Wives and the Stupid **** They Say/Do

[Bogtrotter07]

Ninety percent of Americans cannot identify Ireland, England, Afghanistan, and Iraq on a map.

And what percent of Americans can identify all fifty states? (On a map?)

Some ten years ago, a geography professor did just that for some 1500 college graduates, and the average score was something like 23%. Most Americans can identify Florida, Texas, and maybe their home state, but after that ...

About the best p*u*s*s*y being attached to the 'craziest' chicks, that is an illusion created by the author's experience. As a young man I had a similar outlook. It is just that I didn't see much of a good example of marital love, or deep love and affection for that matter. So I began to believe sex, and its attraction was what love was all about. To that standard, I can see how anyone would think that. Any time it becomes about sex, that is all there is. But thankfully I learned that was not true.

Now Benjamin Franklin said all women were about the same if you put a bushel basket over their head. I think that is sentiment a little too far the other direction.

But if you can observe a few simple rules :

• With your head down there, if you shout, you don't hear an echo.
  
• Upon inspection, there is no need to schedule an appointment with a dentist.
  
• There really isn't an overpowering smell of fish, or anything else for that matter.
  
• There is no confusion over what set of reproductive organs are dominant.

Then you are okay.

Because 90% of the pleasure of the act is what goes on in the heads and hearts of the couple involved.

 

[IrishLion]

There's something about women and geography. It's like they never took it in grade school or middle school.

It's not necessarily geography, but I live in the Greater Cincinnati area, and so I'm just minutes from 7 or 8 major highways. They are all pretty straight-forward, and yet my wife can't name a single highway when we are on it, and she makes no effort to understand how they connect to each other. It drives me insane haha.

Rather than telling her that she needs to get on 275 and take the exit for 471, I have to tell her that she needs to take "the highway that gets us to the movie theater, and then take the exit for the highway with the arched bridge."

It's like "Highways for Dummies" when I have to give her directions. It's entertaining, at least.

 

[woolybug25]

So this is probably the dumbest possible way to let my brothers on IE know that my wife and I are expecting, but this interaction was too good not to tell. It also only makes sense coming from a pregnant women...

This morning, my wife is leaving for work and runs through the back room and kitchen, leaving a trail of mud in her wake. She immediately starts yelling at me to get the vacuum and clean it up. I slowly realize that she's yelling at me about the mud. So I calmly remind her that I didn't track the mud through the house. This enrages her and she informs me that it is clearly my fault because... and I quote, "she thought I moved her keys". There was never a conversation about moving her keys, I didn't move her keys, it still wouldn't merit running through the house with muddy boots and finally... The keys were in the key bowl where she puts them every single day.

I gave her a kiss and cleaned up the mud. You don't win any argument, no matter what, with a pregnant women...

 

[ulukinatme]

So this is probably the dumbest possible way to let my brothers on IE know that my wife and I are expecting, but this interaction was too good not to tell. It also only makes sense coming from a pregnant women...

This morning, my wife is leaving for work and runs through the back room and kitchen, leaving a trail of mud in her wake. She immediately starts yelling at me to get the vacuum and clean it up. I slowly realize that she's yelling at me about the mud. So I calmly remind her that I didn't track the mud through the house. This enrages her and she informs me that it is clearly my fault because... and I quote, "she thought I moved her keys". There was never a conversation about moving her keys, I didn't move her keys, it still wouldn't merit running through the house with muddy boots and finally... The keys were in the key bowl where she puts them every single day.

I gave her a kiss and cleaned up the mud. You don't win any argument, no matter what, with a pregnant women...

It's fortunate that you've learned this now, because there will certainly be more mud-like incidents in the future. There were a number of times my wife let me have it while she was pregnant, for issues I had no knowledge of or participated in. Usually she was good enough to come back after hormones died down and admit she didn't know what came over her.

Congrats to you two!

 

[IrishLion]

So this is probably the dumbest possible way to let my brothers on IE know that my wife and I are expecting, but this interaction was too good not to tell. It also only makes sense coming from a pregnant women...

This morning, my wife is leaving for work and runs through the back room and kitchen, leaving a trail of mud in her wake. She immediately starts yelling at me to get the vacuum and clean it up. I slowly realize that she's yelling at me about the mud. So I calmly remind her that I didn't track the mud through the house. This enrages her and she informs me that it is clearly my fault because... and I quote, "she thought I moved her keys". There was never a conversation about moving her keys, I didn't move her keys, it still wouldn't merit running through the house with muddy boots and finally... The keys were in the key bowl where she puts them every single day.

