Your post is a joke.

[BobD]

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding…
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop: Yes ma’am, I’m afraid you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don’t have one.
Traffic Cop: Don’t have one?
Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Traffic Cop: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please..
Older Woman: I can’t do that.
Traffic Cop: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Traffic Cop: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Traffic Cop: You what!?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The traffic cop is quite stunned.
Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license quizzically.
Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!
Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

 

[Ultimate Penn St. Hater]

That's a good one. Thanks for the laugh.

 

[BobD]

That's a good one. Thanks for the laugh.

Thanks, it's gonna be a long week and I could use a laugh. I hope others will share some of their funny jokes.

 

[Te'o4Heisman]

A man walks into a hillbilly bar, walks up to the bar and orders a glass of white wine.
The bartender looks at the man and says "You ain't from around here, is ya?".
The man responds "No sir, I'm from Canada. I'm a taxidermist".
The bartender, looking puzzled says "A taxiturnist?? What is that, do you drive a taxi or something??"
The man says "No sir, I mount animals"
The bartender grinning, reaches out to shake the man's hand, and calls out to all his patrons "Don't worry boys, he's one of us!!!"

 

[Mr. McGibblets]

So I say to Rick Astley, "Hey can I borrow some Disney movies?" To which he replies, "Okay. You can have The Lion King, Toy Story 3, and Wall-E. But I'm never gonna give you Up."

 

[BobD]

A man walks into a hillbilly bar, walks up to the bar and orders a glass of white wine.
The bartender looks at the man and says "You ain't from around here, is ya?".
The man responds "No sir, I'm from Canada. I'm a taxidermist".
The bartender, looking puzzled says "A taxiturnist?? What is that, do you drive a taxi or something??"
The man says "No sir, I mount animals"
The bartender grinning, reaches out to shake the man's hand, and calls out to all his patrons "Don't worry boys, he's one of us!!!"

LOL was it in Alabama? I'm probably not supposed to say that, but what the hay...they can delete it. :footballh

 

[yankeeND]

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender asks,"Why the long face?"

 

[50milesSE ND]

What do you get when you cross a hooker with a computer? A fu#$ing know it all.
How does BobD find sheep in tall grass? Satisfying
What do you call an ethiopian with buck teeth? Rake

 

[RallySonsOfND]

Women's Rights.

 

[NDFan4Life]

Dave Barry has another hilarious year-in-review article:

Dave Barry’s Year in Review - Dave Barry - MiamiHerald.com

Example: This year the “reality” show Jersey Shore, which for six hideous seasons has been a compelling argument in favor of a major earth-asteroid collision, finally got canceled, and we dared to wonder if maybe, just maybe, we, as a society, were becoming slightly less stupid.

But then, WHAP, we were slapped in our national face by the cold hard frozen mackerel of reality in the form of the hugely popular new “reality” show Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, which, in terms of intellectual content, makes Jersey Shore look like Hamlet.

 

[BobD]

Q: What's the National Bird?
A: The Bald Eagle
Q: What's the bird we eat on Thanksgiving?
A: The Turkey.
Q: What's the bird that talks and does tricks?
A The Parrot
Q: What's the bird that stands for peace and love all over the world?
A: The Dove
Q: What's the bird that stands for true love?
A: The Swallow

 

[Black Irish]

A police officer knocks on a man's door. When the man opens the door, the officer asks, "Sir, is your wife's name Amanda Smith?" The man says that it is. The officer asks "Sir, do you have a picture of your wife?" The man hands the officer a picture of his wife. The officer looks at the picture, shakes his head sadly, and hands the picture back. The officer says "Sir, it looks like your wife was in a bad car crash." The husband replies, "Yeah, but she's a great cook and has a terrific personality."

 

[Te'o4Heisman]

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender asks,"Why the long face?"

Heard that bartender asked the very same question to Sarah Jessica Parker.

 

[kmoose]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and a Irishman all walk into a pub, sit at the bar, and order a pint. The barkeep brings three pints and sets one in front of each of them. As soon as he does, three flies appear, buzz around, and one fly lands in each of the men's pints.

The Englishman, being prim and proper, spoons the fly out of his glass and drinks his pint.

The Scotsman just reaches down into the glass and picks the fly out with his fingers.

The Irishman reaches in and picks the fly up by it's wings, carefully removing it from the glass. He holds the fly daintily over the glass and screams, "SPIT IT OUT, YA FILTHY BEGGAR!!"

 

[Irish#1]

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding…
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop: Yes ma’am, I’m afraid you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don’t have one.
Traffic Cop: Don’t have one?
Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Traffic Cop: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please..
Older Woman: I can’t do that.
Traffic Cop: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Traffic Cop: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Traffic Cop: You what!?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The traffic cop is quite stunned.
Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license quizzically.
Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!
Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

Another example of age and wisdom trumping youth and exuberance ! Lol

 

[Irish#1]

Q: why did the turtle cross the road?
A: to get to the Shell station!

 

[Bubba]

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender asks,"Why the long face?"

Love this one.

My son knows this is one of my favorite jokes. When I retired from the military, we had a ceremony and I had to give a little speech at the closing of the ceremony. It was a pretty emotional event for me and I started to get a little choked up as I was talking and my son (about 6 years old at the time) yells "Hey Dad, why the long face?" Then his Mom made him run out to me, give me a hug, and save me from the moment.

Thanks for reminding me... it's nice to relive those special moments every once in a while!

 

[Bubba]

What does a nosey pepper do?

Gets jalapeño business...

 

[AdmiralBackhand]

The Woman Who Loved Beans

Once upon a time, there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on. So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, “Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight.” He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her and her husband a Happy Anniversary!

 

[IrishSteelhead]

One of my faves:

How do you stop a clown from smiling?
Hit him in the face with an axe.

 

[Opus]

A middle aged man purchases a band new top of the line, all the bells and whistles, corvette. He decides to take it out on the highway for a spin. He's cruising along doing 65-70 when he decides to see how fast it can go. He punches the gas and accelerates: 80,85,90,95. Suddenly he sees the tell-tale red and blue lights of the highway patrol in his rear view mirror. Without thinking he puts the pedal to the floor and takes off. After a 50 mile chase the man pulls over when it becomes obvious that he will not get away. The trooper approaches the car with his weapon drawn and yells at the man "Just what in the hell were you doing." The man replies "About 5 years ago my wife ran off with a highway patrolman. I was afraid you were trying to return her."

 

[Opus]

Seamus McShane stumbles into the bar one night. His head is covered in bandages, both his eyes are black/blue and almost swollen shut. His nose is pushed to one side. He has scrapes, cuts and bruises on his face, neck and arms. He struggles to the bar and orders a whiskey. The bartender says "Seamus what happened to you?" Seamus replies "Mike O'Malley had a go at me the other night". The bartender says "He must have had something in his hand to do so much damage". Seamus says "Yes he had a shovel". Bartender "Did you have anything in your hand to defend yourself?" Seamus "Yes I had Mrs. O'Malley, she's quite beautiful but pretty much useless in a fight."

 

[polishjuice4]

USC

 

[Black Irish]

A guy at a bar notices a pretty woman drinking alone so he goes over and offers to buy her a drink. She accepts and they commence to chatting. When she finishes the 1st drink, the man offers to buy her another and they commence to chatting away again. When she finishes that drink, the man says "how about we continue this wonderful night back at my place." The woman says "listen pal, I don't turn into a total slut after just 2 drinks." The guy replies "fair enough, how many drinks does it take?"

 

[GowerND11]

A man walks into a bar.... The next one ducks.

A man walks into a bar one night for a few drinks after work. While sitting at the bar sipping on his first beer he notices a horse in the back of the bar with a sign around its neck. "Make me laugh for free drinks." The man ponders over his beer, stands up, and takes the horse to the back room. A minute later he brings the horst back laughing hysterically. The bartender announces the man get free drinks all night.
Two nights later the same man enters the bar. Again in the back is the horse with a sign around its neck. "Make me cry for free drinks." The man stands up, walks back, and takes the horse to the back room. A minute later they come back with the horse crying uncontrollably.
The bartender is amazed and asks the man, "How do you do it? You made the horse laugh the other night, now you have it crying."
The man replies, "The first night I told him my d!ck was bigger than his, and today I showed him."

 

[Black Irish]

A guy in a bar notices a woman wearing skin tight jeans. He goes up to her and says, "Man, I'd really like to get into your pants." She replies, "No thanks, I've already got an a**hole in them."

 

[ND-North]

In a magical forest, there is a squirrel and bear who are roommates. They never get along and are constantly fighting. The squirrel was a clever one while the bear was slow and more concerned about getting laid than anything else. One night, the fairy next door had enough of their yelling and told them they could each have 3 wishes if they will shut up and let her sleep. The bear and squirrel agreed.
Fairy – Okay Mr. Bear, what is your first wish?
Bear – I wish all the girl bears in the forest were attracted to me!
Fairy – Done. Squirrel?
Squirrel – Let’s see…I’ve always wanted a motorcycle
Fairy – Okay…bear, your second wish?
Bear – I wish I had the stamina to pleasure every girl bear in the woods.
Fairy – Fine, squirrel?
Squirrel – Well, if I have a motorcycle I’m gonna need a helmet
Fairy – Bear, what’s your final wish?
Bear – I wish you would remove all the competition and make me the only boy bear in the forest.
Fairy – okay, what your last wish squirrel?
Squirrel – Hmmm, let’s see…I wish the bear was gay

New to the website. Looking forward to discussing ND football and other things of lesser importance with you guys!!

 

[condoms SUCk]

In a magical forest, there is a squirrel and bear who are roommates. They never get along and are constantly fighting. The squirrel was a clever one while the bear was slow and more concerned about getting laid than anything else. One night, the fairy next door had enough of their yelling and told them they could each have 3 wishes if they will shut up and let her sleep. The bear and squirrel agreed.
Fairy – Okay Mr. Bear, what is your first wish?
Bear – I wish all the girl bears in the forest were attracted to me!
Fairy – Done. Squirrel?
Squirrel – Let’s see…I’ve always wanted a motorcycle
Fairy – Okay…bear, your second wish?
Bear – I wish I had the stamina to pleasure every girl bear in the woods.
Fairy – Fine, squirrel?
Squirrel – Well, if I have a motorcycle I’m gonna need a helmet
Fairy – Bear, what’s your final wish?
Bear – I wish you would remove all the competition and make me the only boy bear in the forest.
Fairy – okay, what your last wish squirrel?
Squirrel – Hmmm, let’s see…I wish the bear was gay

New to the website. Looking forward to discussing ND football and other things of lesser importance with you guys!!

^ nice, I liked that one. Welcome to the site.

 

[Irish#1]

The Husband Store

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Manchester, just off Main Street, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:Floor 1 - These men have jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs,
Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework...
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

 

[IrishSteelhead]

Lady : Do you smoke ?

Man : Yes

Lady : How many packs a day ?

Man : 3 packs

Lady : How much per pack

Man : $10.00

Lady : And how long have you been smoking ?

Man : 15 years

Lady : So 1 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be$10,800 correct ?

Man : Correct

Lady : If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct ?

Man : Correct

Lady : Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari ?

Man : Do you smoke ?

Lady : No

Man : Where's your fuc-ing Ferrari then ?