Your post is a joke.
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dshans
They call me The Dribbler
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Metamorphosis can be a bitch sometimes.
Just when you spread your wings to fly, this kinda shit can happen.
Black Irish
Wise Guy
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What do you call nuts on your wall?
Walnuts
What do you call nuts on your chest?
Chestnuts.
What do you call nuts on your chin?
A cock in your mouth!
Walnuts
What do you call nuts on your chest?
Chestnuts.
What do you call nuts on your chin?
A cock in your mouth!
Monk
Active member
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SIPA, but with the "Hey fat @ss!!" thread bumped I thought this was funny.
Yoga mat for sale. Used once at lunch hour class in May 2016. Usage timeline as follows:
11:45a
Register for hot yoga class. Infinite wisdom tells me to commit to 5 class package and purchase a yoga mat. I pay $89.74. Money well spent, I smugly confirm to myself.
11:55a
Open door to yoga room. A gush of hot dry air rushes through and past me. It smells of breath, sweat and hot. Take spot on floor in back of room next to cute blonde. We will date.
11:57a
I feel the need to be as near to naked as possible. This is a problem because of the hot blonde to my left and our pending courtship. She will not be pleased to learn that I need to lose 30 pounds before I propose to her.
11:58a
The shirt and sweats have to come off. I throw caution to the wind and decide to rely on my wit and conditioning to overcome any weight issues my fiancée may take issue with. This will take a lot of wit and conditioning.
11:59a
Begin small talk with my bride to be. She pretends to ignore me but I know how she can be. I allow her to concentrate and stare straight ahead and continue to pretend that I don't exist. As we finish sharing our special moment, I am suddenly aware of a sweat moustache that has formed below my nose. This must be from the all the whispering between us.
12:00p
Instructor enters the room and ascends her special podium at the front of the room. She is a slight, agitated Chinese woman. She introduces me to the class and everyone turns around to greet me just as I decide to aggressively adjust my penis and testes packed in my Under Armor. My bride is notably unfazed.
12:02p
Since I do have experience with Hot Yoga (4 sessions just 5 short years ago) I fully consider that I may be so outstanding and skilled that my instructor may call me out and ask me to guide the class. My wife will look on with a sparkle in her eye. We will make love after class.
12:10p
It is now up to 95 degrees in the room. We have been practicing deep breathing exercises for the last 8 minutes. This would not be a problem if we were all breathing actual, you know, oxygen. Instead, we are breathing each other's body odor, expelled carbon dioxide and other unmentionables. (Don't worry, I'll mention them later.)
12:26p
It is now 100 degrees and I take notice of the humidity, which is hovering at about 90%. I feel the familiar adorning stare of my bride and decide to look back at her. She appears to be nauseated. I then realize that I forgot to brush my teeth prior to attending this class. We bond.
12:33p
It is now 110 degrees and 95% humidity. I am now balancing on one leg with the other leg crossed over the other. My arms are intertwined and I am squatting. The last time I was in this position was 44 years ago in the womb, but I'm in this for the long haul. My wife looks slightly weathered dripping sweat and her eyeliner is streaming down her face. Well, "for better or worse" is what we committed to so we press on.
12:40p
The overweight Hispanic man two spots over has sweat running down his legs. At least I think its sweat. He is holding every position and has not had a sip of water since we walked in. He is making me look bad and I hate him.
12:44p
I consider that if anyone in this room farted that we would all certainly perish.
12:52p
It is now 140 degrees and 100% humidity. I am covered from head to toe in sweat. There is not a square millimeter on my body that is not slippery and sweaty. I am so slimy that I feel like a sea lion or a maybe sea eel. Not even a bear trap could hold me. The sweat is stinging my eyeballs and I can no longer see.
12:55p
This room stinks of asparagus, cloves, tuna and tacos. There is no food in the room. I realize that this is an amalgamation of the body odors of 30 people in a 140 degree room for the last 55 minutes. Seriously, enough with the asparagus, ok?
