Coaching

[NDohio]

Alright so question for the group (and basically why I started the thread)...

How do you guys manage the parents? Especially the helicopter ones, or ones who want their kid to emphasize something other than the sport? I'm talking HS level, so more serious than a rec league but obviously not scholarship players or anything like that.

Set clear boundaries/polices, have them in writing, distribute them to each parent and discuss them in at a manditory meeting prior to the beginning of the season with all of the parents and players present.

Or bring in the two dudes in the latest video from the Post Game Miami thread.

I became a head soccer coach at the high school I went to at the age of 19. I did it for five years before taking a break for a while. I took the break because of parents. Now, my situation was a little different because of my age and two of the parents I was dealing with had coached me at one time or another, but I learned a lot from the experience. When I got back into coaching I was much more prepared for that part of it.

Bluto is absolutely correct. You have to set clear boundaries from the very beginning. In writing. To go along with that you must follow through the first time it happens. Nothing shuts down obnoxious parenting quicker than sitting one of the better players for some length of time because their parents step outside of the boundaries you have set. Be very clear and concise with your boundaries.

Good luck. Coaching is one of the most rewarding and frustrating things you will ever do.

 

[Cackalacky]

One more thing to add... anecdotal ....my brother -in-law coaches a girl's softball team (travel) and he takes ZERO shit from anybody including the girls.

It is highly competitive and he is a good coach but he won't hesitate to bench a girl no matter who and he won't hesitate to tell a parent why he benched them. He also will tell a parent to let him coach or take their girl somewhere else. He says he has little time with the girls (team) as it is and dealing with parents makes it much less so so he won't tolerate it.

Bluntly, show up , support your kid and the team or don't bother coming otherwise. The majority of the parents respect that attitude it seems. Those that dont do not last long. This is like the first things hes says every year.

 

[dublinirish]

High School Varsity (Div2) Coach Girls and Boys Soccer here

 

[dublinirish]

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[GowerND11]

Alright so question for the group (and basically why I started the thread)...

How do you guys manage the parents? Especially the helicopter ones, or ones who want their kid to emphasize something other than the sport? I'm talking HS level, so more serious than a rec league but obviously not scholarship players or anything like that.

I've coached JV and Varsity baseball and football for two years as an assistant. I'm currently in my 6th years as a basketball coach. All for the same school. This will be my first year as the freshman team coach, as I was the Jr. High coach the previous 5.

I've been pretty lucky that parents are pretty supportive of my coaching and how we handle the kids. Not having any type of relationship with the players (no neighbors, family members, etc.) I think plays a part in them knowing I'm playing no favorites and all.

As a teacher, I emphasize to my players that their education is most important. Sports can be used as a tool to earn that education, but as a small rural school district, we aren't sending kids D1. Most got DII or DIII, if they continue a playing career.

We have a really good group of seven 8th graders right now playing basketball. They are talented, and are generally good kids. Last year in 7th grade they played up on the 8th grade team. This year, they will be playing up on the freshman team (Freshman class is weak, only has 3 good players). Some of the 8th grade parents have expressed some concern for their kids playing freshman ball, but I know their kids can handle it. I've told them, I wouldn't be doing this if they couldn't compete. The kids are buying in too. When this class is playing Varsity, I expect them to win a couple District Titles.

To your other post about putting their commitment to the sport below other things: I've noticed this happening since I first started. I do think my players learn pretty quickly though that if they aren't at practice, they aren't playing. Some commitments for kids this day and age, though, I can't fault them for. I've already had kids, on numerous occasions, bring younger siblings to practice, otherwise they wouldn't be able to play. They, the kid I'm coaching, have to watch their siblings everyday after school. The siblings will sit on the bleachers, do homework, watch, dribble a ball in the corner, etc.

CCD in our town also happens on Thursday nights. We joke with the kids that, "God loves basketball" so they should skip CCD. In reality, we tell them if CCD is at 6, and we have practice at 4:30, you can come here first then go. If practice and CCD are at the same time, yes go to CCD. We do ask them to sacrifice CCD for games though.

 

[Senoj13]

I have coached several youth sports teams over the years and my only recommendation would be to be as objective as possible if you have a child on the team. Some parents are very delusional about the athletic abilities of their child and it makes it easier to deal with them when u can show you are treating your own child just like anyone else on the team.

 

[dublinirish]

it is hard to be objective in high school sports coaching though. without the help of the parents (some of whom are just trojan workers) the programs im involved with would fall apart. it's hard to turn around to them and say their kid just isn't good enough when the parents have donated hours of their free time organizing meals, uniforms, banquets, etc for the program. As long as the kid is respectful and has good character I will give them minutes as best I can without impacting the greater benefit of the team.

 

[ACamp1900]

My dad was a very successful softball coach for decades... he actually became our high school's softball coach right out of high school and met my mom that way, he was her softball coach when he was 19-20 and she was a Junior or some such (talk about a scandal nowadays). Anyway, his love for it slowly eroded over 30 plus years and he quit about three years prior to his death. It wasn't the kids,, the school, his age, anything like that... it was the parents, that constant struggle over decades finally just wore him out.

If I'm honest it's the main reason I don't coach anymore either. I was asked to help coach my daughter's soccer team this year, that was a big 'hell no' from me.

 

[phgreek]

Alright so question for the group (and basically why I started the thread)...

How do you guys manage the parents? Especially the helicopter ones, or ones who want their kid to emphasize something other than the sport? I'm talking HS level, so more serious than a rec league but obviously not scholarship players or anything like that.

You are talking about two different situations that have the same impact. One you can solve quickly...one takes time.

For kids who have parents who just don't care...you can easily win that with your time and involvement...show them the time, and they'll work for ya. Go pick em up, take em home...whatever you need to do.

The "This is dumb...or a distraction" parents...
In all honesty, the thing that transcends that issue to some degree is Your Program. ie tradition. If you are starting out...well I'm sure you know Programs are built on Trust, and Accountability...from those comes pressure to perform from peers, that is the well that floweth into a stream that becomes tradition...its not a short road.

Good Luck.

 

[CoachB]

I have been anywhere from youth to varsity for both football and wrestling. I have coached varsity for the last 10 years. I have always had a lot of success being very clear what the expectations are in writing and going over them at the parent meeting prior to the season starting. I also attempt to have a lot of communication with the parents so they are on my side early. In the form of a Facebook group or group texts. It is extremely important to be a man of your word. If you say there will be consequences for certain things you must have immediate follow through. As long as you communicate and are fair, there isn't ever much complaint. Parents haven't been a problem for years for me. Knock on wood. I wish you luck. Coaching young athletes is a great responsibility and offer much joy. Last thing to say, never make an exception for a good athlete. Athletes come and go over the years, but the character of your program is what remains.

If not prioritizing your sport is a problem, I would recommend creating an atmosphere people want to be a part of. When I took over our wrestling program we had four kids. This season we have close to 50. Create an atmosphere of family, fun, and integrity that they would want to prioritize.

 

[phork]

I coach football and baseball at the youth level and am also the president of the football league.

 

[OchoShayneO]

Paid, so I have a boss and am technically a public school employee. This is not my full time job, this is something I agreed to take on because I was asked and because I thought it might be fun. And I definitely do enjoy it.

Anyways, I've heard horror stories of people demanding someone be fired for everything from cursing to pushing kids too hard in conditioning to "playing favorites" to you name it. So with the start of the season around the corner I thought this would be a good time to ask because I'm brand new to this.

But honestly, the biggest issue I'm getting a vibe of at my school is actually kids/parents wanting to put commitment to the team all the way down the priority list. I don't know if this is a millennial thing or what... or what everyone else here has experienced in their coaching roles. But I was shown email chains from last year when an attendance policy was put in that are cringeworthy.

Coaching Priorities is a challenge. During the recruiting process my typical pitch is that you have to have a social life but that can never come in the range of 1. Family 2. School 3. Lacrosse. A social life is important but when the social life gets in range of any of those top 3 priorities something suffers, usually your sport suffers first.

 

[IrishLax]

Coaching Priorities is a challenge. During the recruiting process my typical pitch is that you have to have a social life but that can never come in the range of 1. Family 2. School 3. Lacrosse. A social life is important but when the social life gets in range of any of those top 3 priorities something suffers, usually your sport suffers first.

Yeah, what sucks in this case is that I'm coaching at a magnet school so the kids there (in many cases) are conditioned by their parents to put academics > everything. That includes sleep, social life, and (obviously) lacrosse. We have one kid on the team that is probably a borderline DI talent and then maybe two kids that are borderline low-end DIII talents *if* they develop.

So we run into shit where parents are telling their kids to skip practice to study or do homework or whatever and then turning around and complaining about "unfair" attendance policies. One of our best players is about to be gone because he asked to be able to skip two practices a week until the middle of the season to focus on something not-lacrosse and we said "no" rather than play favorites.

This is a completely different culture than when I was there. Granted, in my era we had multiple DI players including two DI All-Americans and a host of other talented players that wanted to be there because we could legitimately compete for district/regional/state championships. I have no idea how we are supposed to build the right culture without first having talent + commitment... but maybe I'm looking at things the wrong way.

 

[Hammer Of The Gods]

Strength Coach

High School Football and Wrestling

 

[OchoShayneO]

Two ways to approach this in my mind. One is accept that the ceiling for success on any sports program comes from the top down and the mission of the school. Not sure how aware you are of D3 lacrosse but Salisbury and RIT have a much different mission than say Haverford or Swarthmore. Success at Salisbury is National Championship, Success at Swarthmore is everyone graduates and has a great experience. Maybe you catch lightning in a bottle with a great senior class one year and make the tournament. If academics is so far out in front of sports then maybe having a good experience, making friends, traveling, and graduating is the goals of the program. It's frustrating for you at first as a coach but eventually you find your victories in other areas.

If you want to force the issue then there has to be a give somewhere with the schedule. Maybe the kids need to give up their weekends instead of relaxing and study so they can get ahead on Monday and come to practice? Maybe they take classes in the summer as well. Problem here is Mommy and Daddy would have to sacrifice their summers and weekends as well and that typically doesn't go over either.

I feel your pain brother. We could all be successful if the parents would just get out of the way.

 

[phgreek]

Yeah, what sucks in this case is that I'm coaching at a magnet school so the kids there (in many cases) are conditioned by their parents to put academics > everything. That includes sleep, social life, and (obviously) lacrosse. We have one kid on the team that is probably a borderline DI talent and then maybe two kids that are borderline low-end DIII talents *if* they develop.

So we run into shit where parents are telling their kids to skip practice to study or do homework or whatever and then turning around and complaining about "unfair" attendance policies. One of our best players is about to be gone because he asked to be able to skip two practices a week until the middle of the season to focus on something not-lacrosse and we said "no" rather than play favorites.

This is a completely different culture than when I was there. Granted, in my era we had multiple DI players including two DI All-Americans and a host of other talented players that wanted to be there because we could legitimately compete for district/regional/state championships. I have no idea how we are supposed to build the right culture without first having talent + commitment... but maybe I'm looking at things the wrong way.

It would take a novel to tell you step by step what to do...how long do you plan on doing this job? Because program building takes involvement with kids from the time they are 10. You want them to dream of the day they take the field under your staff.

In my limited viewing of this issue...here is what I'd do.

3 parts future:

1) engagement in community leagues and clinics by all staff members...IN SCHOOL COLORS.
2) Media...even if your team sucks you can get high quality highlights to send to your puppies in training, and you can do voice over intros of the players with theater fog and lighting...and post. let the tykes fight over who their favorite player is...because by doing this you are building a vision in their heads of wearing YOUR colors, and playing for you. And when you see them, ask them if they are "xyz mascot material".
3) which brings me to involving drama and film/theater types from the school...get them to do the video work, get them the video editing tools, and show them how to use it...and teach some of them how to cover a game...If you are Savvy, you can even get it set up so some of these kids are your students and get a grade...don't be afraid to go after radio, and teach kids to understand the game and cover it...again maybe for a grade...even if all they do is post the voice over the video on line after...still awesome. Still makes your program the place to be.

You likely have all these tools, and passion at your disposal...use 'em.

5 parts present:

1) Trust...do what you say, say what you do
2) Set skills competencies, and measure them periodically. There must be rewards and consequences. You must take time from practice to measure. The key is to measure objectively and cheer for success...love your kids and deliver consequences with humor, but do not budge.
3) Brand...in the limited time you have, and their limited commitment (currently) what can you absolutely get them to do better than any coaching staff ...What area will you be the Bill Walsh to Joe Montana's footwork in ?????

- In your case I would take the low hanging fruit...every team who is conditioned better than others can employ a strategy to win...on any given day. Add in that one Bill Walsh thing you do, and you can win...quite a bit. BTW conditioning doesn't have to be boring, but you do need to find a way to far exceed that of your competitors if your are at a talent disadvantage.

1 part past:
Bring in successful Alum. Don't have to have a stellar DI story to tell...just need to be able to reinforce the "special" in being on this squad, and what it has done for them, and what these kids' success means to the school, community and them...that they still channel immense pride from these boys.

Dude these are considerations for building a program...if you just want to be successful by living in a different set of values...go to another school. To me, this one sounds awesome, and dying for someone to be a force...they just don't know it yet.

Don't be afraid to do what you need to do (within the rules) to be successful...

Good Luck..

 

[GowerND11]

Hey Lax, how's the coaching going for you now? Are kids buying into the program and the attendance policy you have enacted? Hopefully things are improving for you guys on the coaching side with parents.

For anyone that cares, my freshman basketball team is sitting at 8-1, losing by 4 in the only defeat. We were down 20 to start the 4th, great comeback. We play mostly larger enrollment schools compared to ours. We are a AA (out of 6) school, and play almost 3/4s of our games against AAAA and higher. My players are super athletic and wear teams down throughout the game. Tough man defense, push the break, etc. Great team to watch.

 

[IrishLax]

Hey Lax, how's the coaching going for you now? Are kids buying into the program and the attendance policy you have enacted? Hopefully things are improving for you guys on the coaching side with parents.

One of our best players just quit because he wanted to do winter drumline (which overlaps slightly with our season) and we told him he couldn't miss practices from drumline. So the buy in isn't going great lol...

For anyone that cares, my freshman basketball team is sitting at 8-1, losing by 4 in the only defeat. We were down 20 to start the 4th, great comeback. We play mostly larger enrollment schools compared to ours. We are a AA (out of 6) school, and play almost 3/4s of our games against AAAA and higher. My players are super athletic and wear teams down throughout the game. Tough man defense, push the break, etc. Great team to watch.

That's awesome, how much more of your season is left?

 

[GowerND11]

One of our best players just quit because he wanted to do winter drumline (which overlaps slightly with our season) and we told him he couldn't miss practices from drumline. So the buy in isn't going great lol...



That's awesome, how much more of your season is left?

We had a kid leave when I told him he couldn't miss practices for Drama Club rehearsals. The Drama Club in the school has blown up in recent years and has become the cool thing to do. They put on phenomenal performances too, but they rehearse for a good 6 months before the play. We've tried talking with the director and other club supervisors about trying to be mindful of in season sports schedules, heck I did drama in high school so I understand the need to get the show right. However, they do not want to be flexible.

We are halfway done the season. I expect us to finish with maybe another loss to the big 5A team we play in two weeks. However, they are beatable. It helps we have an 8th grader that is 6'3". Both of his older brothers are 6'6", and his dad is 6'9". He hits 3 pointers too, which really throws teams off.

 

[GowerND11]

We finished the season last week. Went 15-2. Lost to the same team in both losses. My 6'3 8th grader dunked against our rivals on a fast break. Pretty incredible to be able to watch a kid dunk in a freshmen basketball game. Last game of the season, our 6'1 freshman just missed a dunk as well. Really a fun team to watch.

Our two losses, to the same team were by a combined 9 points. They are 4A, we are 2A. We beat the 5A team by two points that I was worried about. In all we won six games against 4A schools and one against a 5A school. Beat all 2A and A teams by at least 15 points each timel. Can't say how excited our varsity coaches are about the influx of talent they will be getting next year.

 

[EvilleIrish]

I coach high school baseball. 3 years as a varsity assistant and about to start my 6th as the head reserve coach.

 

[ACamp1900]

My wife is insisting on coaching our youngest daughter's t-ball team... I tried warning her like 50 times and she's still all systems go... I should create a blog to document this disaster.