I gave her a kiss and cleaned up the mud. You don't win any argument, no matter what, with a pregnant women...

Congrats brother!

My wife and I are expecting as well. I have not had one of these moments yet, but every night as I lay in bed trying to sleep, I run myself through mental simulations of how to handle it when it finally happens haha.

And of course part of that simulation involves how I'd deliver it to the "wives" thread without her finding it an murdering me.

 

[mango4]

My wife didn't know Ireland was an island...


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[EddytoNow]

So this is probably the dumbest possible way to let my brothers on IE know that my wife and I are expecting, but this interaction was too good not to tell. It also only makes sense coming from a pregnant women...

This morning, my wife is leaving for work and runs through the back room and kitchen, leaving a trail of mud in her wake. She immediately starts yelling at me to get the vacuum and clean it up. I slowly realize that she's yelling at me about the mud. So I calmly remind her that I didn't track the mud through the house. This enrages her and she informs me that it is clearly my fault because... and I quote, "she thought I moved her keys". There was never a conversation about moving her keys, I didn't move her keys, it still wouldn't merit running through the house with muddy boots and finally... The keys were in the key bowl where she puts them every single day.

I gave her a kiss and cleaned up the mud. You don't win any argument, no matter what, with a pregnant women...

You will be blamed for many things in the future, most of which you will have no clue as to what the h**l you did to warrant the wife's reaction. Our biggest fault (as males) is not being able to read minds.

Just face it. You cannot live up to the romanticized male your wife has been reading about in books and magazines. And she will not stop trying to change you into the male of her fantasies. If she concludes that you cannot be molded into what she desires, she will move on to the next boyfriend/husband. By that time, you aren't getting any anyhow.

 

[ulukinatme]

Forgot to add this one, this happened a month ago:

So, I was in meetings most of the morning. I check my phone to see four missed calls and two texts from the wife. Apparently some guy claiming to be homeless came to the door and offered the mow the lawn, using his own mower mind you. He offered to do it for $10, and she agreed. Well, his mower "broke down" apparently as he was mowing and he asked to use ours, which at this point she started trying to call me. She couldn't reach me, so she decides to let him use ours anyway. I get the information and decide to come home for lunch to see what's going on.

See, we live in a fairly nice, newer neighborhood (Houses are 10 years old), but there are adjacent neighborhoods not terribly far away with poors, and there are heroin problems there. I start talking to this guy, and he's definitely sketchy. We get people like this from time to time. He tells me about his lawn mower breaking while he was mowing our lawn, says he sold it to one of my neighbors for just $10, and he asks me if he can borrow my mower to do some dude's lawn around the corner. Fuck that, my wife was about to let him too if I hadn't gotten home. I tell him to keep the money she already gave him up front (She gave him $20) and I'll finish the lawn. If I didn't come home I'm guessing he would have taken our mower and sold it to someone else for $10. Now I'm wondering who he stole the 1st mower from.

 

[Irish#1]

Forgot to add this one, this happened a month ago:

So, I was in meetings most of the morning. I check my phone to see four missed calls and two texts from the wife. Apparently some guy claiming to be homeless came to the door and offered the mow the lawn, using his own mower mind you. He offered to do it for $10, and she agreed. Well, his mower "broke down" apparently as he was mowing and he asked to use ours, which at this point she started trying to call me. She couldn't reach me, so she decides to let him use ours anyway. I get the information and decide to come home for lunch to see what's going on.

See, we live in a fairly nice, newer neighborhood (Houses are 10 years old), but there are adjacent neighborhoods not terribly far away with poors, and there are heroin problems there. I start talking to this guy, and he's definitely sketchy. We get people like this from time to time. He tells me about his lawn mower breaking while he was mowing our lawn, says he sold it to one of my neighbors for just $10, and he asks me if he can borrow my mower to do some dude's lawn around the corner. Fuck that, my wife was about to let him too if I hadn't gotten home. I tell him to keep the money she already gave him up front (She gave him $20) and I'll finish the lawn. If I didn't come home I'm guessing he would have taken our mower and sold it to someone else for $10. Now I'm wondering who he stole the 1st mower from.

Reminds me of an episode from "The Andy Griffith" Show. Buddy Ebson (Jed Clampett) was the guest on the show. He was a vagrant who talked a good story, was willing to work for money, but couldn't finish any job given to him. Always found an excuse as to why he couldn't finish.

