Your post is a joke.
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levicarvalho
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So, Lane Kiffin and Matt Barkley walk into a bar..to watch the BCS
Black Irish
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An Irishman walks into a bar in New York, takes a seat at a corner table, and orders 3 pints of Guinness. The staff expects 2 more more people to join him, but the man sits there all alone and eventually drinks all 3 beers. The Irishman continues this habit every Saturday. Finally, the bar's owner asks the man what the story is.
The Irishman tells the owner that when he lived in Ireland, he and his two brothers would meet every Saturday for a beer. But one brother moved to the other side of the country and he got transfered by his company to work in New York. But the tradition was special to him and he didn't want to lose it.
The Irishman continues his Saturday tradition, until one day he comes in and orders only 2 pints. The staff is worried that something terrible has happened to one of the man's brothers. They don't want to invade his privacy but they do want to extend their condolences. After the Irishman finishes the 2 beers the bar's owner goes up, extends his hand, and says "My staff and I just want to say we are sorry for the loss of your brother."
The Irishman says, "Oh, both of my brothers are just fine."
The bar owner, perplexed, asks why he only ordered 2 beers.
"I've given up drinking," the Irishman replies.
The Irishman tells the owner that when he lived in Ireland, he and his two brothers would meet every Saturday for a beer. But one brother moved to the other side of the country and he got transfered by his company to work in New York. But the tradition was special to him and he didn't want to lose it.
The Irishman continues his Saturday tradition, until one day he comes in and orders only 2 pints. The staff is worried that something terrible has happened to one of the man's brothers. They don't want to invade his privacy but they do want to extend their condolences. After the Irishman finishes the 2 beers the bar's owner goes up, extends his hand, and says "My staff and I just want to say we are sorry for the loss of your brother."
The Irishman says, "Oh, both of my brothers are just fine."
The bar owner, perplexed, asks why he only ordered 2 beers.
"I've given up drinking," the Irishman replies.
A man and his wife and his wife are sitting down at the kitchen table one evening. Strewn across the table are bills, a calculator, a notepad. The look on the man’s face is tortured, his hands gripping his hair in anguish.
“Honey”, he says, “we can’t continue like this. If we don’t raise some money immediately, we are going to foreclose on the house”.
“Oh, Frank, that’s terrible. What are we going to do?”
“Well”, he said, “I’ve thought that over, and the only way that we can generate the cash we need quickly is for you to temporarily become a streetwalker. You know I am due for a promotion in two months, and if we control our spending, just a couple of weeks of moonlighting should enable us to turn the corner. After that, we can live normally again.”
“Frank, do I have to?”
“I am afraid so, Betty, it’s the only way.”
So a couple of nights later, Betty (an attractive woman by the way) gets gussied up, puts on a short skirt and stiletto heels, and Frank drives her to the “strip” downtown.
“OK, Betty, nothing to worry about. I will be parked here in the alley and watching you in case anything weird happens. Just walk invitingly up and down the sidewalk, and eventually someone will stop.”
So Betty did as instructed, and sure enough, fifteen minutes later a car stops, the automatic window opens, and the guy asks “how much Baby?” Now Betty is confused, she hadn’t discussed the amount to charge with Frank, and said, “just a minute”.
She runs down the street, ducks into the alley and taps on Frank’s car window. “The guy wants to know how much?” Frank says, “Tell him it’s a $100 for the whole shebang”. “OK, Frank, got it.”
Betty runs back to the guy and tells him it’ll cost $100 for her to go all the way. Then the guy tells her, “but I only have $30.” Knowing how hard up she and Frank are for money, Betty tells the guy to “wait a minute”.
So once again she runs over to where Frank is parked and tells him the guy only has $30. “What’ll I do?’ Frank thinks a minute and says, “tell him for $30 he can get a hand job”. So Betty runs back to the guy and says that for $30 he can get a hand job. He says, “great, get in” and proceeds to drive to the same alley where Frank is parked.
As he begins to pull down his pants, Betty is aghast at the size of his appendage, and says, “wait a minute”.
She runs back to Frank, and taps on his window. Frank, annoyed, says, “now what is it?”
Betty replies, “can you lend this guy $70?”
“Honey”, he says, “we can’t continue like this. If we don’t raise some money immediately, we are going to foreclose on the house”.
“Oh, Frank, that’s terrible. What are we going to do?”
“Well”, he said, “I’ve thought that over, and the only way that we can generate the cash we need quickly is for you to temporarily become a streetwalker. You know I am due for a promotion in two months, and if we control our spending, just a couple of weeks of moonlighting should enable us to turn the corner. After that, we can live normally again.”
“Frank, do I have to?”
“I am afraid so, Betty, it’s the only way.”
So a couple of nights later, Betty (an attractive woman by the way) gets gussied up, puts on a short skirt and stiletto heels, and Frank drives her to the “strip” downtown.
“OK, Betty, nothing to worry about. I will be parked here in the alley and watching you in case anything weird happens. Just walk invitingly up and down the sidewalk, and eventually someone will stop.”
So Betty did as instructed, and sure enough, fifteen minutes later a car stops, the automatic window opens, and the guy asks “how much Baby?” Now Betty is confused, she hadn’t discussed the amount to charge with Frank, and said, “just a minute”.
She runs down the street, ducks into the alley and taps on Frank’s car window. “The guy wants to know how much?” Frank says, “Tell him it’s a $100 for the whole shebang”. “OK, Frank, got it.”
Betty runs back to the guy and tells him it’ll cost $100 for her to go all the way. Then the guy tells her, “but I only have $30.” Knowing how hard up she and Frank are for money, Betty tells the guy to “wait a minute”.
So once again she runs over to where Frank is parked and tells him the guy only has $30. “What’ll I do?’ Frank thinks a minute and says, “tell him for $30 he can get a hand job”. So Betty runs back to the guy and says that for $30 he can get a hand job. He says, “great, get in” and proceeds to drive to the same alley where Frank is parked.
As he begins to pull down his pants, Betty is aghast at the size of his appendage, and says, “wait a minute”.
She runs back to Frank, and taps on his window. Frank, annoyed, says, “now what is it?”
Betty replies, “can you lend this guy $70?”
4irishnation
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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender says, "Hey Pirate...do you realize there is a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?" The pirate walks over to the bartender and says, "ARRRGGHHH..it's drivin' me nuts!"
Cali_domer
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Why did the pervert cross the road?
His dick was stuck in the chicken...
His dick was stuck in the chicken...
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There's a man that's having performance problems every night when he tries to get with his wife. He decides to see what kind of help he can get, and stops in to the local drug store. He tells the clerk the problem, but the clerk points him to the usual stuff. The man, begs, saying none of that works, and that he's desperate. So the clerk says, "here, take one of these pills. But I can only give you one, and that's it. Any more, and it's too dangerous."
So the man goes home, takes the pill, and gives things a try. He comes back to the drugstore the next day, and asks for two pills this time. He says that it was the best night of his life, but begs for two pills so it will help even more. Eventually, the clerk gives in and gives the man two pills.
The man returns the next day, and begs for three pills. "No, no, absolutely not," the clerk says. "It's entirely too dangerous." But the man continues to beg, saying that he needs three pills and he will be satisfied for life. The clerk relunctantly gives in.
The next day, the clerk was surprised when the man did not stop in at the usual time asking for four pills. Instead, a small boy walks in.
"Are you the man who my dad was getting those pills from?" the boy asks.
"Yeah, I guess that's me, why?" asks the clerk.
"I'm calling the cops! Now give me something to make him stop acting crazy!" the boy demands.
The clerk, bewildered, asks what happened.
The boy, beginning to cry, says, "My mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my butt hurts, and my dad's running around the house yelling 'here kitty kitty!' "
So the man goes home, takes the pill, and gives things a try. He comes back to the drugstore the next day, and asks for two pills this time. He says that it was the best night of his life, but begs for two pills so it will help even more. Eventually, the clerk gives in and gives the man two pills.
The man returns the next day, and begs for three pills. "No, no, absolutely not," the clerk says. "It's entirely too dangerous." But the man continues to beg, saying that he needs three pills and he will be satisfied for life. The clerk relunctantly gives in.
The next day, the clerk was surprised when the man did not stop in at the usual time asking for four pills. Instead, a small boy walks in.
"Are you the man who my dad was getting those pills from?" the boy asks.
"Yeah, I guess that's me, why?" asks the clerk.
"I'm calling the cops! Now give me something to make him stop acting crazy!" the boy demands.
The clerk, bewildered, asks what happened.
The boy, beginning to cry, says, "My mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my butt hurts, and my dad's running around the house yelling 'here kitty kitty!' "
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Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; "It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer."
"Yeah," Satan replies. "All the more for me!"
God replies, "You better send them up here immediately."
Satan says, "No way. I'm keeping them."
God says, "Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you."
Satan laughs uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
"Yeah," Satan replies. "All the more for me!"
God replies, "You better send them up here immediately."
Satan says, "No way. I'm keeping them."
God says, "Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you."
Satan laughs uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Black Irish
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A man goes to his doctor, complaining that he has been constipated for a over week, and it's driving him nuts. He tells the doctor he's tried all the usual remedies and he's at the end of his rope. The doctor gives him a bottle of suppositories.
"Take one of these and it should do the trick. If nothing happens, take another one the next morning, but no more than that, they're very potent."
The man goes home and, thinking the suppositories are pills, pops one is his mouth. After an hour, nothing happens. Ignoring the doctor's warning he tries another, then another. The next day, the man calls his doctor.
"Listen doc, that stuff you gave me didn't do a thing for me. I took the whole bottle and nothing happened."
"The whole bottle?!" The doctor says. "That was a week's worth I gave you. What were you doing? Eating them?"
"No, Doc," the man shoots back "I was sticking them up my a**!"
"Take one of these and it should do the trick. If nothing happens, take another one the next morning, but no more than that, they're very potent."
The man goes home and, thinking the suppositories are pills, pops one is his mouth. After an hour, nothing happens. Ignoring the doctor's warning he tries another, then another. The next day, the man calls his doctor.
"Listen doc, that stuff you gave me didn't do a thing for me. I took the whole bottle and nothing happened."
"The whole bottle?!" The doctor says. "That was a week's worth I gave you. What were you doing? Eating them?"
"No, Doc," the man shoots back "I was sticking them up my a**!"
irishog77
NOT SINBAD's NEPHEW
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end thread
connor_in
Oh Yeeaah!!!
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Back in the 80's, there was a version that went
Why did the punk rocker cross the road? Because he was stapled to the chicken.
Sent from my Kindle Fire using Tapatalk 2
4irishnation
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]
BobD
Can't get no satisfaction
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A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner. The man says to his son, “Son, where were you today during school hours?” The son says, “At school.” The robot slaps the son. The son says, “Okay. I went to the movies.” The dad asks, “Which one?” The son answers, “Toy Story.” The robot slaps the son. The son says, “Okay. It was the one with a porn-star.” The dad says, “WHAT? When I was your age I didn’t even know what porn was!” The robot slaps the dad. The mom says, “HA! After all he’s your son.” The robot slaps the mom.
Bubba
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Just saw this on facebook and was about to post it! Beat me to it!! Damm you Bob!
BobD
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Sorry, I don't usually look at Facebook much, but I've been on it a lot lately checking for pictures or updates from friend's in Miami. That's when I saw that joke.
Black Irish
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Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It's a really obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.
A: It's a really obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.
BobD
Can't get no satisfaction
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After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into
the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Walmart."
I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Don't be friggin' stupid. Of course they aren't twins.
The oldest one's 9, and the other one' s 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam.. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart."
My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into
the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Walmart."
I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Don't be friggin' stupid. Of course they aren't twins.
The oldest one's 9, and the other one' s 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam.. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart."
My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
4irishnation
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I was in a pub last Saturday night, and drank a few,
and noticed two very large women by the bar.
They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked,
"Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"
One of them chirped saying,
"It's WALES, you friggin' idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said,
"I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"
That's pretty much the last thing that I remember...
and noticed two very large women by the bar.
They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked,
"Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"
One of them chirped saying,
"It's WALES, you friggin' idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said,
"I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"
That's pretty much the last thing that I remember...
Bishop2b5
SEC Exchange Student
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Two guys are sitting in a bar. "Where ya from?" asks the first.
"Jonesville" the second guy replies.
"Really? Me too! What neighborhood?"
"Eastside" says the second guy.
"No joke? That's where I grew up! What sorta work do you do?"
"I'm a carpenter, man!"
"Wow!" says the first guy. "I'm a carpenter too! Where do ya work?" asks the first guy.
"Well, nowhere right now. I just got outta prison an ain't found a job yet."
"Holy cow! What a coincidence! I just got outta the joint and ain't found a job neither. What were you in for?"
"Um, well, buggering my brother."
"No ****?! That's what I was in for!"
About that time another guy walks in and says to the bartender, "Hey Smitty! What's up?"
"Same old same old" says the bartender. "The Johnson twins are drunk again."
"Jonesville" the second guy replies.
"Really? Me too! What neighborhood?"
"Eastside" says the second guy.
"No joke? That's where I grew up! What sorta work do you do?"
"I'm a carpenter, man!"
"Wow!" says the first guy. "I'm a carpenter too! Where do ya work?" asks the first guy.
"Well, nowhere right now. I just got outta prison an ain't found a job yet."
"Holy cow! What a coincidence! I just got outta the joint and ain't found a job neither. What were you in for?"
"Um, well, buggering my brother."
"No ****?! That's what I was in for!"
About that time another guy walks in and says to the bartender, "Hey Smitty! What's up?"
"Same old same old" says the bartender. "The Johnson twins are drunk again."
B
Bogtrotter07
Guest
A very dour and serious acquaintance asked me, "Do you know what a squirrel and a cigarette have in common?"
I of course had no idea; he replied, "They are both harmless. Until you put them in your mouth and light them up!"
I of course had no idea; he replied, "They are both harmless. Until you put them in your mouth and light them up!"
BobD
Can't get no satisfaction
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One day, a twelve year old boy walks into a brothel, dragging a dead frog behind him. The Madam asks "Can I help you son?" to which he replies, "Yes I'd like a girl for the night."
She says "I'm afraid you are too young for one of my girls." So he gets out his wallet and gives her �200. To which she says "She'll be waiting for you up stairs."
The boy says "But she's got to have herpes."
The Madam replies "But all my girls are clean!" So out comes the wallet again and he gives her another �200. The Madam says "OK, she'll be ready for you in about 10 mins".
So he goes up the stairs dragging the dead frog. About 1/2 an hour later he comes down the stairs,with a big grin on his face, still dragging the dead frog. By now the Madam was just a touch curious so she asked him "Why did you come in here, dragging a dead frog and asking for a girl with herpes?".
"Well, it's like this", he says, "When I get home tonight I'll screw the baby-sitter and then she'll get herpes. Then when my parents get home dad will drive her home and on the way they'll stop and have sex, and he'll get herpes. Later when dad gets home mum and dad will make love and then she'll get herpes. And at about 9.30 tomorrow morning, when dad has gone to work, the milkman will come round, screw my mother and then he'll get herpes...
...AND HE'S THE BASTARD WHO KILLED MY FROG !!!
She says "I'm afraid you are too young for one of my girls." So he gets out his wallet and gives her �200. To which she says "She'll be waiting for you up stairs."
The boy says "But she's got to have herpes."
The Madam replies "But all my girls are clean!" So out comes the wallet again and he gives her another �200. The Madam says "OK, she'll be ready for you in about 10 mins".
So he goes up the stairs dragging the dead frog. About 1/2 an hour later he comes down the stairs,with a big grin on his face, still dragging the dead frog. By now the Madam was just a touch curious so she asked him "Why did you come in here, dragging a dead frog and asking for a girl with herpes?".
"Well, it's like this", he says, "When I get home tonight I'll screw the baby-sitter and then she'll get herpes. Then when my parents get home dad will drive her home and on the way they'll stop and have sex, and he'll get herpes. Later when dad gets home mum and dad will make love and then she'll get herpes. And at about 9.30 tomorrow morning, when dad has gone to work, the milkman will come round, screw my mother and then he'll get herpes...
...AND HE'S THE BASTARD WHO KILLED MY FROG !!!
Black Irish
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In old communist Russia, a Russian went to buy a car. Now buying a car in the USSR was a long process, and it could take years to actually get the car. After the guy fills out the paperwork, the clerk tells him that his car will be available to be picked up in 10 years.
Man: "Morning or afternoon?"
Clerk: "What difference does it make? It's 10 years from now."
Man: "The plumber is is coming that day, too."
Man: "Morning or afternoon?"
Clerk: "What difference does it make? It's 10 years from now."
Man: "The plumber is is coming that day, too."
FLDomer
Polish Hammer
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This is the Parable of the Fly and the Trout! (its a little long but a good one to tell around some buddies, while drinking)
There is a Fly, flying above a stream and 12 inches below that Fly is a trout. The trout says to himself "If that fly drops 6 inches I'm gonna jump up and eat that fly.."
Behind the trout is a bear and the bear says to himself, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the trout will jump and get that fly and I will get that trout!"
Behind the bear is a hunter on the shore and he says to himself, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the trout will jump and get that fly, the bear will get that trout and present a shot and I will shoot the bear!"
Behind the hunter is a mouse and he says to himself, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the trout will jump and get that fly, the bear will get that trout, the hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich and I'll grab the cheese!"
Behind the mouse is a bobcat and he says to himself, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the trout will jump and get that fly, the bear will get that trout, the hunter will shoot the bear, drop his cheese sandwich for the mouse and I'll will pounce on the mouse!!!"
Well the fly drops 6 inches, the trout gets they fly, the bear gets the trout, the hunter shoots the bear droping his cheese sandwich which the mouse snags and the bobcat leaps with all his might overshooting the mouse landing in the river!!
The moral of the story is....When the fly drops 6 inches the pussy gets wet!!! (Drop mic and exits stage!)
There is a Fly, flying above a stream and 12 inches below that Fly is a trout. The trout says to himself "If that fly drops 6 inches I'm gonna jump up and eat that fly.."
Behind the trout is a bear and the bear says to himself, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the trout will jump and get that fly and I will get that trout!"
Behind the bear is a hunter on the shore and he says to himself, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the trout will jump and get that fly, the bear will get that trout and present a shot and I will shoot the bear!"
Behind the hunter is a mouse and he says to himself, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the trout will jump and get that fly, the bear will get that trout, the hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich and I'll grab the cheese!"
Behind the mouse is a bobcat and he says to himself, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the trout will jump and get that fly, the bear will get that trout, the hunter will shoot the bear, drop his cheese sandwich for the mouse and I'll will pounce on the mouse!!!"
Well the fly drops 6 inches, the trout gets they fly, the bear gets the trout, the hunter shoots the bear droping his cheese sandwich which the mouse snags and the bobcat leaps with all his might overshooting the mouse landing in the river!!
The moral of the story is....When the fly drops 6 inches the pussy gets wet!!! (Drop mic and exits stage!)