1:01p
140 degrees and 130% humidity. Look lady, I need my space here so don't get all pissy with me if I accidentally sprayed you with sweat as I flipped over. Seriously, is that where this relationship is going? Get over yourself. We need counseling and she needs to be medicated. Stat!
1:09p
150 degrees and cloudy. And hot. I can no longer move my limbs on my own. I have given up on attempting any of the commands this Chinese chick is yelling out at us. I will lay sedentary until the aid unit arrives. I will buy this building and then have it destroyed.
I lose consciousness.
1:15p
I have a headache and my wife is being a selfish jerk. I can't really breathe. All I can think about is holding a cup worth of hot sand in my mouth. I cannot remember what an ice cube is and cannot remember what snow looks like. I consider that my only escape might be a crab walk across 15 bodies and then out of the room. I am paralyzed, and may never walk again so the whole crab walk thing is pretty much out.
1:17p
I cannot move at all and cannot reach my water. Is breathing voluntary or involuntary? If it's voluntary, I am screwed. I stopped participating in the class 20 minutes ago. Hey, lady! I paid for this frickin class, ok?! You work for me! Stop yelling at everyone and just tell us a story or something. It's like juice and cracker time, ok?
1:20p
It is now 165 degrees and moisture is dripping from the ceiling. The towel that I am laying on is no longer providing any wicking or drying properties. It is actually placing additional sweat on me as I touch it. My towel reeks. I cannot identify the smell but no way can it be from me. Did someone spray some stank on my towel or something?
1:30p
Torture session is over. I wish hateful things upon the instructor. She graciously allows us to stay and 'cool down' in the room. It is 175 degrees. Who cools down in 175 degrees? A Komodo Dragon? My wife has left the room. Probably to throw up.
1:34p
My opportunity to escape has arrived. I roll over to my stomach and press up to my knees. It is warmer as I rise up from ground level - probably by 15 degrees. So let's conservatively say it's 190. I muster my final energy and slowly rise. One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other. Towards the door. Towards the door.
1:37p
The temperature in the lobby is 72 degrees. Both nipples stiffen to diamond strength and my penis begins to retract into my abdomen from the 100 degree temp swing. I can once again breathe though so I am pleased. I spot my future ex wife in the lobby. We had such a good thing going but I know that no measure of counseling will be able to unravel the day's turmoil and mental scaring.
1:47p
Arrive at Emerald City Smoothie and proceed to order a 32 oz beverage. 402 calories, 0 fat and 14 grams of protein -- effectively negating any caloric burn or benefit from the last 90 minutes. I finish it in 3 minutes and spend the next 2 hours writing this memoir.
3:47p
Create Craigslist ad while burning final 2 grams of protein from Smoothie and before the "shakes" consume my body.
4:29p
Note to self - check car for missing wet yoga towel in am.
Yoga mat for sale. Used once at lunch hour class in May 2016. Usage timeline as follows:
11:45a
Register for hot yoga class. Infinite wisdom tells me to commit to 5 class package and purchase a yoga mat. I pay $89.74. Money well spent, I smugly confirm to myself.
11:55a
Open door to yoga room. A gush of hot dry air rushes through and past me. It smells of breath, sweat and hot. Take spot on floor in back of room next to cute blonde. We will date.
11:57a
I feel the need to be as near to naked as possible. This is a problem because of the hot blonde to my left and our pending courtship. She will not be pleased to learn that I need to lose 30 pounds before I propose to her.
11:58a
The shirt and sweats have to come off. I throw caution to the wind and decide to rely on my wit and conditioning to overcome any weight issues my fiancée may take issue with. This will take a lot of wit and conditioning.
11:59a
Begin small talk with my bride to be. She pretends to ignore me but I know how she can be. I allow her to concentrate and stare straight ahead and continue to pretend that I don't exist. As we finish sharing our special moment, I am suddenly aware of a sweat moustache that has formed below my nose. This must be from the all the whispering between us.
12:00p
Instructor enters the room and ascends her special podium at the front of the room. She is a slight, agitated Chinese woman. She introduces me to the class and everyone turns around to greet me just as I decide to aggressively adjust my penis and testes packed in my Under Armor. My bride is notably unfazed.
12:02p
Since I do have experience with Hot Yoga (4 sessions just 5 short years ago) I fully consider that I may be so outstanding and skilled that my instructor may call me out and ask me to guide the class. My wife will look on with a sparkle in her eye. We will make love after class.
12:10p
It is now up to 95 degrees in the room. We have been practicing deep breathing exercises for the last 8 minutes. This would not be a problem if we were all breathing actual, you know, oxygen. Instead, we are breathing each other's body odor, expelled carbon dioxide and other unmentionables. (Don't worry, I'll mention them later.)
12:26p
It is now 100 degrees and I take notice of the humidity, which is hovering at about 90%. I feel the familiar adorning stare of my bride and decide to look back at her. She appears to be nauseated. I then realize that I forgot to brush my teeth prior to attending this class. We bond.
12:33p
It is now 110 degrees and 95% humidity. I am now balancing on one leg with the other leg crossed over the other. My arms are intertwined and I am squatting. The last time I was in this position was 44 years ago in the womb, but I'm in this for the long haul. My wife looks slightly weathered dripping sweat and her eyeliner is streaming down her face. Well, "for better or worse" is what we committed to so we press on.
12:40p
The overweight Hispanic man two spots over has sweat running down his legs. At least I think its sweat. He is holding every position and has not had a sip of water since we walked in. He is making me look bad and I hate him.
12:44p
I consider that if anyone in this room farted that we would all certainly perish.
12:52p
It is now 140 degrees and 100% humidity. I am covered from head to toe in sweat. There is not a square millimeter on my body that is not slippery and sweaty. I am so slimy that I feel like a sea lion or a maybe sea eel. Not even a bear trap could hold me. The sweat is stinging my eyeballs and I can no longer see.
12:55p
This room stinks of asparagus, cloves, tuna and tacos. There is no food in the room. I realize that this is an amalgamation of the body odors of 30 people in a 140 degree room for the last 55 minutes. Seriously, enough with the asparagus, ok?
1:01p
140 degrees and 130% humidity. Look lady, I need my space here so don't get all pissy with me if I accidentally sprayed you with sweat as I flipped over. Seriously, is that where this relationship is going? Get over yourself. We need counseling and she needs to be medicated. Stat!
1:09p
150 degrees and cloudy. And hot. I can no longer move my limbs on my own. I have given up on attempting any of the commands this Chinese chick is yelling out at us. I will lay sedentary until the aid unit arrives. I will buy this building and then have it destroyed.
I lose consciousness.
1:15p
I have a headache and my wife is being a selfish jerk. I can't really breathe. All I can think about is holding a cup worth of hot sand in my mouth. I cannot remember what an ice cube is and cannot remember what snow looks like. I consider that my only escape might be a crab walk across 15 bodies and then out of the room. I am paralyzed, and may never walk again so the whole crab walk thing is pretty much out.
1:17p
I cannot move at all and cannot reach my water. Is breathing voluntary or involuntary? If it's voluntary, I am screwed. I stopped participating in the class 20 minutes ago. Hey, lady! I paid for this frickin class, ok?! You work for me! Stop yelling at everyone and just tell us a story or something. It's like juice and cracker time, ok?
1:20p
It is now 165 degrees and moisture is dripping from the ceiling. The towel that I am laying on is no longer providing any wicking or drying properties. It is actually placing additional sweat on me as I touch it. My towel reeks. I cannot identify the smell but no way can it be from me. Did someone spray some stank on my towel or something?
1:30p
Torture session is over. I wish hateful things upon the instructor. She graciously allows us to stay and 'cool down' in the room. It is 175 degrees. Who cools down in 175 degrees? A Komodo Dragon? My wife has left the room. Probably to throw up.
1:34p
My opportunity to escape has arrived. I roll over to my stomach and press up to my knees. It is warmer as I rise up from ground level - probably by 15 degrees. So let's conservatively say it's 190. I muster my final energy and slowly rise. One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other. Towards the door. Towards the door.
1:37p
The temperature in the lobby is 72 degrees. Both nipples stiffen to diamond strength and my penis begins to retract into my abdomen from the 100 degree temp swing. I can once again breathe though so I am pleased. I spot my future ex wife in the lobby. We had such a good thing going but I know that no measure of counseling will be able to unravel the day's turmoil and mental scaring.
1:47p
Arrive at Emerald City Smoothie and proceed to order a 32 oz beverage. 402 calories, 0 fat and 14 grams of protein -- effectively negating any caloric burn or benefit from the last 90 minutes. I finish it in 3 minutes and spend the next 2 hours writing this memoir.
3:47p
Create Craigslist ad while burning final 2 grams of protein from Smoothie and before the "shakes" consume my body.
4:29p
Note to self - check car for missing wet yoga towel in am.
wizards8507
Well-known member
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I made it to 12:55 before I was crying.
K
koonja
Guest
Just signed up out minneapolis men's city hoops team. Our name is 'off constantly'.
Reps to anyone who can figure out why.
Reps to anyone who can figure out why.
GrangerIrish24
I bring nothing to the table
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the other team says "we are going to beat Off Constantly"
K
koonja
Guest
That works, but I was going for 'because nobody beats off constantly!'.
GrangerIrish24
I bring nothing to the table
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We would use that for church league basketball. Took a while for people to get it.
B
Bogtrotter07
Guest
Reminds me of the old ball team, The NADS! And our favorite cheer.
dshans
They call me The Dribbler
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I once was a member of a recreational league volleyball team. Many were doctors or nurses. We came up with the name "Tenesmus."
Look it up.
We played in a bar with an attached indoor court.
Not a bad idea. Attract a lot of people, have them play a little v-ball and then have them drink beer and play Pac Man between sets. [This will give you a sense of the time frame.]
I designed and had printed t-shirts with a rip-off of a Wheaties box logo with Breakfast of Champions on the front and a rip-off of Kurt Vonnegut's rendition of an asshole in the preface of his book Breakfast of Champions.
One team member was interviewed for a Saint Paul Pioneer Press story about the new "rage" of bars building courts. He'd arrived early and had a few when approached by the reporter to explain the name.
Sadly he told the truth. As a result the team name (and thus the inside jokes) were not printed in the article.
"One team consisting of some doctors, some nurses, a lawyer and others play but we can't print the name of their team in the paper.
Sometimes transparency can be no fun at all.
Look it up.
We played in a bar with an attached indoor court.
Not a bad idea. Attract a lot of people, have them play a little v-ball and then have them drink beer and play Pac Man between sets. [This will give you a sense of the time frame.]
I designed and had printed t-shirts with a rip-off of a Wheaties box logo with Breakfast of Champions on the front and a rip-off of Kurt Vonnegut's rendition of an asshole in the preface of his book Breakfast of Champions.
One team member was interviewed for a Saint Paul Pioneer Press story about the new "rage" of bars building courts. He'd arrived early and had a few when approached by the reporter to explain the name.
Sadly he told the truth. As a result the team name (and thus the inside jokes) were not printed in the article.
"One team consisting of some doctors, some nurses, a lawyer and others play but we can't print the name of their team in the paper.
Sometimes transparency can be no fun at all.
Last edited:
B
Bogtrotter07
Guest
Proof that every great poster either played with himself, had a team with a clever name for testies, or a puckered asshole.
connor_in
Oh Yeeaah!!!
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BOOZE ON AN AIRPLANE
BOOZE ON AN AIRPLANE
A Muslim was seated next to an Irishman on a Flight from London.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The Flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
I love the Irish.
BOOZE ON AN AIRPLANE
A Muslim was seated next to an Irishman on a Flight from London.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The Flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
I love the Irish.
ulukinatme
Carr for QB 2025!
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BVG
Bishop2b5
SEC Exchange Student
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Wife: "If I died, would you remarry?"
Husband: "Well, I'm still in my 40's and don't want to spend the rest of my life alone, so yeah, probably."
Wife: "Would you let her live in our house?"
Husband: "Mmm, it's paid for and my home, so yeah."
Wife: "Would you let her drive my car?"
Husband: "It's a nice car and no need to sell it, so sure."
Wife: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
Husband: "Of course not. She's left-handed."
Husband: "Well, I'm still in my 40's and don't want to spend the rest of my life alone, so yeah, probably."
Wife: "Would you let her live in our house?"
Husband: "Mmm, it's paid for and my home, so yeah."
Wife: "Would you let her drive my car?"
Husband: "It's a nice car and no need to sell it, so sure."
Wife: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
Husband: "Of course not. She's left-handed."
Bishop2b5
SEC Exchange Student
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An old hillbilly is in his back yard when his wife steps out on the back porch and calls to him, "Pa, they's something wrong with the outhouse. Go look at it."
Pa says, "They ain't nuthin' wrong with the outhouse Ma."
"Yeah there is, now you go look at it."
He goes over to the outhouse and looks all around, but doesn't see anything wrong so he yells back across the yard to her, "They ain't nuthin' wrong with it" to which she replies, "Well look inside!"
He looks inside, but still sees nothing wrong. He yells back to her, "Ma, they ain't nuthin wrong with this here outhouse" and she replies, "Yeah there is. Look down in the hole."
He looks down in the hole, but still sees nothing wrong. "Ma, I'm tellin' you they ain't nuthin' wrong with this outhouse."
She tells him, "Well stick yer head down in the hole and look around."
"I ain't a-stickin' my head down in that stinky hole!"
"You jes put yer head down in that hole and you'll see what's wrong, Pa!"
He does, but still doesn't see anything wrong and tells her so. She tells him to pull his head out then, but when he does he catches his beard in a crack in the seat and yells, "OWWWWW!"
"Hurts, don't it?" Ma says.
Pa says, "They ain't nuthin' wrong with the outhouse Ma."
"Yeah there is, now you go look at it."
He goes over to the outhouse and looks all around, but doesn't see anything wrong so he yells back across the yard to her, "They ain't nuthin' wrong with it" to which she replies, "Well look inside!"
He looks inside, but still sees nothing wrong. He yells back to her, "Ma, they ain't nuthin wrong with this here outhouse" and she replies, "Yeah there is. Look down in the hole."
He looks down in the hole, but still sees nothing wrong. "Ma, I'm tellin' you they ain't nuthin' wrong with this outhouse."
She tells him, "Well stick yer head down in the hole and look around."
"I ain't a-stickin' my head down in that stinky hole!"
"You jes put yer head down in that hole and you'll see what's wrong, Pa!"
He does, but still doesn't see anything wrong and tells her so. She tells him to pull his head out then, but when he does he catches his beard in a crack in the seat and yells, "OWWWWW!"
"Hurts, don't it?" Ma says.
Bishop2b5
SEC Exchange Student
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Back in my younger days, I was at my girlfriend's house while her parents were away at work. We were in the kitchen and she was bent over the kitchen table with her underwear down around her ankles while I was going at it from behind. About that time we heard the front door open and a man call out, "I'm home! Anybody here?" My girlfriend said, "Oh God! It's my dad! Quick, use the back door!" In retrospect, I now know that I may have misinterpreted her meaning.
Bishop2b5
SEC Exchange Student
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Years ago I dated a woman who had a young child. One night my girlfriend called 911 in a panic. Crying and upset she told them, "My 3-year-old daughter swallowed my boyfriend's condom!" Thankfully everything turned out OK. A couple of minutes later she called them back and said, "Nevermind, we found another one."
ulukinatme
Carr for QB 2025!
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So I'm watching some old SNL clips. The Irish Dating Show comes up, which is a classic. Then I see this in the comments @Bishop2b5 @T Town Tommy
Clip for reference if anyone's never seen it:
In my home state of Alabama its illegal to do reverse cowgirl because in Alabama we never turn our backs on family
Clip for reference if anyone's never seen it: