Toledoan Attempts Suicide by Jumping from Basement Window
Associated Press
By SKINNY J SLIPSHITZINSKI
23 minutes ago
TOLEDO, OH (AP) — A crazed old Irishman Bog Trotter, complete with ND ball cap and Evertt Golson, #5 jersey, attempted to jump out of his basement window and actually fell back in. Rescue workers found him on the concrete floor whispering something about "IE users " and "killing me, Smalls!" He also repeatedly muttered something about how many times he needed to say something.
The man obviously smelled of elderberry's, something animal like, either hampsters or guinea pigs, and Irish Whisky. His injuries were compounded by the deer slugs and empty bottles in his pockets. Three emergency workers were treated for injuries, mostly due to inhalation of harmful vapors.
Fellow IE posters interviewed stated unanimously that he took recruiting and himself too seriously. IE mental health experts kuehnja and JohnnyCando both claimed that their were signs, at that they repeatedly warned him about taking things to far. In shaking his head Cando said, "Dude was the most random poster I ever met, next to me!" Another poster, and self described grammar expert, dshans shook his head slowly and said, "If he only proof read his posts more thouroughly." Noted poster ACamp just added, "Guy was a real asshole, never understood a word he said, but I helped him drink his wine. We had such great times sitting on the ice floes, singing Kumbaya, and clubbing baby seals! " Finally, IE legendary poster and sage, Old Man Mike could not be found for comment.
IE moderators such as Ironman8, WhiskeyJack, and BeauBenken all breathed a sigh of relief. Rumor has it that they were all just picturing how much easier their jobs had become. IE posters KBolt and Buster Bluth said in syncopated distain, "What would you expect from a Johnnie!" There was a delay in getting to the injury victim, as the first responders had to wait for IE poster beryirish to show up to lead them through the home security system of claymore mines Mr. Trotter set up. It is suspected that beryirish's knowledge came from a series of nearly famous pictures taken of Trotter while cutting his lawn, (Mr. beryirish was looking for his stolen lawnmower at the time.)
In other news unsubstantiated rumors about aliens landing have been quashed.
