[Irish#1]

LIVE REPORT: Offered to go and get my wife and daughter some donuts for breakfast and my wife asks me to pick her up some coffee Creamer. I then ask her for the specifics of said creamer, type, brand, anything else she would like to disclose. So after waiting in a long ass line at the donut shop I stop by the grocery store real quick and get said creamer. I am sitting on my couch at home with my donut in had when my wife says "why did you get fat free?" I just about lost it, the only specific thing she asked for about the creamer was the flavor! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY DIFFERENT TYPES OF THAT FLAVOR OF CREAMER THERE ARE IN THE GROCERY STORE! If you wanted a specific one you should of disclose that before I walked my ass out the door to go to the grocery store!

<------ NOT A DAMN MIND READER!

By buying fat free, you unknowingly were telling her she's fat. Lived that one before.

 

[Irish#1]

Tell me your secret.

Time

 

[Irish#1]

We use to raise Blueticks. We had one that loved to bark, so I bought a bark trainer. I was testing it per the instructions, when my wife asks to see it. She put it to her throat and then began to speak. The look on her face was SHOCKING and priceless when she realized it worked.

Years ago, she had come home telling me she had put water in the car because it was overheating. I checked the radiator and saw it was full of antifreeze so I asked her to show me where she had added it. She pointed to the oil fill cap.

 

[IrishSteelhead]

Does anyone else have to stop the world every time a spider or bug is in the house?

Like a full on, hysterical, "GET IT.......GET IT!!!!!!!" until the threat of an ant touching her skin is over?

 

[NDinL.A.]

If the roles were reversed, I think my wife could have a list about 50 times longer than mine. And I'm beyond lucky for what I have. So while I was about to write a decent story, so as not to tempt fate, I'll just bow out now lol...

 

[IrishLion]

Does anyone else have to stop the world every time a spider or bug is in the house?

Like a full on, hysterical, "GET IT.......GET IT!!!!!!!" until the threat of an ant touching her skin is over?

Yes. A million times yes. I recently moved into an old, old house with an unfinished basement. As such, the foundation has a few more spots for creepers and crawlers to make their way in than our previous house. Nothing huge, just a few spiders in the unused corners and some crickets that decide to throw concerts in the stairwell of the storm door.

At least once a week, depending on laundry nights, there is horrified shrieking in the basement, followed by near-sobbing and cries for help. It's usually a small spider, and on rare occasions a water bug. Easily remedied by a foot brought down upon the trespassing party. BUT, that doesn't prevent the "PLEASE HELP ME I'M GONNA DIE" panic from setting in.

 

[RDU Irish]

Anyone else need to remind themselves constantly that complaints are not solicitations for solutions? It is so damn hard when the same damn thing has just been covered for the thirteenth time that day. Yeah, I was here the last six times you complained for thirty minutes about it and now you bite my head off for offering a solution.

Conversely, if I can't spit out a story in less than 10 seconds I am a bumbling idiot who needs to stop wasting her time.

 

[BGIF]

Does anyone else have to stop the world every time a spider or bug is in the house?

Like a full on, hysterical, "GET IT.......GET IT!!!!!!!" until the threat of an ant touching her skin is over?

My wife owns a 9mm, a shotgun, and is a member of the NRA. BUT, if a spider or a bug appears, "GET IT! ... GET IT!!

I jump to it aware of what a shotgun can do to the insides of a house.

 

[ClausentoTate]

Despite having a double-major in Econ/Accounting from ND, my SO still doesn't know her left from her right. When she's giving directions she literally has to point, and if she doesn't she gets angry when I take a wrong turn. I taught her the "L" trick and she's starting to get it.

Apparently this has something to do with genetics but it seems ridiculous. Her aunt doesn't know the difference either and has a PhD in Marine Biology.

 

[ACamp1900]

Does anyone else have to stop the world every time a spider or bug is in the house?

Like a full on, hysterical, "GET IT.......GET IT!!!!!!!" until the threat of an ant touching her skin is over?

Absolutely, ... But she's pretty good at killing them quick so I never stay hysterical for long........

 

[Irish#1]

Conversely, if I can't spit out a story in less than 10 seconds I am a bumbling idiot who needs to stop wasting her time.

You married to my wife?

Despite having a double-major in Econ/Accounting from ND, my SO still doesn't know her left from her right. When she's giving directions she literally has to point, and if she doesn't she gets angry when I take a wrong turn. I taught her the "L" trick and she's starting to get it.

Apparently this has something to do with genetics but it seems ridiculous. Her aunt doesn't know the difference either and has a PhD in Marine Biology.

I'm always telling my wife, "No your other "left", or your other "right"" Did we all marry the same lady?

 

[NDdomer2]

If the roles were reversed, I think my wife could have a list about 50 times longer than mine. And I'm beyond lucky for what I have. So while I was about to write a decent story, so as not to tempt fate, I'll just bow out now lol...

While this is probably true for most of us, mine usually are due to a few too many and therefore null because the root cause is known. Hers, completely sober.

So I have a training in SB today and tomorrow. Had to get up pretty early to hit the road. I come to bed (11pm) and she says, "what are you doing here, I thought you had to leave for training?"

Yeah, gonna get there a 2am see if anyone needs help with training materials...

 

[ulukinatme]

Anyone else need to remind themselves constantly that complaints are not solicitations for solutions? It is so damn hard when the same damn thing has just been covered for the thirteenth time that day. Yeah, I was here the last six times you complained for thirty minutes about it and now you bite my head off for offering a solution.

Conversely, if I can't spit out a story in less than 10 seconds I am a bumbling idiot who needs to stop wasting her time.

Can't win there

 

[ulukinatme]

Still seeing a lot of "Can't post my story, cause the wife is all seeing, all knowing." Wife please, send me your stories with the names and minor details changed to protect the innocent and I'll post them.

 

[woolybug25]

Still seeing a lot of "Can't post my story, cause the wife is all seeing, all knowing." Wife please, send me your stories with the names and minor details changed to protect the innocent and I'll post them.

They just want to say they have stories... they really don't have em'...

 

[NDdomer2]

Anyone else need to remind themselves constantly that complaints are not solicitations for solutions? It is so damn hard when the same damn thing has just been covered for the thirteenth time that day. Yeah, I was here the last six times you complained for thirty minutes about it and now you bite my head off for offering a solution.

Conversely, if I can't spit out a story in less than 10 seconds I am a bumbling idiot who needs to stop wasting her time.

I run into this constantly. I realized that if I'm going to be the bad guy no matter what, I'll be the bad guy for not talking. It leads to not being the bad guy on multiple occasions.

 

[IrishLion]

This is more of a pet-peeve, but my fiance has little-to-no situational awareness while driving. On a three-lane highway, she'll tailgate people in the middle and right lanes, rather than getting over into the completely-open left lane to pass them and go however fast she wants.

She also always picks the least optimal route when navigating traffic on the highway, which drives me crazy. I like to spot ahead and move in-and-out of lanes around the slow-movers and to account for the drivers around me that are struggling, whereas she will pick the most crowded and backed-up lanes to get home... and then gets mad at everyone for being bad drivers.

That's really about my only complaint to this point, aside from the "THIS SMALL SPIDER WILL KILL ME, PLZ HELP," and it's been 7 years.

On the flip side, I would love to see her list about the stupid sh*t I've done from her POV haha.

 

[ulukinatme]

This is more of a pet-peeve, but my fiance has little-to-no situational awareness while driving. On a three-lane highway, she'll tailgate people in the middle and right lanes, rather than getting over into the completely-open left lane to pass them and go however fast she wants.

She also always picks the least optimal route when navigating traffic on the highway, which drives me crazy. I like to spot ahead and move in-and-out of lanes around the slow-movers and to account for the drivers around me that are struggling, whereas she will pick the most crowded and backed-up lanes to get home... and then gets mad at everyone for being bad drivers.