BTW.........should have not come home. Would have given you a good reason to get one of these:

 

[Irish#1]

My wife is getting a little paranoid about security recently. She wants to install a video security system, so she buys one off of Amazon without discussing with me. I tell her, I'm not even going to try and install it since we have a two story house. Fishing cable is damn near impossible. I tell her I can install them on the attached garage because access is much easier and I can still set the cameras where it will catch everything. I ask her where she wants the cameras placed and she tells me. I ask again, because I know how she can be. I start installing the first camera. She comes out a little later, looks at the camera and says, "That's not where I told you to install the camera!"

And she accuses me of being forgetful! lol

 

[BGIF]

My wife is getting a little paranoid about security recently. She wants to install a video security system, so she buys one off of Amazon without discussing with me. I tell her, I'm not even going to try and install it since we have a two story house. Fishing cable is damn near impossible. I tell her I can install them on the attached garage because access is much easier and I can still set the cameras where it will catch everything. I ask her where she wants the cameras placed and she tells me. I ask again, because I know how she can be. I start installing the first camera. She comes out a little later, looks at the camera and says, "That's not where I told you to install the camera!"

And she accuses me of being forgetful! lol

You cell phone has a record function, use it.

Been there.

 

[wizards8507]

My wife is getting a little paranoid about security recently. She wants to install a video security system, so she buys one off of Amazon without discussing with me. I tell her, I'm not even going to try and install it since we have a two story house. Fishing cable is damn near impossible. I tell her I can install them on the attached garage because access is much easier and I can still set the cameras where it will catch everything. I ask her where she wants the cameras placed and she tells me. I ask again, because I know how she can be. I start installing the first camera. She comes out a little later, looks at the camera and says, "That's not where I told you to install the camera!"

And she accuses me of being forgetful! lol

Sounds like you need to do some shopping of your own.

Wife: I don't feel secure.
You:

This dude is cutting his grass WAY too short. It's gonna have weak-ass roots and be dead in a week.

 

[Irish#1]

You cell phone has a record function, use it.

Been there.

I'd probably end up dead if I did that! lol

Sounds like you need to do some shopping of your own.

Wife: I don't feel secure.
You:

See above why there is no gun in my house. lol

 

[ulukinatme]

See above why there is no gun in my house. lol

Yeah, if you have a gun in your house, make sure it's locked up and you have access to the only key...for your own protection

Reps for story.

 

[Irish#1]

A little over a year ago, my wife buys a security camera system. It isn't wireless, so running cables through walls and studs is going to be a major project with us owning a two story home. I keep putting it off for one reason or another.

She finally decides she's going to install it because the instructions say it's easy and everything she's read on the web tells her it's easy. Yes dear hooking it up and configuring it isn't too difficult. It's getting the cable run that is a major pain. Well after about 30 minutes she decides this isn't the piece of cake everyone on Pinterest claims it to be. Fast forward to a little over a year later. She's complaining because the system hasn't been installed. I finally convince her that if she would let me install the cameras on the outside of the garage I can do this in about an hour. Once she realizes she can get the same views with the cameras on the garage I start, only to find she lost the instructions. She doesn't remember who she bought it from on e-Bay and e-Bay couldn't find the purchase record.

The system is as generic as can be. No manufacturer name, model #, etc. Only "H.264" system. A brief search shows there isn't a lot of info available.

I install the cameras, run the cables, add a HD to the DVR, program the DVR. Everything fires up and I have a "Video lost" message for every camera. After a couple of days researching, I post on a forum hoping for some help. A guy sees the pic of the cable and the connections and right away tells me my cameras don't have any power. I've installed a couple of these systems before, but the cameras were POE and never needed an individual power source. It then dawns on me why the system had two power supplies, but I still have no way of powering up the cameras. There's no cable to plug the cameras into the power supply. I get home Friday night, my wife is holding a cable with four leads on it and asks, "Do you need this or can I give this to Goodwill?, Oh by the way, I found the instructions for the security system." Yep, she was holding the cable that the cameras plug into for power. I go to the garage plug in the cable and in two minutes they are working.

This entire time I knew there had to be some missing pieces, but she had assured me she had put everything back in the box.

 

[ACamp1900]

 

[ulukinatme]

Ha, good story, Irish#1!

Reminds me of a thread on the Shag. Some dude bought a security camera for his door from Ring.com. The images would get uploaded and you could view the feed from your phone. One dude asked his wife to test it out for him, so she flashed her tits at the door...which he proceeded to post. Great thread

And yet we no longer have a Gentlemen's Club.

 

[Whiskeyjack]

Ha, good story, Irish#1!

Reminds me of a thread on the Shag. Some dude bought a security camera for his door from Ring.com. The images would get uploaded and you could view the feed from your phone. One dude asked his wife to test it out for him, so she flashed her tits at the door...which he proceeded to post. Great thread

And yet we no longer have a Gentlemen's Club.

