Wives and the Stupid **** They Say/Do

[ACamp1900]

My wife never gardens, ever,... that’s me. But she got the bug to pull weeds in our pumpkin/watermelon patch. I told her,... Do not mistake the melons for weeds. They look like small pumpkins, if you don’t know, don’t pull. She says okay and I go grill diner. Fast forward to food being ready: I go to the patch to tell her and I find every single last watermelon plant pulled,..............

 

[MNIrishman]

When we moved from OH to SC, we had a ton of help on the front end. Neighbors and friends packed us up and we were off. Get to SC, it's raining like crazy and it's just me, my wife, and two teenagers...oh and a bunch of new "neighbors" sitting on their front porches watching us. Glad we only rented that place short term. To top it off, I had to be in Birmingham, AL by 9:00 AM the next morning - what was I thinking? What a nightmare.

So your old neighbors were excited to pack you off and your new neighbors were less than excited to have you around? Buddy, maybe the problem ain't the neighbors lol

 

[Irish#1]

The wife has this rolling beverage cart that she repurposed to use outside. She took a lot of old wooden slats and covered the outside to give it an old distressed look. Doesn't look bad, but the bottom has deteriorated due to being outside for a couple of years and the wheels keep falling out. She decides she's going to fix it once and for all.

I get home from work and the cart is upside down. I see she put some new wood on the bottom to repair it. She asks how she can put the wheels on and I tell her to just drill a hole slightly smaller than the stem on the wheel and hammer them in. "Can you do that for me?" "Sure, let me change clothes first".

I come back out and she tells me I better check to see if the boards she put on it will hold before I start on the wheels. I walk over grab one board, pull up and out it comes. "What did you do that for?" lol

 

[ulukinatme]

The wife has this rolling beverage cart that she repurposed to use outside. She took a lot of old wooden slats and covered the outside to give it an old distressed look. Doesn't look bad, but the bottom has deteriorated due to being outside for a couple of years and the wheels keep falling out. She decides she's going to fix it once and for all.

I get home from work and the cart is upside down. I see she put some new wood on the bottom to repair it. She asks how she can put the wheels on and I tell her to just drill a hole slightly smaller than the stem on the wheel and hammer them in. "Can you do that for me?" "Sure, let me change clothes first".

I come back out and she tells me I better check to see if the boards she put on it will hold before I start on the wheels. I walk over grab one board, pull up and out it comes. "What did you do that for?" lol

 

[ulukinatme]

We had painters coming today.* In preparation this weekend I spent Saturday*night painting the trim in the stairwell and upstairs hallway because it had never been done.* We also have two bay-view windows that were previously painted, but she likes to put some sticky crap down to hold her Christmas displays and fake snow in the winter...and so those have to be sanded a bit and touched up.*This was late last night while I'm busy working on a million things:

Her: "Why don't you sand and paint those bay-view windows tonight?"

Me: "Nah, I'll do them after he leaves."

Her: "You painted the stairwell trim last night, why not fix the bay-view windows while you're at it?* Why is every suggestion I make disregarded?"

Me: "The stairwell trim has never been painted.* If I do it now and make some mistakes in a rush, the painter is just going to paint over the mistakes later.* The bay-view window trim is already painted, it just needs touch ups.* It can be fixed without getting paint close to the walls, so it's not a priority.* I'd rather prioritize the rest of the evening getting*furniture moved away from the walls, dust, straighten things*up, etc so he can work."

Her: "Oh, that makes sense."

We have this same discussion about priorities on a regular basis.* When the painter was coming to do the estimate weeks ago I wanted to clean up the house before he came so it wasn't such a mess.* The wife decided that was a good time to sort through an old box of kids clothes that had been stored away in the laundry room...the painter wasn't even going near the laundry room.

 

[Irish#1]

We’ll never truly understand them.