That's really about my only complaint to this point, aside from the "THIS SMALL SPIDER WILL KILL ME, PLZ HELP," and it's been 7 years.

On the flip side, I would love to see her list about the stupid sh*t I've done from her POV haha.

I've learned to love the things that were pet peeves before marriage, simply because I realized they're probably not going to get better and it's healthier to be able to laugh about them. Can't tell you how many fans and lights are left on in our house throughout a day, but I'm fairly certain her family didn't practice saving electricity in her house growing up. I give her a pass, but I've done a damn good job training my daughter to shut things off when she leaves a room.

 

[RDU Irish]

Now the time she came home drunk at 2 or 3AM and calls me saying something is wrong with the garage code so let her in (slurred speech made it hard to make out this issue). I ask what number she is punching in and have to tell her it is the GD phone number. I didn't let her in or remind her what the number was but she did figure it out quickly from there. Winter in Wisconsin too.



Whoops, that was me after a grossly over served poker night in the neighborhood. I deserve every ounce of shit she gives me.

 

[Irish#1]

They just want to say they have stories... they really don't have em'...

Correct. As a matter of fact, they are probably trembling and looking over their shoulders as they tell us they have no stories. Guilty by association!

 

[ulukinatme]

Now the time she came home drunk at 2 or 3AM and calls me saying something is wrong with the garage code so let her in (slurred speech made it hard to make out this issue). I ask what number she is punching in and have to tell her it is the GD phone number. I didn't let her in or remind her what the number was but she did figure it out quickly from there. Winter in Wisconsin too.



Whoops, that was me after a grossly over served poker night in the neighborhood. I deserve every ounce of shit she gives me.

This was going really good until the last line

 

[Irish#1]

I've learned to love the things that were pet peeves before marriage, simply because I realized they're probably not going to get better and it's healthier to be able to laugh about them. Can't tell you how many fans and lights are left on in our house throughout a day, but I'm fairly certain her family didn't practice saving electricity in her house growing up. I give her a pass, but I've done a damn good job training my daughter to shut things off when she leaves a room.

"I left in on because I know I'll be going back in there later."

Or they make a cup of coffee in the Kuerig and leave the old K-cup on the counter with the trashcan just four feet away.

 

[kmoose]

Despite having a double-major in Econ/Accounting from ND, my SO still doesn't know her left from her right. When she's giving directions she literally has to point, and if she doesn't she gets angry when I take a wrong turn. I taught her the "L" trick and she's starting to get it.

Apparently this has something to do with genetics but it seems ridiculous. Her aunt doesn't know the difference either and has a PhD in Marine Biology.

Try using port and starboard instead...

 

[ulukinatme]

Had one last night.

Wife brought the groceries home last night. It was pitch black, and she pulled the van right up to the back door. Naturally I turn the outside light on and go out to help bring the groceries in.
Her: "Turn the light off, it'll attract bugs."
Me: "This will only take a few minutes, they're not going to all congregate that fast."
Her: "But bugs...."
Me: "Alright, but it's going to be hard to see the steps and shit."
Open the trunk and a couple bags of food tumble out onto the ground, I pick them as best I can but even with the faint glow of the interior car lights there's no way to be sure there isn't more under the bumper.
We finish bringing the groceries in.
Her: "Did you get all the food that fell out?"
I start chuckling. "Well, I did my best, but it's impossible to tell since the light is...."
Her: "Stop."

 

[T Town Tommy]

The wife and I were visiting our son at college this weekend and we went out to dinner with him and his girlfriend who happens to be from Texas. As we were driving home my wife asked me if I noticed all she talked about was Texas.

"Texas, Texas. Texas. There are 52 other states in this country. Why does she feel the need to only talk about Texas?"

I just agreed with her and kept on driving. Bless her heart.