Your post is a joke.

[P.Richards68]

A father is talking to his kids about the birds and bees. The first daughter who is 13 says, "Dad don't worry im a lesbian."

"Thats, Ok babygirl i love you just the same" he says.

His other daughter lets out a deep sigh, and says " dad im lesbian too"

At this point his face is red and he is quite agitated. He looks them both over and says" God dang it!! does anyone in this house like guys?"

His Son pops out of nowhere and says" yeah dad, i do!!!"

 

[P.Richards68]

This is the Parable of the Fly and the Trout! (its a little long but a good one to tell around some buddies, while drinking)

There is a Fly, flying above a stream and 12 inches below that Fly is a trout. The trout says to himself "If that fly drops 6 inches I'm gonna jump up and eat that fly.."

Behind the trout is a bear and the bear says to himself, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the trout will jump and get that fly and I will get that trout!"

Behind the bear is a hunter on the shore and he says to himself, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the trout will jump and get that fly, the bear will get that trout and present a shot and I will shoot the bear!"

Behind the hunter is a mouse and he says to himself, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the trout will jump and get that fly, the bear will get that trout, the hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich and I'll grab the cheese!"

Behind the mouse is a bobcat and he says to himself, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the trout will jump and get that fly, the bear will get that trout, the hunter will shoot the bear, drop his cheese sandwich for the mouse and I'll will pounce on the mouse!!!"

Well the fly drops 6 inches, the trout gets they fly, the bear gets the trout, the hunter shoots the bear droping his cheese sandwich which the mouse snags and the bobcat leaps with all his might overshooting the mouse landing in the river!!

The moral of the story is....When the fly drops 6 inches the pussy gets wet!!! (Drop mic and exits stage!)

PROPS

 

[BobD]

 

[Black Irish]

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey and downs it. He asks for another one and slugs it back, then another.

Bartender: "You're really putting them away, buddy. What's the occasion?"
Guy: "Today was my first blow job."
Bartender: "Hey, congratulations. Let me buy you another shot."
Guy: "Nah. If the first 3 don't get the taste out then nothing will."

 

[BobD]

 

[Black Irish]

I failed symmetry class. I got an "A."

 

[Bubba]

I heard Mark Sanchez threw Tim Tebow a going away party, but it was intercepted and returned for a touchdown!

 

[Bubba]

Q: Did you hear the new penalty for speeding in New York?

A: On the first offense they give you Jets tickets, and on the second offense, they make you use them.

 

[IrishSteelhead]

I miss all the jokes about Alabama fans before that thread got nuked. Maybe Pham could unearth those gems into this thread?

 

[KPENN]

An elementary school math teacher asked her class one day, "If there are three birds on a wire, and a farmer shot one, how many are left?"
One little boy said two, but little Sally, realizing it was a trick question, said, "None, 'cause everyone knows that if you shoot at birds they all fly away." The teacher congratulates her on her correct answer.

Little Johnny, however, disagreed. He said, "No, there would be one -- the one that the farmer shot."

The teacher replied, "No, Johnny, you're wrong, but I like the way you think."

"OK, teacher, I have a riddle for you," boasted Johnny. "Let's say three women are at a bar and they each order a single scoop ice cream cone. The first one eats it by gently licking it around the edges, the second slowly sucks the ice cream off the cone from the top, and the third gobbles the top and then sucks the rest out of the cone. Which one is married?"

After a few seconds of contemplation, the teacher replied, "Well, I think it must be the third, the one that gobbles the top and sucks out the inside."

Johnny responded, "No, teacher, you're wrong -- it's the one with the wedding ring. But I like the way you think."

 

[Black Irish]

A woman just steps out of the shower when there's a knock at the door. No one else is home, so she wraps a towel around herself and answers the door. Standing there is her next door neighbor. The neighbor says, "I'll give you $500 if you drop that towel." The woman shrugs and drops the towel. The neighbor looks her over approvingly and hands the women the money.