 

[GowerND11]

My wife is insisting on coaching our youngest daughter's t-ball team... I tried warning her like 50 times and she's still all systems go... I should create a blog to document this disaster.

T-ball... Really grinds my gears of late. My little cousin is 6, going to be 7 in June. Last year she played t-softball in a neighboring town. They had 2 teams, so ~20 girls. Each girl is required to have her own helmet AND bat. I can sorta kinda see the desire for kids to have their own helmet these days (still... wussy parents worrying while they shared helmets as kids... whatever). However, having to shell out money for a MFing t-ball bat is just insane on so many levels.

 

[ACamp1900]

T-ball... Really grinds my gears of late. My little cousin is 6, going to be 7 in June. Last year she played t-softball in a neighboring town. They had 2 teams, so ~20 girls. Each girl is required to have her own helmet AND bat. I can sorta kinda see the desire for kids to have their own helmet these days (still... wussy parents worrying while they shared helmets as kids... whatever). However, having to shell out money for a MFing t-ball bat is just insane on so many levels.

Yeah that's lame... even the helmet at that age really... the league should be able to supply the different sizes. My daughter has her own gear cross the board but that's just us. OUr league also has like 8 all girl t ball teams too so it's much bigger.

My thing is my wife has never coached, and only played ball at a very young age. She kind of knows the game through marrying a huge baseball nerd but she doesn't know how to coach and she's in for a rude awakening with these psycho parents who think it's the Little League World Series already. If we are blessed with a laid back group who understand it's more about socialization, having fun and just learning the base skills of the game at this age then she'll be fine... that's prob less than a 50/50 in my experience though.

 

[GowerND11]

Yeah that's lame... even the helmet at that age really... the league should be able to supply the different sizes. My daughter has her own gear cross the board but that's just us. OUr league also has like 8 all girl t ball teams too so it's much bigger.

My thing is my wife has never coached, and only played ball at a very young age. She kind of knows the game through marrying a huge baseball nerd but she doesn't know how to coach and she's in for a rude awakening with these psycho parents who think it's the Little League World Series already. If we are blessed with a laid back group who understand it's more about socialization, having fun and just learning the base skills of the game at this age then she'll be fine... that's prob less than a 50/50 in my experience though.

Yeah, if parents want to purchase stuff, go ahead. But a league can afford 2-4 bats for the teams to use. Kids that age are not hitting the ball nearly hard enough to deaden the bats. They could be used for years. Heck, even if the bats do go, kids that age won't even know.

You're right about rude awakenings with parents, especially in baseball it seems. The parents of kids who are naturally more talented, coordinated, etc. at that age are insufferable.

 

[ACamp1900]

Yeah, if parents want to purchase stuff, go ahead. But a league can afford 2-4 bats for the teams to use. Kids that age are not hitting the ball nearly hard enough to deaden the bats. They could be used for years. Heck, even if the bats do go, kids that age won't even know.

You're right about rude awakenings with parents, especially in baseball it seems. The parents of kids who are naturally more talented, coordinated, etc. at that age are insufferable.

My lil one just got done with soccer... all the fanatical parents just ended up taking their kids and going home (no, really all the hard cores just quit once they saw a league for 3,4,5 year old kids was not in fact the World Cup) which created a pretty good dynamic for the second half of the season on our team, just have fun. There was one team though who had this lil dude who was SO FAR beyond the other kids (seriously he was like five and had the coordination of roughly a twelve year old, he could do freakin bicycle kicks as a five year old I mean wtf?!)... never seen anything like it. When we played this team his teammates never touched the ball, our team never touched the ball, and he scored with ease every single possession... it was crazy. That's fine, he's just a kid and it's not serious but the coach was his dad and here was the issue. The league is basically instructional and all kids are supposed to rotate with or without domination... This dad never moved his son, just everyone else, this lil dude stayed up front all game... After the first half and a score of literally 20plus-0 just take that kid out and let other kids play, or at least move him back like you're supposed to... It was the only time I've been pissed as a parent. I could have fought that dad.

Last game of the season I see his team playing the field opposite ours and their they are, lighting up another team and by halftime the other teams parents are ready to charge the field.

