Love question

[NDhoosier]

Hey guys and girls (would definitely love to hear from both genders here), just wondering if anyone is willing to give their perspective on something I have been frustrated with for a couple weeks now. Some of this is going to sound a little foolish or petty, it may not, I dont know:

6 months ago, met a girl, asked her out, she said yes, we hit it off, got into a relationship a month later. Everything was amazing for the first 4 months into the relationship, then I screwed up. We were hanging out at her place and I got frustrated with her dog (long story) to the point I left, but I lied to her and told her I was sick. I eventually came clean a couple days later out of guilt (she never questioned me about it or anything). She became upset for a couple days because I lied to her (which I understand, I know some may be saying it was a "white lie"), but I did apologize to her about the lie and we smoothed things over. Then she got sick and we barely saw each other for about 2 weeks.

Suddenly she texted me that she wanted to break up because of the stress in her life (She absolutely hates her job and they treat her like ****, her parents also live overseas and she misses them a lot) and said that she could not properly take care of a boyfriend right now. She texted because she was on the phone with her mom and she did not think she could handle a conversation in person over this.

I spoke with her friend who pretty much told me the same thing, that it was because she couldnt handle a boyfriend at the time because of the stress. She is looking to have a new job in about 5 months (same department as me actually), we havent spoken to each other in about 10 days and her friend supports her decision because she went through something similar, so I wont get any help there.

My issue is that I want her back and I know the chances of us getting back together in 5 months time is slim to none, especially when we arent really talking because I am giving her some space and because I am not really sure what to say. My question for you all is what do you think I should do?

1) Convince her that I was happy beforehand and have a deep conversation about our relationship (probably not the best wording on the last part)
2) Stay in contact with her somehow (would I fall in the friend zone? I dont want that)
3) Something else
*How would you go about the decision you advise?

I like her a lot and I dont understand the notion that she cannot take care of a boyfriend right now when she was doing great up until I screwed up. I dont need to be taken care of, but I am not sure what I should do next. I am not saying I am innocent in all this and I plan to apologize for the lie more properly and willing to talk to her about how we would change things, if anything, if we got back together (no, I will not beg for her back or become her slave to get her back, I am not desperate, maybe I have fallen for her, I dont know). However, with the reason being mostly "not-me," there is where it gets tricky.

She is emotional right now with everything going on in her life, and rightly so. She told me everything that was going on and I feel terrible for her, but I supported her. What I dont understand is why go through this alone when I can be someone she vents to?

Before anyone says it, no, I know for a fact that there is not another guy in the picture.

 

[tussin]

My thoughts:

1. Good relationships, at the core, are supposed to be easy. A significant other decreases stress, not increases. In my relationship, we forget about stressers every single time that we are with each other. It's ying and yang, we just ease each other.

2. I don't totally buy the narrative that you are presenting. I really don't think that the turning point in your relationship was your frustration with her dog. If that is actually true, then run fast. If pet frustrations cause a major rift then it probably isn't in your best interest to be with her anyway.

3. You did not screw up. Getting annoyed with a dog is not "screwing up." There is no need to get into details... at a surface level, frustration with a pet is not the end of the world. Don't let yourself think that this sole incident is the primary cause as there are clearly other underlying issues as well.

4. If you want a sustainable long term relationship, I think you need to be firm in confronting the problem. Ask her exactly why she got cold on you and figure out if it's a simple misunderstanding or a deeper cause. No offense, but perhaps it is just not meant to be.

 

[NDhoosier]

Thanks for the reply.

It was not really about the dog where I screwed up, it was the lie that I told that bothered her. It just seemed like the turning point because she was upset about the lie so we did not see each other for the next few days. Our work schedule's are difficult sometimes, then she got sick, and I was a fool and did not go to see her even when she kept saying it was ok not to come because she was sick. In a span of about 14 days, I saw her only twice (we were seeing each other every day I was off and then she would see me at work every now and then)... At the end of those 14 days is when she broke up with me.

We were both pretty happy up until that point and nothing else really changed. Once I apologized to her and she accepted it, she was back to her normal self until she got sick, and even then, we were communicating via phone as often as we could. I guess maybe not being around her stressed her out more and she did not know what else to do.

 

[MacIrish75]

I dated my wife of 2.5 years for eight months before I asked her to marry me. I know it's earlier in your relationship, but ask yourself this: "Can I live without her?" My answer to that was: NO. Now, again, I know you may still be trying to figure all that out, but if you even have the slightest inclination that the answer to that question might be No, then you owe it to yourself to try and fix things. My wife and I nearly broke up twice before our engagement. It happens.

Also, relationships (and marriage) are NOT easy and are difficult as hell. You're literally with the same person every single day. You're going to fight and you're going to have to find a way to manage personality differences. I don't know anybody that has an "easy" marriage. But I will tell you, if that's what you're after, you'll be looking for a long time.

Married 2.5 years. One kid. One on the way. Very happy, but we work our asses off to have a good marriage.

