U of M jokes!

[Irish_74]

here are some great Michigan jokes that i've found. hope you guys like them...

Q: Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco chase?
A: The University of Michigan campus. That's the last place you would look for a Heisman Trophy winner.

Q: Why do University of Michigan fans graduates place their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q: How many University of Michigan football players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but he gets 3 credits.

Two University of Michigan fans were walking down the street when they came upon a dog lying on the sidewalk licking and cleaning his groin like dogs do. The first University of Michigan fan says to the second, "Boy, I wish I could do that." The second University of Michigan fan replies, "Yeah, me too. But I wouldn't try it." The first University of Michigan fan asks, "Why not?" The second University of Michigan fan replies, "Because I'm afraid the dog might bite me."

Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Michigan campus?
A: A visitor.

Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of Michigan library?
A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

Q: Did you hear about the fire in University of Michigan's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?
A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.

Q: What did the average University of Michigan student get on his SAT?
A: Drool.

Q: What's long and hard on a Michigan fan?
A: First Grade

Q: How do you get to Ann Arbor from South Bend?
A: Go north until you smell it, then turn right until you step in it.

Q: What is the only sign of intelligent life in Michigan?
A: The freeway sign that says "South Bend,74 Miles".

Q: How many pallbearers would be needed for a Wolverines funeral?
A: Two,a garbage can only has two handles.

Q: What do you get when you breed a pig with a Michigan fan?
A: Nothing,some things even a pig will not do.

Q: What do you call a Michagan Cheerleader with two brain cells?
Aregnant

 

[gallup21]

whats the difference between Michigans Stadium and a porcupine? a porcupine has 100,000 pricks on the outside (this might not be a good one, but a friends told me this one so i thought id just share it, it also might not be a real nice one in choice of wording)

 

[Irish Envy]

whats the difference between Michigans Stadium and a porcupine? a porcupine has 100,000 pricks on the outside (this might not be a good one, but a friends told me this one so i thought id just share it, it also might not be a real nice one in choice of wording)

LMAO. Never heard that one but I'll be sure to use it!

 

[Irish Envy]

"Bud Light presents Real Men of Genius"

(Reaaaaal Men Of Genius)

Today we salute you, Mr. Delusional Michigan Fan

(Mr. Delusional Michigan Faaaaaan!)

Season after season, year after year, you try to justify your absurdly high preseason ranking

(clutching at straws!)

Season after season, year after year, you scramble to make futile attempts at damage control when the Wolverines lose to a grossly inferior opponent

(How'd Northwestern score fifty fouuuuuur?)

Inevitably, you'll bring up the past, and boast of National Championships won 40 years before you were born

(those were the daaaaaays!)

You will point out that you have more wins than any other program as though that is relevant to the current season

(been playing since the 1870s!)

Go on, ignore that home loss to your arch rivals in the regular season finale and continue to believe that you'll defeat your bowl opponent with striking ease

(we'll win by thirteeeeeeey!)

So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, oh Emperor of Excuses, and take comfort knowing that when you don't finish in the top 25, you'll be back to number three when the preseason polls come out next year

 

[peteinsouthbend]

Svo, is that a real one or one that someone just made up? That is absolutely hilarious.

 

[maison bleu]

Q: Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco chase?
A: The University of Michigan campus. That's the last place you would look for a Heisman Trophy winner.

All these jokes are lame, and they've been floating around the internet since Al Gore invented it...

But the first one makes no sense at all...

Michigan Heisman winners: Charles Woodson, 1997, Desmond Howard 1991

Last ND Heisman: Tim Brown, 1987.

So this one would work better as a ND joke...

 

[Irish Envy]

All these jokes are lame, and they've been floating around the internet since Al Gore invented it...

But the first one makes no sense at all...

Michigan Heisman winners: Charles Woodson, 1997, Desmond Howard 1991

Last ND Heisman: Tim Brown, 1987.

So this one would work better as a ND joke...

For those most part, as with anything on the Net, you can mold it to anything. These could all be used for any program in the country, including ND.

 

[jiggafini19]

Charles Woodson, 1997

It was at this point, at the age of 19, that I finally grasped the fact that the Heisman Trophy is 100% complete bullshit.

Pretty much every year since then, I could really care less who wins. It is a prom king vote and nothing more. Woodson and Reggie Bush proved that.

 

[maison bleu]

It is a prom king vote and nothing more. Woodson and Reggie Bush proved that.

I agree that the Heisman doesn't mean much. But I disagree here in one respect. In 1997, the "Prom King" Heisman candidate was Peyton Manning. (If you turn your ear towards Knoxville and listen real hard, you can still hear Tennessee fans bitching about the fact that he didn't win.) That Woodson, primarily a defensive player, won actually enhances the award's cred, such as it is, rather that decreases it.

 

[jiggafini19]

That Woodson, primarily a defensive player, won actually enhances the award's cred, such as it is, rather that decreases it.

If Charles Woodson won a Heisman, Chris Gamble should have gotten one too, hands down.

They started playing him on offense and he played special teams as well.

There was a major media hoopla pushing Woodson for the award, especially since UM was rolling to an unbeaten season that year. There was a "Slash" kind of hype rolling around Woodson that season.

Plenty of media pockets looked for someone other than Manning to pump for the Heisman and they found their guy in Woodson. Thus, the prom king effect. Manning didn't beat Florida, which cost him in the eyes of many. So did being a player in the SEC, which for some reason turns off the Heisman voters traditionally. And the list of people who agree Manning should have won aren't chopped liver. Bob Griese himself voted for Manning rather than Woodson, a teammate of his own son. Must be a QB thing.

Here's how it is crap:

Midwest vote: 1. Woodson 2. Manning
South vote: 1. Manning 2. Woodson
West vote: 1. Woodson 2. Leaf 3. Manning

And Reggie Bush should thank ESPN for running his Fresno State game highlights every 5minutes. That performance won it for him when in reality he was a specialty back and special teams player with flashy highlight reels. He wasn't even the most valuable RB on his own team. LenDale White anyone?

Vince Young proved who the best player in America was at the Rose Bowl. When it was fourth down and the game was on the line, Young was on the field for his team. Bush was not.

Personally, part of me hopes Quinn doesn't win the Heisman. But if he is contending, that means ND is too, and for something much more meaningful. I'm sure Ty Detmer will beat out Quinn anyway.

 

[irishnd31]

For those most part, as with anything on the Net, you can mold it to anything. These could all be used for any program in the country, including ND.

Svo, that was great. Still laughing.

 

[maison bleu]

If Charles Woodson won a Heisman, Chris Gamble should have gotten one too, hands down.

No arguments here. I'd say at least a couple of times a decade, the best individual player in football is a defender. They should win more often.

"Plenty of media pockets looked for someone other than Manning to pump for the Heisman and they found their guy in Woodson. Thus, the prom king effect. Manning didn't beat Florida, which cost him in the eyes of many. So did being a player in the SEC, which for some reason turns off the Heisman voters traditionally."

At the beginning of the 1997 season, Peyton Manning was the 4-year starting QB, All-American son of an NFL legend. Charles Woodson was an excellent but anonymous (outside the midwest) DB. Peyton was the prince of college football. While some voters may have suffered from "Peyton fatigue," he's the Prom King.

 

[BGIF]

For those most part, as with anything on the Net, you can mold it to anything. These could all be used for any program in the country, including ND.

For the most part true. I've heard most of those as Alabama, Auburn, MSU, or Texas A&M jokes. Many of them do "work" elsewhere. But I have to agree with Maison the Heisman joke doesn't make it for two reasons. UM's got a couple of trophies and they're more recent than ours. Glass houses and such. Maison was quite tactful in noting that.

I also agree with Maison on Woodson as a defender. The QBs have the Davey O'Brien and Johnny Unitas Awards, the Heisman shouldn't be awarded their domain.

And if we're going to smack down Specialty Players shouldn't Tim Brown have to return his trophy as well? Tim didn't even have good receiving numbers by award standards much less great. He had 34 catches for 456 yards. His 19.7 yds per catch was notable. His 0 (that's zero) receiving TDs raised more than a few eyebrows (and complaints). His 3 rushes per game or 4.2 yds per rush didn't win any notice either. His kick returns did.

What was extraordinary about Brown's receiving numbers is that he achieved them in a Lou Holtz ball control Option offense with Tony Rice as the QB. The option offense allowed double and triple coverage on Brown. His talent was obvious even to a casual observer. Let's be candid, passing wasn't Tony's forte nor Lou's. Andrysiak who started the first couple of games before an injury led to Rice taking over was a better passer than Rice. But he wouldn't get a mention in conversations about ND's passing QBs.