 

[Bishop2b5]

One night last week while I was at work, my wife watched Fast Times At Ridgemont High for the first time. When I got home she was telling me about it and asked if I knew who Phoebe Cates was. I explained to her that I was 22 when the movie came out and definitely knew about her. My wife then said, "Holy cow she was cute! I've never had any desire to be with another woman, but damn, I'd do her!" So, I've been unable to focus or get any work done since.

 

[ulukinatme]

One night last week while I was at work, my wife watched Fast Times At Ridgemont High for the first time. When I got home she was telling me about it and asked if I knew who Phoebe Cates was. I explained to her that I was 22 when the movie came out and definitely knew about her. My wife then said, "Holy cow she was cute! I've never had any desire to be with another woman, but damn, I'd do her!" So, I've been unable to focus or get any work done since.

Sir, I think you're looking for the "Wives and the Awesome Things They Say" thread.

 

[Irish#1]

Sir, I think you're looking for the "Wives and the Awesome Things They Say" thread.

I don't think the search function works on this site. In all of these years, I've never been able to find that thread.

In case you see this, still love you dear!

 

[Cackalacky2.0]

I pissed my wife off this morning. She sent me an email with the subject "Thinking of you." I opened the email to this:

Its me and her in the stands of the Waterpocalypse game at Clemson right before the game ends. Savage.

 

[NDdomer2]

so the other day my wife says can you believe Aiden is 1/3 of the way to 3 years old.

I sat in silence for a bit, and she says "what". I said well he's 2, wouldnt that be 2/3 of the way to 3?

She sat in silence for a bit, then tells me, "No, hes 2 years and 4 months old, 12 divided by 3 is 4. he is 1/3 of the way to being 3. AND YOURE THE ACCOUNTANT, HA!"

 

[Cackalacky2.0]

Does not compute

 

[NDdomer2]

Does not compute

Yeah I just replied I've never heard of someone celebrating 1/3 years before.

 

[Trait Expectations]

so the other day my wife says can you believe Aiden is 1/3 of the way to 3 years old.

I sat in silence for a bit, and she says "what". I said well he's 2, wouldnt that be 2/3 of the way to 3?

She sat in silence for a bit, then tells me, "No, hes 2 years and 4 months old, 12 divided by 3 is 4. he is 1/3 of the way to being 3. AND YOURE THE ACCOUNTANT, HA!"

He's 7/9ths of the way there.

 

[Ndaccountant]

Yeah I just replied I've never heard of someone celebrating 1/3 years before.

You should ask her how close he is in dog years and really let the fun begin.

 

[Cackalacky2.0]

You should ask her how close he is in dog years and really let the fun begin.

Ask her how old she is in dog years. ….

 

[Irish#1]

I pissed my wife off this morning. She sent me an email with the subject "Thinking of you." I opened the email to this:

Its me and her in the stands of the Waterpocalypse game at Clemson right before the game ends. Savage.

You really did piss her off! lol

 

[Cackalacky2.0]

You really did piss her off! lol

This is what Im up against. She is no rookie.

 

[tussin]

A not atypical conversation in my home:

Her: Dinner is served! I made us baked salmon with sweet potatoes and roasted asparagus.
Me: **eating** This is fantastic, thank you so much.
Her: **lovingly** You're welcome! I am so happy you like it.
Me: Hey, next time you make the asparagus maybe consider grating some par...
Her: **suddenly infuriated** WELL NEXT TIME YOU CAN MAKE IT!

 

[NDdomer2]

Our son is sick and I asked if we gave him this one medicine "last night". To which she replied, "no, we gave him that yesterday after dinner".......

 

[IrishLion]

A not atypical conversation in my home:

This is my life.

I've learned not to offer suggestions, even when she asks, and even when I've vehemently expressed beforehand that the food is truly delicious already.

I once told my wife that she should step the spice up on her turkey chili. It's amazing, and probably my favorite thing she makes, and it already has a little kick that makes it enjoyable. If she added just a bit more heat, it would be an award-winning dish if she wished to enter it into a chili cookoff. When I suggested more heat, she told me kindly to fuck off if I didn't like it and that I could find my own recipe to make.

She made the chili last night... then asked if maybe it needed a bit more heat.

I told her it was fine how it was.

 

[Irish#1]

This is my life.

I've learned not to offer suggestions, even when she asks, and even when I've vehemently expressed beforehand that the food is truly delicious already.

I once told my wife that she should step the spice up on her turkey chili. It's amazing, and probably my favorite thing she makes, and it already has a little kick that makes it enjoyable. If she added just a bit more heat, it would be an award-winning dish if she wished to enter it into a chili cookoff. When I suggested more heat, she told me kindly to fuck off if I didn't like it and that I could find my own recipe to make.

She made the chili last night... then asked if maybe it needed a bit more heat.

I told her it was fine how it was.

At least you're a quick learner.

 

[Irish#1]

My wife has been worried about cyber crimes and our accounts getting hacked. She swears someone got into our PayPal account, but there was no questionable transactions, withdrawals, etc. I told her I can turn on Multi-Factor Authentication. She says go ahead, so I jump on the account and turn it on.

The next day as soon as I get home from work,.....
Her......"I don't know what happened, but I hate this!"
Me ......"What's wrong?
Her..... "I don't know what happened but now when I login into PayPal it asks me for a code and my password."

 

[Cackalacky2.0]

The sooner you all realize you will ALWAYS be wrong no matter what... you married life become smuch easier. Then you can transition into a life of barely listening and doing what you want becasue it doesnt matter. lol.

 

[Irish#1]

The sooner you all realize you will ALWAYS be wrong no matter what... you married life become smuch easier. Then you can transition into a life of barely listening and doing what you want becasue it doesnt matter.

That's an inherent gene in all males. Usually doesn't kick in until you hit your fifties and becomes more dominant as you get older.

 

[Cackalacky2.0]

As an aside im doing somethin in the garage... trying to repair a drywall joint or something and my wife comes out and says "Why are you doing that?"
I say "becasue it needs to be done"
-"What for?"
"Because its high up on my long list of little things to do"
- "Well I saw a youtube video and you are doing it wrong. You should be doing.... xyz"
Thats cool... this is how I do it. Maybe you can watch a you tube video on how to cook me some food"
- "I dont need to do that... I know how to cook food..."
"Do you though?"

This is where im at.

 

[Some Irish Bloke]

As an aside im doing somethin in the garage... trying to repair a drywall joint or something and my wife comes out and says "Why are you doing that?"
I say "becasue it needs to be done"
-"What for?"
"Because its high up on my long list of little things to do"
- "Well I saw a youtube video and you are doing it wrong. You should be doing.... xyz"
Thats cool... this is how I do it. Maybe you can watch a you tube video on how to cook me some food"
- "I dont need to do that... I know how to cook food..."
"Do you though?"

This is where im at.

haha. I hope you have a comfortable couch

 

[Cackalacky2.0]

haha. I hope you have a comfortable couch

If she told me to sleep on the couch Id doubt Id have heard her becasue who listens at that point. lmao.

 

[NDBoiler]

So check this out...

We have a little bit of a family tradition of watching Jeopardy after dinner during the week. My 16 year old son, my wife, and I are sitting on the couch in the living room. A question comes up something to the affect of “it is an under sea creature with a name similar to a mammal and is called a bearded...”. My wife, being totally serious, blurts out “bearded clam?”. My jaw hit the floor. My son snickered and tried to stifle a laugh. Clearly she had no clue what she just said. I had to leave the room so she couldn’t see my face.

 

[Whiskeyjack]

So check this out...

We have a little bit of a family tradition of watching Jeopardy after dinner during the week. My 16 year old son, my wife, and I are sitting on the couch in the living room. A question comes up something to the affect of “it is an under sea creature with a name similar to a mammal and is called a bearded...”. My wife, being totally serious, blurts out “bearded clam?”. My jaw hit the floor. My son snickered and tried to stifle a laugh. Clearly she had no clue what she just said. I had to leave the room so she couldn’t see my face.

If she associates that creature with moist environs, then take a bow, Boiler!