The woman closes the door, feeling very pleased at the easiest money she ever made. Just then the phone rings; it's the woman's husband. The husband says "Hey, hon, keep an eye out for Mark from next door. He's going to drop by sometime today to repay me the $500 I lent him."

 

[IrishinTN]

 

[Bubba]

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of duct tape."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch me some ducks."

"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"It's a pussy willow."

"Wait up...I'll get my hat."

 

[BobD]

 

[Black Irish]

A guy goes into a bar and tells the bartender, "drinks all around, on me, and pour one for yourself, barkeep." So the bartender sets up the whole bar and tells the guy "that'll be $50." the guy says that he has no money, so the bartender slaps him and tosses him out the door.

The next night, the same guy comes in and says "drinks all around, including you bartender. It's on me." So the bartender sets up the bar and tells the guy "that's $50 plus the $50 from last night." The guy says he has no cash, so the bartender slaps him and throws him out.

The guy comes back the following night. He tells the bartender, "drinks all around except for you." The bartender asks, "why no drinks for me?" The guy says, "you get violent when you're drunk."

 

[IrishinTN]

 

[dshans]

I imagine that "no further studies are expected" is due to a lack of male volunteers for the study. Some may be horny enough to take a one-in-three chance, but I ain't one of 'em!

*Especially since group one will morph into membership in groups two and three, thus reducing the odds of "success" over time. An effective 0% chance is a downer.

 

[IrishinTN]

But they will pay you in beer.

 

[dshans]

But they will pay you in beer.

Well, if a straw is placed in the duct tape for beer delivery (I'll defer to pkt as to just which beer would make it all worthwhile) that could then be used to douse the fire ... maybe. There's still the matter of the spear in the chest ...

 

[IrishinTN]

There's still the matter of the spear in the chest ...

Rub some dirt on it.

 

[dshans]

Rub some dirt on it.

I see your point. Just mix in some spit to make it a mud compress and you'd "be good to go."

 

[Rack Em]

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?




Dr. Dre!

 

[Black Irish]

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?




Dr. Dre!

Ha ha, I always liked that one.

What do you call a black man flying a plane?

A pilot, you racist!

 

[IrishinTN]

 

[Black Irish]

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

 

[Black Irish]

A conference for beer brewery presidents is finishing up for the day, so all the bigwigs head to a bar. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud, the president of Coors gets a Coors Light, and the president of Miller orders an MGD. The president of Guinness orders a coke. When all the other beer honchos express their surprise, the president of Guinness tells them: "If you guys aren't going to drink beer then neither am I."

 

[Black Irish]

A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender to give him a glass of his most expensive scotch and make it a double. The bartender pours it and the guy slams it back in one gulp. The guy orders another and does the same thing, then again. The bartender asks why the guy is gulping down high end single malt scotch like he is.
The guy says "You'd be drinking like this too if you had what I have."
"What do you have?"
"One dollar."

 

[Black Irish]

It seems that Justin Bieber was seen urinating into a mop bucket at a restaurant. So someone tweeted: "It has to be a fake, because the person was peeing while standing up."

 

[Black Irish]

Three women are the only survivors of a ship wreck. They wind up on a small, remote desert island. As they walk the beach, they find a lamp in the sand. One of them rubs the lamp and a genie pops out. The genie grants them 3 wishes, one per woman. The brunette wishes to be sent back home and POOF, she disappears. The redhead also wishes to go back home and immediately vanishes. The genie asks the blonde what her wish is. The blonde looks around and says, "I'm all alone. I wish my two friends were still here."

 

[T Town Tommy]

Three women are the only survivors of a ship wreck. They wind up on a small, remote desert island. As they walk the beach, they find a lamp in the sand. One of them rubs the lamp and a genie pops out. The genie grants them 3 wishes, one per woman. The brunette wishes to be sent back home and POOF, she disappears. The redhead also wishes to go back home and immediately vanishes. The genie asks the blonde what her wish is. The blonde looks around and says, "I'm all alone. I wish my two friends were still here."

That's Soooo my wife.