So you think IE would be improved if we regularly shared nude photos of our wives with each other?

 

[GowerND11]

So you think IE would be improved if we regularly shared nude photos of our wives with each other?

It certainly wouldn't be worse off...

 

[woolybug25]

So you think IE would be improved if we regularly shared nude photos of our wives with each other?

If everyone else shared pics of their wives, then yes.



I do not want to share pics of mine though....

 

[Whiskeyjack]

It certainly wouldn't be worse off...

Things can always get worse.

If everyone else shared pics of their wives, then yes.

I do not want to share pics of mine though....

The duality of man. That second impulse is virtuous; let's go with that one.

 

[Rack Em]

If everyone else shared pics of their wives, then yes.



I do not want to share pics of mine though....

To be fair, we don't want to see them anyway

 

[ACamp1900]

I don't want to see any of your wife's tits... seriously.

 

[ulukinatme]

So you think IE would be improved if we regularly shared nude photos of our wives with each other?

I'm with wooly, everyone else's wife, but not mine. Nobody wants to see that anyway.

As far as improving IE, maybe not, but it could be good for the economy.

In the past when threads have gone up on the Shag involving different products, those products start selling like hotcakes. Once that Ring.com doorbell thread went up, there was a shortage and they were showing temporarily unavailable on their website. The same thing happened on another site when they created a Tomahawk thread...and a Bidet thread...etc. If we can't improve IE, we could at least help keep the US economy afloat

 

[Irish#1]

That's funny, but I usually take care of her wishes pretty fast. If she would have asked before buying, I would have had her buy a wireless system. Plug in an IP, plug in the camera and you're off and running in 10 minutes.

Another fun one...........Saturday we're at our sons house helping them get it ready so they can list it. My wife it doing some landscape, adding flowers, mulch, etc. I'm powering washing a bench that goes in this little are she is working on. There's some stepping stones she wants me to spray. I'm spraying them and of course the residual spray is blowing some of the mulch. Of course she can do it without messing up her mulch and asks me to hand her the gun. Less than 30 seconds she's blown mulch all over the place without hitting the stones. She hands it back and tells me to finish. lol

 

[ulukinatme]

That's funny, but I usually take care of her wishes pretty fast. If she would have asked before buying, I would have had her buy a wireless system. Plug in an IP, plug in the camera and you're off and running in 10 minutes.

Another fun one...........Saturday we're at our sons house helping them get it ready so they can list it. My wife it doing some landscape, adding flowers, mulch, etc. I'm powering washing a bench that goes in this little are she is working on. There's some stepping stones she wants me to spray. I'm spraying them and of course the residual spray is blowing some of the mulch. Of course she can do it without messing up her mulch and asks me to hand her the gun. Less than 30 seconds she's blown mulch all over the place without hitting the stones. She hands it back and tells me to finish. lol

Lothar: "It is written by the ancients, and yet it is still truth...women, you cannot live with them, and yet you cannot club them."

 

[ulukinatme]

So... the wife and I have a trip to Chicago at the end of this month. She calls me up and asks me if Chicago is close to New York City. I say no it's actually not that close. She informed me that when she checked out Chicago on the computer that it was actually in Illinois. I was like yeah I know. She responded by saying that she never knew that.

Thanks to some of the local Chicago residents out here for your suggestions on what to do, where to eat, etc.

Read this one again, and it reminded me of these:

I work with a girl who thought that Hawaii and Alaska were somehow close to each other due to how they are often displayed on maps. Somehow the question came up about shipping something by boat from one to the other and she wondered how come it took so long when they look so close on a map.

While driving home one day, a truck and trailer was parked in front of a house in our neighborhood. The enclosed trailer had "Alaska to Austin" written on the side.

Me: Man, that's a helluva drive.
Wife: Yeah. I guess they took a ferry or something.
Me: Ferry?
Wife: Well, Alaska being an island an all, I figured they must have taken a ferry or boat to get their truck and trailer here.
Me: Alaska? Alaska has islands, but the state itself isn't an island. Are you thinking of Hawaii?
Wife: No, no, no. Alaska is an island. Everytime I see it on a map it's off to the bottom left of us in the ocean. It's an island.
Me: (crickets)

 

[ACamp1900]

And some of you think we should test people before allowing them to vote......

 

[koonja]

Friend hooked up with a girl in Nashville who though Minnesota was a city in Wisconsin.

 

[ulukinatme]

Friend hooked up with a girl in Nashville who though Minnesota was a city in Wisconsin.

Pics of said girl, cause she better be smokin'.