 

[GowerND11]

My lil one just got done with soccer... all the fanatical parents just ended up taking their kids and going home (no, really all the hard cores just quit once they saw a league for 3,4,5 year old kids was not in fact the World Cup) which created a pretty good dynamic for the second half of the season on our team, just have fun. There was one team though who had this lil dude who was SO FAR beyond the other kids (seriously he was like five and had the coordination of roughly a twelve year old, he could do freakin bicycle kicks as a five year old I mean wtf?!)... never seen anything like it. When we played this team his teammates never touched the ball, our team never touched the ball, and he scored with ease every single possession... it was crazy. That's fine, he's just a kid and it's not serious but the coach was his dad and here was the issue. The league is basically instructional and all kids are supposed to rotate with or without domination... This dad never moved his son, just everyone else, this lil dude stayed up front all game... After the first half and a score of literally 20plus-0 just take that kid out and let other kids play, or at least move him back like you're supposed to... It was the only time I've been pissed as a parent. I could have fought that dad.

Last game of the season I see his team playing the field opposite ours and their they are, lighting up another team and by halftime the other teams parents are ready to charge the field.

That type of parent is the worst. They usually end up raising their kid to be just as big of a jackass...

This reminds me of something that happened in our last game of the season. We were up 24-0 at the end of the 1st quarter (that's right a shutout through 1 quarter in basketball). I took my foot off the gas the rest of the way, and with 4 minutes left in the game, we were still up 22 points and had my 3rd string in! Some of those kids can't dribble right, they just frankly aren't good, but they deserved time in the last game of the season...

Jackass coach from the other team puts his STARTERS back in the game now with 3 minutes left. We won by 11, but really just a bush league move. You couldn't get past half court when my guys ran a half court trap, didn't score against my first team (and 3 backups that get in regularly), and NOW want to put your starters in to abuse my kids who don't see time? I almost threw my starters back in and pressed.

 

[IrishLax]

That type of parent is the worst. They usually end up raising their kid to be just as big of a jackass...

This reminds me of something that happened in our last game of the season. We were up 24-0 at the end of the 1st quarter (that's right a shutout through 1 quarter in basketball). I took my foot off the gas the rest of the way, and with 4 minutes left in the game, we were still up 22 points and had my 3rd string in! Some of those kids can't dribble right, they just frankly aren't good, but they deserved time in the last game of the season...

Jackass coach from the other team puts his STARTERS back in the game now with 3 minutes left. We won by 11, but really just a bush league move. You couldn't get past half court when my guys ran a half court trap, didn't score against my first team (and 3 backups that get in regularly), and NOW want to put your starters in to abuse my kids who don't see time? I almost threw my starters back in and pressed.

lol I would've done it...

It's funny, because my team is going to be on the opposite end of that a lot this season. You need to lose with class as much as you win with class. Last year we had a parent heckle an opposing player for scoring a goal and celebrating when they were already up by a ton... he was a defender, and a reserve, and it was quite obviously the only goal he was going to ever score in his career. Rather than let this kid have his moment, one of our parents literally started heckling him about "class" (oh, the irony) and it started a ruckus in the stands. Parents are simply the worst sometimes. How hard is it to recognize that the competitive portion of the game is over and let him have his moment?

 

[GowerND11]

lol I would've done it...

It's funny, because my team is going to be on the opposite end of that a lot this season. You need to lose with class as much as you win with class. Last year we had a parent heckle an opposing player for scoring a goal and celebrating when they were already up by a ton... he was a defender, and a reserve, and it was quite obviously the only goal he was going to ever score in his career. Rather than let this kid have his moment, one of our parents literally started heckling him about "class" (oh, the irony) and it started a ruckus in the stands. Parents are simply the worst sometimes. How hard is it to recognize that the competitive portion of the game is over and let him have his moment?

Absolutely. When we were up big in another game, a kid for us hit a 3 pointer. If it was someone who plays regularly, yeah I could see people getting upset. However, it was clearly an end of the bench player. What was great was my starters and key reserves going crazy on the bench for him. Great team moment. Plus it was clear to anyone within the building that this kid wasn't doing something malicious, just trying to get his one basket.

 

[ACamp1900]

lol I would've done it...

Depending on the age level I would have too... but if they are lil ones and it's not even competitive yet then why bother??