Your post is a joke.

[woolybug25]

When I checked into a hotel on a recent business trip, I told the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."

She said, "NO! It's regular porn, you sick bastard!"

 

[Whiskeyjack]

In spite of evidence to the contrary, lawyers are people too.

Some even have a sense of humor.

I've seen no evidence of this. The data is inconclusive.

 

[woolybug25]

A fisherman gets onto a bus in Africa and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The fisherman looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off at the next stop.

When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the fisherman, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The fisherman says that he'd love to know how, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. "If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she will think you are God and you could command her to have sex with you."

The fisherman decides this is a great idea, so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun shows up and begins praying when all of the sudden the fisherman jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD! I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, BUT ... first you must have sex with me."

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The fisherman agrees to this and has his way with the nun.

After the fisherman finishes he stands up, rips off the mask and shouts,"Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the fisherman!!"

Then the nun jumps up, rips off the wimple and veil, and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the bus driver!"



***MODS - Feel free to delete if that's too dirty for the main board. Too funny not to share.

 

[Irish#1]

When I checked into a hotel on a recent business trip, I told the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."

She said, "NO! It's regular porn, you sick bastard!"

LMAO

 

[Black Irish]

When I checked into a hotel on a recent business trip, I told the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."

She said, "NO! It's regular porn, you sick bastard!"

Hilarious. I'm glad I already finished my coffee or I may have spit it out laughing.

 

[bigedefense]

Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?" The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh' The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH'!!!!

 

[bigedefense]

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The old man says "I'll have the soup."

 

[bigedefense]

An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.. The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo". The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."

 

[palinurus]

My lawyer told me, "500 lawyers at the bottom of Lake Erie = a good start."

What do you call a half-full bus of lawyers that goes over a cliff?




A lost opportunity.

 

[bigedefense]

I am in Biloxi, MS this week for the World Gulf Coast Coaching Clinic. Haha! A few years ago, a few of my coaching buddies & I came up with the idea to add a couple of days to the clinic. That way we get the whole week off for professional development. One buddy prints up a leaflet that goes in the real brochure that says this, "All coaches that attend the Vendor clinic on Monday & Tuesday will receive an additional 20% off of all orders. Administrators get excited about saving money! Anyway, we meet up, play Texas Hold'em & shoot tha shit for a couple of days.

Now, I said all that to explain why I have posted so many jokes today. The more we drink, the funnier the jokes get & when I heard this one while ago, I thought it had to be ole johnnycando or BobD. Hope y'all think it (and the others I posted today) are as funny as I did. Let me say again that I have been partaking in the sipping of fine spirits!

A woman walks into the store and purchases the following: 1 small box of detergent
1 Bar of soap
3 individual servings of yogurt
2 oranges
1 stick of women�s deodorant.
She then goes to the check out line.

Cashier: Oh, you must be single
Woman: You can tell that by what I bought?
Cashier: No, you're fucking ugly!

 

[bigedefense]

Ok, I have one more for y'all. I think I managed to piss all my buddies off with this one.

A man was walking along the beach in Biloxi beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie!

The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about getting three wishes. You only get one wish.

The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, "I've always wanted to go to Cancun, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Cancun so that I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Gulf? Think of how much concrete... how much steel...! No. Think of another wish."

The man tried to think of another wish. He got to thinking of how being from the south & liking Alabama football, thus the SEC when Bama loses, he wanted to do something for theses universities. So, he tells the genie his wish. He says, "I want to make the SEC just like the University of Notre Dame! I want each school & all involved to have the utmost integrity. I want each university to have academics that will make the Ivy League jealous!"

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

 

[RallySonsOfND]

Ok, I have one more for y'all. I think I managed to piss all my buddies off with this one.

A man was walking along the beach in Biloxi beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie!

The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about getting three wishes. You only get one wish.

The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, "I've always wanted to go to Cancun, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Cancun so that I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Gulf? Think of how much concrete... how much steel...! No. Think of another wish."

The man tried to think of another wish. He got to thinking of how being from the south & liking Alabama football, thus the SEC when Bama loses, he wanted to do something for theses universities. So, he tells the genie his wish. He says, "I want to make the SEC just like the University of Notre Dame! I want each school & all involved to have the utmost integrity. I want each university to have academics that will make the Ivy League jealous!"

This would make more sense if you couldn't already drive to Cancun. lol

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

This would make more sense if couldn't already drive to Cancun. lol

 

[bigedefense]

This would make more sense if couldn't already drive to Cancun. lol

We'll in case you are not used to being around a group of buddies, joking & having a good time, logic is frowned upon heavily when drinking & joking with friends. Ah, there is one in every crowd though.


Also, I would argue that a bridge would be a lot shorter route for many.

Great, using logic has made my head hurt now!

 

[Irish#1]

Ok, I have one more for y'all. I think I managed to piss all my buddies off with this one.

A man was walking along the beach in Biloxi beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie!

The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about getting three wishes. You only get one wish.

The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, "I've always wanted to go to Cancun, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Cancun so that I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Gulf? Think of how much concrete... how much steel...! No. Think of another wish."

The man tried to think of another wish. He got to thinking of how being from the south & liking Alabama football, thus the SEC when Bama loses, he wanted to do something for theses universities. So, he tells the genie his wish. He says, "I want to make the SEC just like the University of Notre Dame! I want each school & all involved to have the utmost integrity. I want each university to have academics that will make the Ivy League jealous!"

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

Funny how jokes get reinvented. I heard that one over 25 years ago, but the destination was Hawaii and the guy wanted to be able to understand women.

 

[Irish#1]

A "slow" guy owns a store and business is lagging. A similar store resides across the street and is always busy. Owner of store #1 goes across the street and asks the owner of store #2 what his secret was?

Owner #2 points to a lady in the checkout and says, "See that lady buying the grass seed and lawnmower"? Owner #2 says yes.

"Well she just came in to buy a bag of grass seed!" explained Owner #2. "See what I did there? Owner #2 asks Owner #1. Owner #1 replies yes and thanks him for the tip.

Owner #1 hurries back across the street to his store and starts watching the check out line. Shortly a woman gets in line with only a package of tampons to purchase. Owner #1 runs up to the lady and asks if she would like to buy a lawnmower. With a puzzled look on her face, the lady looks at the owner and says, "Why would I want to buy a lawnmower?"

The owner looks at her and says, "Well from what I can tell, you aren't going be be doing any fucking for a few days, so you might as well cut your grass!"

 

[Bogtrotter07]

I am in Biloxi, MS this week for the World Gulf Coast Coaching Clinic. Haha! A few years ago, a few of my coaching buddies & I came up with the idea to add a couple of days to the clinic. That way we get the whole week off for professional development. One buddy prints up a leaflet that goes in the real brochure that says this, "All coaches that attend the Vendor clinic on Monday & Tuesday will receive an additional 20% off of all orders. Administrators get excited about saving money! Anyway, we meet up, play Texas Hold'em & shoot tha shit for a couple of days.

Now, I said all that to explain why I have posted so many jokes today. The more we drink, the funnier the jokes get & when I heard this one while ago, I thought it had to be ole johnnycando or BobD. Hope y'all think it (and the others I posted today) are as funny as I did. Let me say again that I have been partaking in the sipping of fine spirits!

A woman walks into the store and purchases the following: 1 small box of detergent
1 Bar of soap
3 individual servings of yogurt
2 oranges
1 stick of women�s deodorant.
She then goes to the check out line.

Cashier: Oh, you must be single
Woman: You can tell that by what I bought?
Cashier: No, you're fucking ugly!

Thank you for explaining to what we owe the pleasure. It makes sense BigE takes the Gulf Coast Coaching Clinic. Details at 11!

But could you explain the "Super Pussy" and the "soup?"

 

[ulukinatme]

But could you explain the "Super Pussy" and the "soup?"

Say "Super Pussy" very slowly

 

[Bogtrotter07]

Say "Super Pussy" very slowly

I just did and got slapped. Then I was told I would have to wait for tomorrow when it was on the menu.

"They, uh, was givin' me 10,000 watts a day, you know, and I'm hot to trot. The next woman who takes me out is gonna' light up like a pinball machine and pay off in silver dollars."

Randle McMurphy





"If Mr. McMurphy doesn't want to take his medication orally, I'm sure we can arrange that he can have it some other way".

Nurse Ratched

 

[dshans]

"Duck soup" is a slang phrase meaning something easy to do. When Groucho was asked for an explanation, he quipped, "Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you'll duck soup for the rest of your life."

 

[ulukinatme]

I just did and got slapped. Then I was told I would have to wait for tomorrow when it was on the menu.

Can't rep you again yet

 

[Whiskeyjack]

In honor of IE's recent biblical trend...

In honor of IE's recent biblical trend...

And God told Abraham to kill his son Isaac, and Abraham was all like "NO WAY" and God was all like "YAHWEH".

Also, this made me laugh:

 

[ACamp1900]

"Duck soup" is a slang phrase meaning something easy to do. When Groucho was asked for an explanation, he quipped, "Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you'll duck soup for the rest of your life."

I tried Duck Noddle Soup for the first time over the weekend... true story.

 

[BobD]

Not a joke, just serious business, but I'll post it here.

 

[BobD]

It's scary to think that 25% of all women are being treated for some sort of mental issue............that means 75% are going untreated.

 

[Irish#1]

Not a joke, just serious business, but I'll post it here.

So true.

 

[gkIrish]

legal joke:

"Statute of Limitations" and "shit outta luck" share the same abbreviation.

 

[BobD]

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late." The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "My wife."

 

[Irish#1]

In church last Sunday, I heard a sweet elderly lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer. It was so innocent and sincere that I just had to share it with you:

Dear Lord:

The last four to five years have been very tough. You have taken my favorite actor - Paul Newman; my favorite actress - Elizabeth Taylor; my favorite singer - Whitney Houston,
and now my favorite author -Tom Clancy.

I just wanted you to know that my favorite politicians are - Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid.

Amen"

 

[BobD]

Seriousness

 

[dshans]

Seriousness

Not to mention those men who wear panties or thongs.

I suspect there are a few here on IE.

No names.