'Doctor Who's How The Dalek Stole Who'smas': An EW holiday mash-up | PopWatch | EW.com
Doctor Who’s How The Dalek Stole Who’smas
Every Who fan in Whoville liked Who’s-mas a lot Except for perhaps a certain murderous robot With spruces and gooses and red-and-green jelly And a brand-new hour of Doctor Who on the telly They drink till they’re punchy and they eat till they barf Put up lights as colorful as Tom Baker’s scarf And toast to good cheer with a bottle of Malbec While up in the mountains stewed the crotchety Dalek
You see, the sight of such fun made the Dalek irate Shake his stalk at the sky and shout “EXTERMINATE!” No bright Who quite knew what made him hate it Or why he’d want to exterminate it Could be he was lonely, or had something to hide Or that he was programmed for genocide You can probably rule out that his heart was too small It’s more likely because he had no heart at all
But as Reverend Who gave his Wholiday homily There was yet another cardiacal anomaly With double the hearts, and double the beatings And double the love for this Season’s Greetings The greatest holiday savior since Betty Crocker Look, in the bowtie, why yes it’s the Doctor!
You think you know hard? You don’t know what hard is Till you’ve tried your hand decorating a TARDIS So many wreaths hung, tinsel strung, ribbons tied To jazz up a police box that’s bigger inside But the extra room really helps you to win big If you’re planning on throwing a grand Who’smas shindig! And that’s just what he did, and to all Whos in sight He handed a copy of this Who’smas invite:
“I’ve got egg nog and pie and board games in case I’m, Stuck for a while somewhere out in space-time. So many features, it’d take my lifetime to list ’em But the party’ll go great with the bitchin’ sound system I’ve got a ton of sweet tunes, whatever era I’m in And all instruments, not just theremin. We’re gonna rock it all night, so plan to stay late We’ll party so hard I’ll have to regenerate But please, just remember, it’s BYOB Psych! Come on, I’m the Doctor, the drinks are on me.”
You have to admit it, this bash sounded great Hardly something you’d want to exterminate But the Dalek, you see, he didn’t agree For how he hated this man from Gallifrey Shame and decorum, no he hadn’t had any The last Time Lord? That’s one Time Lord too many!
How overly precious all that he says is Timey-wimey, bananas, fish custard and fezzes We get it already, you’re a goofy court jester That abducts his companions like a child molester A Who’smas party would be the perfect occasion For a full-scale, take-no-prisoners Dalek invasion (The Dalek denies his true motivation Was that he’d received no invitation.)
The party was popping, with everyone showing A Who’s Who of Whos who were all well worth knowing And by the light of the control console softly glowing Shakespeare was shaking and Vincent Van Goghing The sound system was pumping, with the bass down low As the Doctor played Twister with the Face of Boe
When suddenly, out of nowhere, someone crashed the gate And over the music was heard “EXTERMINATE!” The Dalek rolled in and shot down the tree “That’s rude,” thought the Doctor. “He didn’t RSVP” Then the Dalek started zapping his deadly death ray Leaving Whos looking like what’s in an ashtray Everyone began screaming, it all got quite loud Until little Cindy-Lou Who stepped out from the crowd.
“Excuse me, Mr. Dalek,” she said, sweeter than sugar “Will you please stop for a moment your massacre? I just wanted to say, Merry Who’smas to you And that I love you whatever you do, I got you a present, it isn’t a lot.” She said, holding a box for the killer robot The Dalek paused, moved by the gift that she brought And disintegrated her right there on the spot.
“Alright,” said the Doctor. “That’s enough, allons-y.” “It’s time I put an end to this automaton’s spree.” And quicker than lightning, he drew from his pocket Something he pointed at the creature’s eye socket “Oops, sorry, one moment, that’s a candy cane I shouldn’t have had that last glass of champagne, Especially not after that big gin and tonic—Ah ha! Here it is, my screwdriver that’s sonic! Nothing in this world can get you right back in a Good mood like a little deus ex machina.”
He turned on the device and the whole room was humming Something started changing in that Dalek’s plumbing You see, all that was needed was a simple switch flipped In order to change that robot’s whole script The crowd stood there silent, wond’ring their fate Would the Dalek still want to exterminate? And after what seemed an unbearable wait The Dalek spoke up, “LET’S CELEBRATE!”
And what do you know, he stuck to his word Drinking until his voice software was slurred He partied with them until about four Then went back in time and partied some more Till all of them ended passed out on the floor. As a Ood in the corner started to snore, The Doctor, he thought, “My, this soirée was clever… I venture to say, ‘twas the best Who’smas ever.”