With an OLine including Andy Heck, Tom Rehder, and Chuck Lanza in front of Rice, Anthony Johnson, Braxston Banks, Mark Green, Tony Brooks, and Ricky Watters, Holtz never gave a though to passing in the Red Zone. Down by the Goal Line it was Full House Backfield Time.

 

[jiggafini19]

And if we're going to smack down Specialty Players shouldn't Tim Brown have to return his trophy as well?

Plenty of people think he should have to. These haters we speak of, you'd better believe I hear them on this one all of the time. The vote wasn't even close, though.

Prior to about 20 years ago, wasn't it mostly running backs that were winning this thing? QBs seem to be the way recently.

How about Orlando Pace or Bryant McKinnie? Any defender with 20+ sacks should be considered. They have all of these O'Brien and Earl Campbell and Mackey Awards...what is the point of the Hypeman anymore?

Desmond Howard, 23 TD in 11 games...kinda hard to argue with that.

I'll take the guy with the Sears Trophy in the end.

 

[BGIF]

what is the point of the Hypeman anymore?

The irony is the voters can't agree what the point is.

MVP? Best Player? Best Player on a winning team (other than Hornung)? Most hyped player whose bad game wasn't shown on national TV or at least early in the season? Player who can get votes from Red AND Blue states?

The other awards are less nebulus.

 

[WalshND]

The University of michigan recently announced that ice will no longer be served in beverages during MU games. Apparently the senior who knew the recipe graduated last year.

A reporter once asked Nebraska coach Tom Osborne the significance behind his players red jerseys. Tom replied that there were many reasons, but that the main reason was that when a player was injured and bleeding the red would conceal it, and thus not give their opponents a boost in morale.
The University of Michigan quickly followed by issuing all their players yellow pants.

 

[maison bleu]

ann arbor is a whore.

Spoken like a man who's used to paying for it.

And get it right, Waterboy: the official name is The People's Republic of Ann Arbor

 

[tommy]

championsips is what its all about quinn will take one championship over 5 heismans any day im sure

 

[punishment]

A reporter once asked Nebraska coach Tom Osborne the significance behind his players red jerseys. Tom replied that there were many reasons, but that the main reason was that when a player was injured and bleeding the red would conceal it, and thus not give their opponents a boost in morale.
The University of Michigan quickly followed by issuing all their players yellow pants.

This one is really funny.

 

[WalshND]

 

[Irish Fuzzy]

This one is a classic! hahaha!
Bringing the topic back!
GOOOO IRISH! Beat Meatchicken
Fuzzy

 

[johnnd05]

How do you get a U of M grad off your porch?

























Pay for the pizza.

Ka-ching! (That's actually originally an SC joke, but hey ...)

 

[The Polish Irishman]

Here is a list of them:

Michigan Jokes

But my favorite:

What is the difference between a bag of crap and a Michigan Fan?






The bag

 

[KamaraPolice]

All these jokes are lame, and they've been floating around the internet since Al Gore invented it...
But the first one makes no sense at all...

Michigan Heisman winners: Charles Woodson, 1997, Desmond Howard 1991

Last ND Heisman: Tim Brown, 1987.

So this one would work better as a ND joke...

Leave it to a michigan man to not fully comprehend the internet and al gore's actual involvement in its creation. maybe you're thinking since the days of the graphical user interface web browser created at the university of illinois? michigan was so close, just a hop skip and a throw away from something so big.

here, a quick google search of mosaic and i found you some info:
Mosaic (web browser) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

p.s. the internet is not the web.

 

[goirish#1]

How many batteries do it take to run a Michigan football team?
1 AA.

 

[ACamp1900]

lol, I remember this one, still funny too

 

[goldandblue]

View attachment 530

 

[johnnd05]

From Subway Domer:

Columbus, OH (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Franklin County courtroom drama yesterday when hechallenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the University of Michigan Wolverines,whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

 

[KamaraPolice]

From Subway Domer:

lol





:countdown

:djparty: :djparty: :djparty: :djparty:

 

[goldandblue]

We have now found out who the next coach of Michigan will be.