Joke Thread
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irishnd31
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Two cannibals capture a missionary. They tie him up and flip a coin to see who would start eating what parts and who would get to eat first. The one cannibal wins and decides to start at the feet and eat his way up. The other cannibal agrees and decides to start eating from the head and work his way down.
After 15 minutes of eating, the cannibal starting at the top looks down and asks, " Hey, how's it going down there?"
The cannibal looks up and says excitedly, "I'm having a ball."
The cannibal up top angrily replies, "Hey slow down, you're eating too fast!!"
After 15 minutes of eating, the cannibal starting at the top looks down and asks, " Hey, how's it going down there?"
The cannibal looks up and says excitedly, "I'm having a ball."
The cannibal up top angrily replies, "Hey slow down, you're eating too fast!!"
bigedefense
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A young man and woman were married and like most of us, were struggling when they married. They lived in a small one bedroom apartment and could barely afford to keep the lights on and food on the table. One day, the wife finds that she is pregnant. They are extremely happy, but worried because of their financial situation. They made their bedroom the nursery and they slept in the living room. After Little Johnny was born, the wife was afraid to have sex again because she might get pregnant. This was very hard (in more ways than one) for the husband. Sex was the only entertainment they could afford and now it was gone. For five years she held out on Big Johnny. One night after Little Johnny was in his bed asleep, Big Johnny felt very frisky and put his best moves on his wife. She gave in and told Big Jonny to go and get a condom out of the bathroom. He peeked in and saw Little Johnny fast asleep and snuck in the bathroom, grabbed the condom, and barely abel to hold is excitement, put it on. As he was sneeking back to the living room to get some LONG awaited entertainment, Little Johnny flipped on the hall light and said, "WHAT CHA DOIN DADDY?" "I errr, errr, am looking for a mouse!" Little Johnny said, "WHAT CHA GONNA DO? FUCK IT?"
PatsandBostonfan1975
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Brady !!!!!!!!!!!!
Brady !!!!!!!!!!!!
Tony Romo, Peyton Manning and Tom Brady travel to heaven. The plan is to watch MNF with God. So they get up there and God asks Romo, "What do You believe in?" Romo answers, " Well I believe in Family, Trying hard and my Cowboys." God Says to him, "Ok sit here on my left." He turns to Peyton and says, " What do you believe in?" Peyton answers, " Well, family and trying my best every sunday and working hard." God says to him, "Good, sit here on my right." He then asks Tom Brady, "What do you believe in?" Brady Looks at God and says, "I believe you are in my seat."
Brady !!!!!!!!!!!!
Tony Romo, Peyton Manning and Tom Brady travel to heaven. The plan is to watch MNF with God. So they get up there and God asks Romo, "What do You believe in?" Romo answers, " Well I believe in Family, Trying hard and my Cowboys." God Says to him, "Ok sit here on my left." He turns to Peyton and says, " What do you believe in?" Peyton answers, " Well, family and trying my best every sunday and working hard." God says to him, "Good, sit here on my right." He then asks Tom Brady, "What do you believe in?" Brady Looks at God and says, "I believe you are in my seat."
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HereComeTheIrish
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PatsandBostonfan1975
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Hate Michigan
Hate Michigan
Q: You're stranded on a deserted island with three people: a cannibal, a mass murderer, and a guy in a Michigan hat. You have gun with only two bullets remaining. Who do you shoot?
A: The Michigan fan. Twice.
Hate Michigan
Q: You're stranded on a deserted island with three people: a cannibal, a mass murderer, and a guy in a Michigan hat. You have gun with only two bullets remaining. Who do you shoot?
A: The Michigan fan. Twice.
JKhrome1ND
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Typical Beaner Joke....
not digging the word beaner or the way you used it
JKhrome1ND
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that is just GOLD !
JKhrome1ND
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"Man and a woman had been dating for about a year and their relationship was taking a turn towards getting serious. Man proposed and she accepted, however she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest was just like a babys. He said that he loved her and that her measurements didn't matter to him. He also told her that his penis was also like a baby. She said that she loved him and size didn't matter. Come the day of the wedding and all went well. That night the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at the resort hotel. The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie. Her husband was in the bed waiting. As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like a baby. "Don't worry honey" he said. She took her night gown off and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen. He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his penis being like a baby. As he took his pants off the new bride said, "Good God All Mighty. I thought you said your penis was like a baby" "It is," he said, "9 pounds and 21 inches, long!"
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HereComeTheIrish
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Does Bean Town work better for you??? No disrepect was intended.
JKhrome1ND
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hahaha nice .............. i got to tell my friend that one, (he's a michigan fan)
PatsandBostonfan1975
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i can't stand Michigan
i can't stand Michigan
Q. What does the average Michigan player get on his/her SAT?
A. Drool.
Q. Why did they change the playing field at "The Big House" to cardboard?
A. Because Michigan has always looked better on paper.
Q. What's the difference between the Michigan football team and Frosted Flakes?
A. Frosted Flakes know what to do in a bowl
Q. Why do University of Michigan graduates keep their diplomas on their dashboard?
A. So that they can park in handicaped spaces.
Q. How do you get a Michigan graduate to stop knocking on your door and get off your porch?
A. Pay for the pizza.
i can't stand Michigan
Q. What does the average Michigan player get on his/her SAT?
A. Drool.
Q. Why did they change the playing field at "The Big House" to cardboard?
A. Because Michigan has always looked better on paper.
Q. What's the difference between the Michigan football team and Frosted Flakes?
A. Frosted Flakes know what to do in a bowl
Q. Why do University of Michigan graduates keep their diplomas on their dashboard?
A. So that they can park in handicaped spaces.
Q. How do you get a Michigan graduate to stop knocking on your door and get off your porch?
A. Pay for the pizza.
PatsandBostonfan1975
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Funny because there true.
Funny because there true.
Have you heard the news? Rich Rodriguez is only going to dress 22 players for the game
against Notre Dame. The rest of the players have to dress themselves.
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a
Michigan joke?" The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that
joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs., and I am a Michigan
alumnus. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2 tall, weighs 225, and he's a
Michigan alumnus. The fella next to him is 6'5 tall, weighs 250, and he's a
Michigan alumnus. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?" The first guy says,
"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it 3 times."
Directions to Michigan........ North till you smell crap, then West till
you step in it.
A Michigan fan was sitting at a table reading the Newspaper, The
headline read: "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." He shook his head at the
sad news, then turned to the man sitting next to him and asked, "How
many is a Brazilian?"
a young man gets a new job at a supermarket, and is met by the owner and handed a broom. "your first job is going to be to sweep the store." the young man replies proudly, "But i'm a graduate of the University of Michigan..." the owner says, "ooh i'm sorry, i didn't realize that. here, give me the broom, i'll show you how."
Funny because there true.
Have you heard the news? Rich Rodriguez is only going to dress 22 players for the game
against Notre Dame. The rest of the players have to dress themselves.
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a
Michigan joke?" The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that
joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs., and I am a Michigan
alumnus. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2 tall, weighs 225, and he's a
Michigan alumnus. The fella next to him is 6'5 tall, weighs 250, and he's a
Michigan alumnus. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?" The first guy says,
"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it 3 times."
Directions to Michigan........ North till you smell crap, then West till
you step in it.
A Michigan fan was sitting at a table reading the Newspaper, The
headline read: "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." He shook his head at the
sad news, then turned to the man sitting next to him and asked, "How
many is a Brazilian?"
a young man gets a new job at a supermarket, and is met by the owner and handed a broom. "your first job is going to be to sweep the store." the young man replies proudly, "But i'm a graduate of the University of Michigan..." the owner says, "ooh i'm sorry, i didn't realize that. here, give me the broom, i'll show you how."
PatsandBostonfan1975
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Michigan smells !
Michigan smells !
Q: What's the difference between the unibomber and Charles Woodson?
A: The unibomber actually got his degree from Michigan!
Q: How many University of Michigan freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.
Q: What did the Michigan graduate say to the Notre Dame graduate?
A: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order, please?"
What do you get when you have a basement full of Michigan fans?
A: A Whine Cellar.
Did you hear that the University of Michigan library burned to the ground? All five books in the library were completely destroyed ... the football team is really upset by the fire; they hadn't colored in two of the books yet!
Michigan smells !
Q: What's the difference between the unibomber and Charles Woodson?
A: The unibomber actually got his degree from Michigan!
Q: How many University of Michigan freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.
Q: What did the Michigan graduate say to the Notre Dame graduate?
A: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order, please?"
What do you get when you have a basement full of Michigan fans?
A: A Whine Cellar.
Did you hear that the University of Michigan library burned to the ground? All five books in the library were completely destroyed ... the football team is really upset by the fire; they hadn't colored in two of the books yet!
Irish Insanity
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was gonna start one myself, but I see there is already one in arcives. so since its the off-season. lets hear the jokes. what do ya got?
Riddickulous
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Lane Kiffin.
