Wives and the Stupid **** They Say/Do

[ulukinatme]

The wife and I were visiting our son at college this weekend and we went out to dinner with him and his girlfriend who happens to be from Texas. As we were driving home my wife asked me if I noticed all she talked about was Texas.

"Texas, Texas. Texas. There are 52 other states in this country. Why does she feel the need to only talk about Texas?"

I just agreed with her and kept on driving. Bless her heart.

This is where curiosity would have gotten the better of me. I would have asked my wife to name all 53 states.

 

[T Town Tommy]

This is where curiosity would have gotten the better of me. I would have asked my wife to name all 53 states.

LOL...

Geography is not her strong point. She is the only person I know in Alabama that goes up to Florida and down to NYC. But she's smoking hot so I have to overlook the minor things.

 

[Wild Bill]

While I was cutting the grass, I ran over the metal gardening scissors... And I think I might have ruined my lawn mower :-(

Email I just got.

Mower is a week old.

 

[GATTACA!]

LOL...

Geography is not her strong point. She is the only person I know in Alabama that goes up to Florida and down to NYC. But she's smoking hot so I have to overlook the minor things.

Hey its what's on the inside that counts, right?


Last night I had to explain to my wife the concept of one and a half. Apparently she made it through high school and nursing school thinking that one and half of anything was the same as adding 150%. So she thought one and a half times 10 would be 25.

Much like TTs situation I'll forgive it because she smoking hot, but needless to say I will be on homework duty when that time comes.

 

[ulukinatme]

Email I just got.

Mower is a week old.

Aha, I've got another now.

My back has been messed up quite a bit off and on since Spring (I'm 33 and I've had 2 back surgeries already) which made it tough to twist and turn, and by extension it was painful to mow the lawn. Thoughtfully my wife decided on her own to mow the lawn, which was nice, but she couldn't start the mower the first time she tried it. The cord wouldn't budge. She came to tell me about it, to which I asked "I can't look at it today, there's a lot of work to do and I won't be off till late. I'll take a look at it tomorrow, just leave it till then." The next day she goes out early in the morning and tries it again, this time she was able to start it. She tells me "It's fine now." Hmm...

Fast forward this summer, mower cuts out while mowing, and she can't pull the cord again to start it. The cord isn't budging at all. This time I tell her again to leave it alone, I go down immediately to look at it. Nothing is jamming the blade. Take a look in the oil reservoir...it's bone dry. It's probably been empty all season since I haven't been doing the mowing. Not good.

 

[ACamp1900]

What car??

https://www.facebook.com/xKristenReneex/videos/10153353420408429/

 

[Andy in Sactown]

What car??

https://www.facebook.com/xKristenReneex/videos/10153353420408429/

BMW 3-series; not an M3. Can't tell you the exact one (based on engine configuration and displacement).

 

[ACamp1900]

lol.. I meant that with a hot Asian chick there does anyone even see/notice the car...

 

[GowerND11]

In a recent conversation with my girlfriend, she couldn't get the concept that going further south is not the reason the weather gets warmer (well it is for us here in the Northern Hemisphere, but not my point).

During the conversation the South Pole was brought up. She asked where it was. (Off to a good start) I told her it's at the southern most point of the Earth, and she said, "Oh so it's really warm." I looked at her in amazement. She just assumed that everything South is warmer (as explained above). Trying to get her to understand that it's when you get closer to the equator just didn't work. She couldn't wrap her head around that idea.

 

[ACamp1900]

"Just keep going South girl... getting warmer,... warmer..."

 

[ginman]

Hey its what's on the inside that counts, right?


Last night I had to explain to my wife the concept of one and a half. Apparently she made it through high school and nursing school thinking that one and half of anything was the same as adding 150%. So she thought one and a half times 10 would be 25.

Much like TTs situation I'll forgive it because she smoking hot, but needless to say I will be on homework duty when that time comes.

How could that go badly:

Doctor- Give him one and a half doses
Nurse- Got it!

 

[tussin]

I once asked my girlfriend how deep she thought the ocean is at its deepest point. Her response was "1,000 miles" aka the same distance as Pennsylvania to Florida.

This is a PhD student btw.

 

[wizards8507]

I once asked my girlfriend how deep she thought the ocean is at its deepest point. Her response was "1,000 miles" aka the same distance as Pennsylvania to Florida.

This is a PhD student btw.

So... not 1,000 miles?

 

[tussin]

So... not 1,000 miles?

Thinking the ocean is 1000 miles deep is worse than the 53 states mistake IMO.

 

[tussin]

Also, while watching Titanic, Dicaprio says some line about "seeing a movie at the nickelodeon" and my girlfriend exclaims, "I can't believe they were watching Nickelodeon back then!"

 

[ulukinatme]

Thinking the ocean is 1000 miles deep is worse than the 53 states mistake IMO.

I don't know on that one. It's already been well established that women have no sense of direction or distances. However, the United States has been locked at 50 states since 1959, and it's a nice round number. I'm going to side with T-Town on that one. Although she does get bonus points given the fact she's a PhD student, she's at least better educated and should know better.