 

[MacIrish75]

Also, my wife has always had a 4lb chihuahua, which I detest. But, I've also found relationships and marriage require asking the question: "Is this a hill worth dying on?" Now, it takes some trial and error, but I've found that the whole dog issue, for me, is not a hill worth dying on. Pick your battles brother. Decide what is most important to you and fight those battles. You can't, and won't, win them all.

 

[woolybug25]

Man up, dude. She broke up with you over a dog via text message. Let that sink in for a second.

Then go grab a beer and go get some strange. Be friendly with her and let her know casually that you still dig her. If she comes back, cool. But you dated for six months, so let's not act like you lost a wife. If she is telling the truth, then eventually you'll get another shot. But prepare yourself mentally for that not happening as well. I'm guessing you're a younger fella? If so, things really do pass and life moves on. You'll be good either way.

 

[goldandblue]

Man up, dude. She broke up with you over a dog via text message. Let that sink in for a second.

Then go grab a beer and go get some strange. Be friendly with her and let her know casually that you still dig her. If she comes back, cool. But you dated for six months, so let's not act like you lost a wife. If she is telling the truth, then eventually you'll get another shot. But prepare yourself mentally for that not happening as well. I'm guessing you're a younger fella? If so, things really do pass and life moves on. You'll be good either way.

Could not agree more... Take this route.

 

[NDBoiler]

Maybe I'm misinterpreting, but if she is saying that she can't handle having a boyfriend because of the stress, that might be her trying to put in a nice way that she isn't very interested in you. If you truly have stress in your life, it's not natural to push away someone you care a lot about at a time when you would most likely want to have someone else there to support you and who equally cares about you in return. I'd also be interested in how old she is, as this seems to be a somewhat immature response and reasoning.

The bottom line is, all you can do is give her the space she desires, try to gently keep in touch and let her know you are there for her. If she really is interested in you, she'll come back around when her life settles a bit. Otherwise, move on, you will find someone else. As tough as that may sound right now, it is the truth.

 

[Jimmy3Putt]

This might sound harsh, but it sounds to me like she's just not really into you.
Your brief time apart let her realize that she either doesn't want a relationship right now, or doesn't want one with you.

It sucks, but it's life.
I would move on.
BUT if you want her back then i suggest the following:

-Ignore her.
-Don't call/text/facebook.
-If she calls you, act casual and friendly, but ALWAYS let her go first, preferably in less than 4-5 minutes!
-If you see her out somewhere be nice, but also seem indifferent about seeing her.
-Start casual dating and subtly make sure she knows about it.

Trust me, she'll be back in your bed in no time.

Needy never works.
You might think you can convince her, but you'll just drive her further away.

 

[IrishLax]

Didn't read the thread. Has anyone said PIIHB yet?

 

[ginman]

LAX - I so knew that was coming.... lol

 

[GoldenDomer15]

Didn't read the thread. Has anyone said PIIHB yet?

wait for it...

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[ryno 24]

is this as good as the thread question about a girl? Thread of the year

 

[ginman]

ND Hoosier- the first thing I would do is get advice from all the wisdom of this board....... oh wait, never mind......

I like relationships and I do them for a living. Your scenario is wrought with red flags. What I would suggest is that you tell her (in person) that you are confused about what happened and ask if she would be willing to meet with you to discuss it. If the two of you cannot have a real, honest discussion about what is going on then this relationship is not going anywhere.
I would not play any games - just be mature, say what you feel and at the end of the day know that you behaved in a way that you can live with. If she cannot have a discussion with you, I think your answer is pretty clear. And I'm sorry, when relationships end that we care about - it hurts. Hopefully we learn from them and it gives us the foundation for meeting the right person for you in the future. Good luck

 

[tommyIRISH23]

Here's my take. I'm on a phone so I apologize for being short. 1. I don't really buy her story. If she feels stressed out and lonely bc her parents are not around, you would think some stability would ground her. I don't know that you did anything wrong, I think maybe that her feelings went away for no particular reason and she did not know why so she came up with the excuse everyone seems to use these days....I'm stressed out and have blah blah problems. 2. Her friend is not going to give you an honest answer even if she had one. She prob won't want to get in the middle of anything.

Do what you want but here's what I would do. Stop talking to her, if you see her out be polite and say hello. Be respectful and cordial. But act like its not a big deal, stand confident even if you're hurting. Go out and meet other people but don't try to throw it in her face bc that will come off as weak. Just go have fun and live, brother. It hurts I'm sure but it's only temporary. We've all been there.

 

[Veritate Duce Progredi]

The easiest answer is to walk away but it's probably the most difficult answer to act out or read. I'm not being insensitive, I've been through my fair share of heartbreaks but if I could go back and tell myself anything it would be this:

If you want to be happy in life, it won't be the result of chasing someone. You must take care of yourself and you must be self-possessed. If she doesn't have time for you, don't try to convince her you are worth it.

It's a waste of time for you and her. Don't listen to sad music, don't wallow, go do something good that improves your life. Workout, cook, hang out with friends, read, sit in silence and reflect. Allow all of your thoughts and emotions to come to the surface but don't act on anything.

Just let the pain or emptiness pour over you and allow yourself to work through it. Suppressing does nothing. Working to convince a woman (who you already have a dating history with) that you are worthy of her time is futile.

It's better for you to focus on yourself and as much as possible, be nonchalant about the whole deal.

I would've hated reading this advice because it would've felt nearly impossible but I believe it to be the most honest.

 

[RyCo1983]

I saw the title and was 1000000% sure it was a Brick thread.

Where's the popcorn?

 

[notredomer23]

I would normally be sympathetic, but she broke up with you over text, soo:

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[IrishHokie22]

I'm probably the wrong person to be giving advice, considering I haven't been in what I consider to be a real relationship in like four years, but I do have some thoughts. Take them with a grain of salt.

- I hate to sound insensitive, but based on the information you provided, it honestly just sounds like she's not that into you. The fact that she broke up with you via text is downright disrespectful. You guys dated for nearly six months; considering you didn't cheat on her, you are absolutely deserving of more than a break-up text. It's a very high school thing to do. It's basically her way of telling you that she doesn't care enough about the relationship to have an adult conversation with you about your relationship. I'm sure she has real stress in her life, but who doesn't? That's nothing more than a cop-out by her to avoid seeing you. Do you really want to be with a girl like that?

- When a girl has made up her mind on something, she rarely changes it. You can plead your case but it will likely fall on deaf ears. I dated a girl for nearly two years in college, took her for granted, and she broke up with me after I made some really stupid and insensitive remarks towards her. We didn't speak for about two weeks, I reached out to her to let her know I was sorry, she wasn't having it, and about another month went by. I finally manned up and just showed up at her house to plead my case. I spoke with her for about two hours and she was mature enough to hear me out, but I could have transformed into George Clooney and won the Powerball and she wasn't going to take me back. Her mind was made up. Unfortunately, you didn't date this girl for as long and she probably wasn't as attached. The odds of her changing her mind are slim to none. But not all is lost...

- Breakups are awful and you can go through a bunch of them in life and never really get used to them. Unfortunately, the only thing that heals a wounded heart is time. You can (and should) hit the gym, go out with friends, read, cook, anything to better yourself, but those things will only marginally help the process. Give it time, and allow yourself to hurt for a while. It's natural. It's normal. You will eventually get over it, and there is no big event that will change that. One day it's just going to hit you that you no longer care about her and that you're happy (or at least content) with your life, and that is a very comforting thought. I was incredibly depressed about my breakup for a long time (I hardly left my apartment for like six months, maybe longer). I learned a lot about myself during this time and thankfully, I got over the breakup. You will too.

- I wish someone could give you some grand advice that will give you what you want, but unfortunately, life just doesn't work that way. Don't go begging/pleading with her to take you back; your heart may be in the right place but women hate the stink of desperation. Honestly, you need to take some time away from her. Maybe in about a month or so revisit the situation and ask yourself "do I still want her back?" If the answer is yes, you can try calling her (don't text) just to see if she'd entertain the idea of getting back together. She probably won't, but if it's really what you want, give it a shot. If she says no, then let it go and finally move on once and for all. No more calls, no more texts, hide her from your Facebook, don't talk to her friends, etc. My guess though is that you will be feeling much better about the situation in about a month and will no longer feel the need to reach out to her. You'd be surprised how much a little time (even a measly 30 days or so) will heal and change your perspective.

- Good luck. You're going to be fine.

 

[Cackalacky]

Agree with wooly. Sack up and go find a Betty that is into you.

 

[Wild Bill]

Agree with wooly. Sack up and go find a Betty that is into you.

Yep. Don't let her threaten you with a good time. Get your drinking shoes on and throw it around a bit. Nothing cures heart ache like a good piece of ass.

 

[NDRock]

Bang her friend, that will drive her back in your arms.

 

[arndtjc]

Is Kelly REALLY(?!?!??) a gO0D coach though? I mean, he left Slow Schmidt in all year

Edit: Joe Schmidt*


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[DomerInHappyValley]

Didn't read the thread. Has anyone said PIIHB yet?

The correct answer in this situations would be PIIHFB.

 

[pumpdog20]

Agree with wooly. Sack up and go find a Betty that is into you.

Read nothing but this, and you're on the right path. Seriously, stop wasting another second on this nonsense.

 

[dang227]

Get a dog

 

[GoldenDome]

Bro, she broke up with you via text. It is not like you met her two weeks ago.

 

[ThePiombino]

She might be the greatest girl in the world in your mind. But she broke up with you via text. That means, even if she does like/love you, she doesn't respect you. Fuck that. Move on and thank yourself later.

 

[GoldenDome]

I agree with others, I think she just aint into you bro. The first few months is the love bird stage, everything is grand and exciting. After that, you really get to know the person. Perhaps she just aint digging you. Go out, find another honey bun and post it on Insta, if she comes running back then BINGO! If not, you got a new chick that you could test the waters with.

 

[calvegas04]

move on and go to pound town on her friends?