*applause*
*applause*
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NankerPhelge
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OK, here goes.
This guy goes down to his neighborhood bar one afternoon to have a few beers and watch the Cubs game. He's sitting there enjoying himself, drinking beer and eating peanuts and watching the game. Unnoticed by him, these two siamese twin sisters come in and sit down at a table back in a dark corner of the bar. After awhile, the sisters move up to bar and have a seat next to him. One of the sisters, the talkitive one, says "hey, would you like to buy us a drink?" This guy, being a good sport, says "sure" and they get to drinking and talking together. This goes on for quite awhile, and they're all having a good time. Suddenly, the one siamese twin sister says to the guy "Hey, have you ever made it with siamese twins before?" This guy is quite taken aback, and he stutters and stammers around, and finally manages to talk her into just having another drink and talking some more. A little while later, she insists "c'mon, you look like a fun guy, let's go back to our place and party." The guy, still reluctant, has had enough to drink, and thinking to himself "what the hell, I was born to have adventure," agrees. So they leave the bar and head over to the sisters' place. Once they get there, he is getting to feel apprehensive again, so they sit around and have a few nightcaps. Finally, the one sister says "c'mon, let's go into the bedroom." He's had enough to drink by now, and figures "what have I got to lose?" Once they get in the bedroom, they all start stripping down, when the first siamese twin, who has initiated all this says "Look, I don't want you to be shocked or surprised or anything, so I have to warn you that when I am making love, I have a tendency to pass a lot of gas." The guy is like "you've got to be kidding me" but thinks "well, in for a dime, in for a dollar, let's go for it." As the siamese twins get on the bed, the first one says "oh, there is one other thing, while I am being made love to, my sister likes to play the tuba." This guy is totally freaked by now, but there is no turning back. He gets in bed, and they go at it all night long. He's banging one sister, and she's farting like crazy "phtt, phtt, phtt." In the meantime, the other sister is lustily playing the tuba, "oom pah pah, oom pah pah, oom pah pah, oom pah pah." This goes on all night. About daylight, he drags himself out of bed and staggers home to sleep off this drunken escapade
A couple weeks later, he decides to go back down to the bar to have a few beers and watch the baseball game. Unbeknownst to him, the two siamese twin sisters are sitting in the same dark corner. One sister notices the guy, and says to her sister "Hey, isn't that the guy we picked up and took home a couple weeks ago?
The other sister takes a long look at the guy and says, "Yeah, I think it is. Do you think he'll remember us?" (Cue rimshot and Johnny Carson theme song.)
This guy goes down to his neighborhood bar one afternoon to have a few beers and watch the Cubs game. He's sitting there enjoying himself, drinking beer and eating peanuts and watching the game. Unnoticed by him, these two siamese twin sisters come in and sit down at a table back in a dark corner of the bar. After awhile, the sisters move up to bar and have a seat next to him. One of the sisters, the talkitive one, says "hey, would you like to buy us a drink?" This guy, being a good sport, says "sure" and they get to drinking and talking together. This goes on for quite awhile, and they're all having a good time. Suddenly, the one siamese twin sister says to the guy "Hey, have you ever made it with siamese twins before?" This guy is quite taken aback, and he stutters and stammers around, and finally manages to talk her into just having another drink and talking some more. A little while later, she insists "c'mon, you look like a fun guy, let's go back to our place and party." The guy, still reluctant, has had enough to drink, and thinking to himself "what the hell, I was born to have adventure," agrees. So they leave the bar and head over to the sisters' place. Once they get there, he is getting to feel apprehensive again, so they sit around and have a few nightcaps. Finally, the one sister says "c'mon, let's go into the bedroom." He's had enough to drink by now, and figures "what have I got to lose?" Once they get in the bedroom, they all start stripping down, when the first siamese twin, who has initiated all this says "Look, I don't want you to be shocked or surprised or anything, so I have to warn you that when I am making love, I have a tendency to pass a lot of gas." The guy is like "you've got to be kidding me" but thinks "well, in for a dime, in for a dollar, let's go for it." As the siamese twins get on the bed, the first one says "oh, there is one other thing, while I am being made love to, my sister likes to play the tuba." This guy is totally freaked by now, but there is no turning back. He gets in bed, and they go at it all night long. He's banging one sister, and she's farting like crazy "phtt, phtt, phtt." In the meantime, the other sister is lustily playing the tuba, "oom pah pah, oom pah pah, oom pah pah, oom pah pah." This goes on all night. About daylight, he drags himself out of bed and staggers home to sleep off this drunken escapade
A couple weeks later, he decides to go back down to the bar to have a few beers and watch the baseball game. Unbeknownst to him, the two siamese twin sisters are sitting in the same dark corner. One sister notices the guy, and says to her sister "Hey, isn't that the guy we picked up and took home a couple weeks ago?