Also, while watching Titanic, Dicaprio says some line about "seeing a movie at the nickelodeon" and my girlfriend exclaims, "I can't believe they were watching Nickelodeon back then!"

Now that one, that one is good.

 

[ACamp1900]

It does amaze me how many people are blind to things like that,... the amount of students I've had enter my classes (College Level ) who thought Hitler was actually shot to death by Jews in a movie theater blew my mind... and I would bet the vast majority of HS grads in the country have no clue what a Nickelodeon was at all... I've encountered many that had no real idea who George Washington or Thomas Jefferson were... they were just names they'd heard thrown around here and there...

 

[ulukinatme]

George Washington or Thomas Jefferson were... they were just names they'd heard thrown around here and there...

Class, who is on the $1 bill?

"George Jefferson!"

 

[pkt77242]

It does amaze me how many people are blind to things like that,... the amount of students I've had enter my classes (College Level ) who thought Hitler was actually shot to death by Jews in a movie theater blew my mind... and I would bet the vast majority of HS grads in the country have no clue what a Nickelodeon was at all... I've encountered many that had no real idea who George Washington or Thomas Jefferson were... they were just names they'd heard thrown around here and there...

Wait, Sarah Palin was in your class?

 

[ulukinatme]

This one's not mine, reposting for the lulz:

After dinner, wife and I split duties. One of us does the dishes, while the other showers our 3 year old. Conversation from last night:

Wife: Okay. She's clean. Can you dry her hair?
Me (holding a greasy pan): Kinda busy here.
Wife: She doesn't want me to dry her hair.
Me: Why not?
Wife: I farted. She said it was stinky and told me to leave.
Me: So you farted, closed the door, and now want me to go in? [/jackiechanwtf]


For the record, my wife's farts could peel paint off the walls. I've petitioned the UN to register her gas as a WMD. I seriously considered breaking up with her because she farted in bed and I wasn't sure I could be with someone so odious. She also lacks the courtesy to open a window or go outside before she airs out the decaying skunk that burrowed in her ass and subsequently died, and this was probably the eleventy billionth time my daughter has told her to go fart somewhere else.

 

[dshans]

Wait, Sarah Palin was in your class?

El Kabong kabongs again!

 

[Irish Insanity]

BMW 3-series; not an M3. Can't tell you the exact one (based on engine configuration and displacement).

The hood looks a bit long for a 3 series, no?

 

[Circa]

Ok, Me and the sometimes better half where on a business trip to New York. I'm soundly sleeping in the passenger seat, It's around 2am. CRUNCH. I awaken to a stunned wife and found that she had mistakenly backed into a light pole, (which was on). As I came to my senses and look around to see absolutely 0 vehicles in this particular rest area, I sat and wondered WHY? and than I lost It! You literally could have gone breaking bad and done donuts till the tires fell off. Good Grief!

 

[Circa]

Despite having a double-major in Econ/Accounting from ND, my SO still doesn't know her left from her right. When she's giving directions she literally has to point, and if she doesn't she gets angry when I take a wrong turn. I taught her the "L" trick and she's starting to get it.

Apparently this has something to do with genetics but it seems ridiculous. Her aunt doesn't know the difference either and has a PhD in Marine Biology.

Wow. I'm so happy you posted this. My ole' lady caught on a little easier after the engagement. I was dumbfounded by it. Funny stuff

 

[Fbolt]

How about when I came home the other day and my wife threw my clothes at me and shouted go live with your whore!

wtf - where the hell did that come from?

 

[ACamp1900]

I know I've mentioned it multiple times but anyone else married to a Filipino family-... Er... I mean girl? We could have such fun here with that one, but my love of telling jokes only I would get goes only so far.....

 

[Guest]

I know I've mentioned it multiple times but anyone else married to a Filipino family-... Er... I mean girl? We could have such fun here with that one, but my love of telling jokes only I would get goes only so far.....

Cambodian, so same thing ..

 

[Wild Bill]

How about when I came home the other day and my wife threw my clothes at me and shouted go live with your whore!

wtf - where the hell did that come from?

Don't threaten me with a good time.

 

[Bogtrotter07]

Don't threaten me with a good time.

Irish rodeo? Just getting in to it on top of your partner, and sweetly whispering in her ear that you are having an affair, and seeing how long you can stay on? . . .

I wasn't going to post in this thread, but you know me. I thought better of my logical decision to abstain, mostly because of all the good or competent things I have done in life, marriage was definitely not one. And gave in to my more primal, and smart-assed urges!

But, here goes! This is about my ex-wife; I can't figure out which one of us changed more in our years together.

First you all must know that she has a dark side, she was a big ND fan while we were together. Now of course she is a diehard Ohio State fan, arrogant and anti ND as any of them. Brutal woman!

Early on when we were together, it was clear that she had a problem with direction. Especially as that related to interpreting a map. So I would ask her which way certain states were as an exercise. Washington was (meaning the state) West. Pennsylvania, and New York were East; Florida, was South; etc. And I always did refer to the capitol as DC.

