I love good quotes!
- Thread starter BobD
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BobD
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Lesson 1: Naked Wife
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…
“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 3
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
Lesson 5: Power of Charisma
A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
2. Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend
3. And when you’re in deep ****, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!
Unknown
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…
“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 3
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
Lesson 5: Power of Charisma
A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
2. Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend
3. And when you’re in deep ****, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!
Unknown
B
Bogtrotter07
Guest
"I want to know why Jokes are now posted in the quotes thread, or was it just a long night last night?"
Bogtrotter
Bogtrotter
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Maybe BobD is quoting himself, so it still counts.
B
Bogtrotter07
Guest
At one-thirty, his words weren't even slurred, nawwwhhhh!
BobD
Can't get no satisfaction
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There are some people who might consider your mission tonight questionable, maybe even illegal, but as long as you don't get caught everything'll be fine and if you do get caught well then you shouldn't be part of this unit.
- My old Army 1SG
Sergeant If you and your team for any reason happen to lose that highly sensitive piece of equipment, don't even bother to come back.
- Creepy S2 officer
- My old Army 1SG
Sergeant If you and your team for any reason happen to lose that highly sensitive piece of equipment, don't even bother to come back.
- Creepy S2 officer
BobD
Can't get no satisfaction
- Messages
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Yeah, yeah I should have posted it in the joke thread. Oh well, it's too late now.
B
Bogtrotter07
Guest
No, that is fine. I love a look inside the mind of an IE genius!
Black Irish
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Black Irish
Wise Guy
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Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.
C. S. Lewis
C. S. Lewis
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I'm sure the BBQ is better there (Texas, I mean).
no.1IrishFan
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This one applies to all IE members.
"Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom". