So I work nights at a hospital in the medical lab and tonight we received one of the craziest things I've seen yet... a dildo. But not just any dildo. No, this was a pink 10 incher removed from the a$$ of a 46 year old man. It had to be surgically removed because it had gone in so deep that had he removed it his rectum may have become prolapsed. How do you explain that to your wife? :what:
Scene: Basement of a small, two story home in the suburb of an unnamed mid-American city.
Players: Husband (46 y/o, self-analing fetishist. Enjoys long walks on the beach, coffee, and the Denver Bronco's White Messiah.
Wife (40 y/o. Perky, but stand-offish. A terrible early-life event invoving a bus of nuns shunning her for opening a pack of Sprees has forever made her into a sexually repressed housewife. Loves Magic: The Gathering, Stan Lee, and the Denver Bronco's White Messiah.
Husband: Oh godohgodohgodohgodohgod.
Wife: Oh dearest husband, wherever are you?
Husband: (
Paniced, he waddles behind a small, yet modern cut couch, squatting slightly so only his torso is visable.) Yes?
Wife: Oh husband. Today was ever so rough. After "Stations of the Cross Bingo" and a near brawl over the best book of the Old Testiment, Ruth FTW!, I've come home to you!
Husband: (Wincing) Yeah... that's great... well... goodnight.
Wife: But husband! It's the ninth Tuesday of the new lunar cycle with the stars of Orion's Belt alligned exactally where they need to be! You know what that means!
Husband: Uhh....
Wife: It means you get a half-hearted two minute handy that turns into you not ever behing able to finish! I'm really in the mood for it this time! Quickly, to the bedroom where I can pull all the shades and turn out the lights.
Husband: Yeah, I'm thinking a raincheck. I'm okay with two months from now...
Wife: But you never pass up Handy Nite! Something must be ever-so wrong!
Husband: (Attempting to stand, but cannot get fully erect. Te he. Play direction joke. Erect. I slay me.) It's gonna have to wait. I'm fine.
Wife: But Husband! (Crosses the room, looks behind couch, sees 3 inches of the pink buzzing stick of hell sticking out of her husband's rear). WHAT THE F**K IS THIS HUSBAND?
Husband: I CAN EXPLAIN!
Wife: (Absentedmindly pickes up knife sitting on the table for no reason. Thoughts of Lorena Bobbet dancing in her head). Oh... I'm ever so sure you can.
Husband: First, I want to say that you look fantastic tonight and--
WIFE: EXPLAIN WHY YOU HAVE A BUZZING FAKE PINK **** HANGING OUT OF YOU THIS INSTANT!
Husband: (Apologizes, lowers head, goes into 'wife won this fight just like every other no matter if I'm right or not mode.) Okay... see... I was just walking down the road, minding my own business right... when... ah... this... this car kinda like that Red Bull car that goes to colleges and passes out free Red Bull with the can on top passed me by. But instead of Red Bull, they were handing out these giant pink dildos! Yeah, and see... I was all like "NOOOOOOOOOO I don't need that! That is Satan's fake jelly penis! Be off with you!" But the lady didn't take no for an answer and she pulled out a gun... yeahthatiswhathappenedsheistotallybuyingthis... and said "TAKE IT WITH YOU OR I'M GONNA CAP YOU!" so I took it. Well, uh... I didn't want to be seen with it but I couldn't just throw it away so I came home to dispose of it... so when I took it out of it's package and left it on the counter, the dogs must have somehow hit it in such a way that they got the back of the dildo off and put in two D-Cell batteries. Well, I just so happened to get getting out of the shower at that exact moment when I slipped on the bathmat. The dogs, I love our dogs, don't you sweetie?, put that dildo RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BATHROOM FLOOR and I fell onto it... thank god they put some vasoline on it... and it somehow clicked on and it's been like that for like... an hour and a half. Swear to God. It happened just like that.
Wife: (Long, long silence).
Husband: (Realizes he's screwed).
Wife: In this marriage, I just realized that I'm the one.... (Puts on a pair of avaitor sunglasses) getting shafted (The Who Scream playes).
BLACKOUT
SCENE
So, all my IE friends, THAT IS WHY I HAVN'T BEEN POSTING LATELY.