So she finally got Washington (the state) was west. And I even picked Washington State because she related it to the place where her brother lived, (Seattle.)

We were at a party, each talking to different people and I hear her saying something about the capitol is on the west coast! (Was she actually correcting someone?) People are looking. Conversation is stopping. I am not getting any closer.

Later, we began discussing it, and I told her that the original colonies that became the first states of the nation were on the Atlantic Coast, and that though the capitol was moved three times, it was near them. And I asked her which direction the Atlantic Ocean was, and she correctly answered.

I became confused after I asked her where the original colonies were, She answered after only a brief moment of hesitation, "East," emphatically with a confident smile. I couldn't figure it out for the life of me! Then I asked her given that, why she would think the capitol was west. She stated equally as emphatically, "Because the capitol is in Washington." I took her hand, looked her in the eye and explained; she responded incredulously, "You mean there is more than one Washington?"

*******

My ex-used to have a cheating dream. In hers, she was always the cheater, and she always would be compelled to share them to me. Every once in a while I would ask her about them and she would tell me, because they were usually more humorous than anything. She apparently would have no control over who she selected as a partner, and some times the disgust and contempt she would genuinely feel at admitting the partner she was paired with and recounting the dream were worth the price of admission!

One day she woke up and was pissed off from the get go! I finally asked her what I did, and her venomous reply, (not exaggerating in the slightest, the stare, the muted low under-the-breath, mono-tone voice, AND the pointing finger, made my skin crawl.

I blinked, waiting for the words to form at the corner of her mouth, "You cheated on me!"

It really took a couple moments of painful silence for what she said to sink in, and than another couple to really get it. She finally had a dream where I cheated on her. She was livid all day. Her dream, but it didn't matter! I didn't even try to get out of the doghouse let alone turn on the charm, because, though I wasn't very smart when it came to women, I did value my life, and was not likely to exhibit any such suicidal tendencies.

She never admitted to having another cheating dream again, either of her or me being the unfaithful party.

******

After we separated and divorced, she remained in the marital house, even though we had shared custody of our children. Most of our neighbors remained friends with me. The couple across the street were particularly close friends. They decided to adopt and were really close to getting a child from Guatemala, just before the country shut down all adoptions to the US. My friends were left high and dry.

In my ex-wife's attempt to reach out, she asked where they were going to turn to look next, and when they answered that they didn't know, she suggested Russia. My friends stated that they had reservations about Russia because of all of the problems that were happening. "Ex-xy" asked why there were so many problems, and the couple told her that about one out of three Russian adoptees suffered some level of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

She was aghast and replied absolutely seriously, "Yeah, I understand that Russian Whiskey is bad stuff!"

******

In keeping with the theme that my ex-wife took a turn to the dark side, she became involved with a sociopathic moron that we had known for ten or fifteen years. He had been divorced from another acquaintance or friend for a few years. The stories of their split-up were horrific. Especially since my ex-wife promised me that she would make sure that anyone she brought into the home would be good with and for the kids. (Remember, at this time we had shared custody.)

Well on a particular evening drop-off, I had had enough of this guys bad behavior. He appeared to me always thoughtless, always drunk, and constantly mean. She and I were talking on the driveway about some issue or another with the kids; it was our business.

Then he just had to come out and interject himself into the conversation. I asked him to leave because it didn't have anything to do with him it was our business and we need to clear some things up about "our" kids. He blew up. I probably shouldn't have, but I asked him why he wanted to stay and talk with the grownups, because there would be so many big words that he wouldn't understand anyways. (Equally true, but probably best left unsaid on my part.)

After he blew up the kids began watching out of the windows. Things were really getting tense; all I could envision was that the police were being dispatched. I was standing facing south on the drive, and they were both facing me toward the north, about four feet away.

So in a fit of frustration and despair, I called out, "I can't help but believe one of you is next to the stupidest person I have ever met! Instead of WWIII, which I fully expected, (Because anyone would get that, right?), their demeanor totally changed from anger and hostility, to brief confusion, and then to something else. Something that looked to me like relief from constipation. And then she said "Thank you!" Clearly she saw me as a bigger man that day! (??) One of the first time in all the years of our association.

A new beginning? Not on your asses! Our oldest daughter whom I love to no end, and have referred to on this site as a "rebel without a clue," later explained the situation and what my comment had to mean in detail! Good times!

*****

It isn't a wife story but that guy actually said to me later, "So you think I am stupid?"

And so goes life!

 

[GowerND11]

It does amaze me how many people are blind to things like that,... the amount of students I've had enter my classes (College Level ) who thought Hitler was actually shot to death by Jews in a movie theater blew my mind... and I would bet the vast majority of HS grads in the country have no clue what a Nickelodeon was at all... I've encountered many that had no real idea who George Washington or Thomas Jefferson were... they were just names they'd heard thrown around here and there...

Well to be fair, the history books leave out the good parts about Washington's life. That's why students don't know enough about him...

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