The other sister takes a long look at the guy and says, "Yeah, I think it is. Do you think he'll remember us?" (Cue rimshot and Johnny Carson theme song.)
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dshans
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#1: (Short & easy to remember) What's better than roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ.
#2: Ole and Lena, a good, hard working (and shy) Minnesota farming couple; had a short-hand term to use when either was in the mood for a little "barnyard activity." It was "Vashing Machine." One night, after a good day in the fields, Ole turned to Lena and longingly cooed "Vashing machine?" Lena, tired from a long day of milking cows, cleaning house and doing laundry said "Not tonight, Ole, I'm tired." Lena then thought about how hard Ole worked to provide a house and home, rolled over and whispered in his ear "Vashing Machine?" Ole responded "Tanks, Lena, but it was a small load so I did it by hand."
#2: Ole and Lena, a good, hard working (and shy) Minnesota farming couple; had a short-hand term to use when either was in the mood for a little "barnyard activity." It was "Vashing Machine." One night, after a good day in the fields, Ole turned to Lena and longingly cooed "Vashing machine?" Lena, tired from a long day of milking cows, cleaning house and doing laundry said "Not tonight, Ole, I'm tired." Lena then thought about how hard Ole worked to provide a house and home, rolled over and whispered in his ear "Vashing Machine?" Ole responded "Tanks, Lena, but it was a small load so I did it by hand."
A Pac
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On a related, yet funny note: How do blind people know when they're done wiping? Seriously.
NeuteredDoomer
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I still like a joke I read on this site a while back:
A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop...
A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop...
NankerPhelge
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This very well-dressed and classicly handsome man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders an expensive drink. Shortly after the bartender puts it down in front of him, this little guy about a foot tall jumps out of the guy's overcoat pocket and runs up and down the bar, kicking the other customers' drinks over, spilling their ashtrays, and kicking things off the bar onto the floor, before running and jumping back in the guy's pocket. The other customers are, understandably, none too happy about this, and the bartender comes over and says "Hey, I don't know what the hell is going on here, but that kind of stuff doesn't go in here." The well-dressed, good-looking guy apologizes profusely, sets everybody in the place up with whatever they want to drink, and also tells the bartender that he will buy a meal for anybody in the place that is hungry. Everybody is now happy, and they forgive the incident. Just as all the customers are beginning to enjoy their drinks and meals, this little foot-high guy jumps out of the handsome guy's pocket again and repeats his shenanigans--throwing drinks on people, spitting in their food, poking people in the eyes, and all sorts of other crude behavior. Then he runs back and jumps back in the pocket. This time, the bartender is enraged and tells well-dressed guy that he is going to have to leave. The guy pleads with the bartender and promises that not only will he pay for all the damages, he will buy unlimited drinks and food for everybody in the place for the rest of the night, and will leave a 50% tip on everything to boot. The bartender, somewhat assuaged, agrees to let the guy stay, but wants to know what the heck this is all about. The handsome guy explains:
Well, I'm sure you've heard about people finding genies in bottles. Well, it really happened to me, and I was granted three wishes. First, I wished that I would always have all the money I needed, and as you can see, I do, and I can buy anything I want. Then, I wished that I could be one of the best looking men alive, and as you can see, I'm pretty good looking, and I never have a problem picking up women. Then, so I could satisfy all these women I would be picking up, I wished I could have a twelve-inch prick. . .
Well, I'm sure you've heard about people finding genies in bottles. Well, it really happened to me, and I was granted three wishes. First, I wished that I would always have all the money I needed, and as you can see, I do, and I can buy anything I want. Then, I wished that I could be one of the best looking men alive, and as you can see, I'm pretty good looking, and I never have a problem picking up women. Then, so I could satisfy all these women I would be picking up, I wished I could have a twelve-inch prick. . .
NeuteredDoomer
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Remember guys. Always be protected. Always use a condom. A friend of mine was not wearing a condom and he got hit by a car.
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NeuteredDoomer
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I'm protected. I'm wearing a condom, and have a one hour appointment with Monsignor tomorrow for confession.
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rikkitikki08
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HAHAHAHAH! Greatest joke ever
rikkitikki08
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What can a dollar give you that bob sanders cant? 4 quarters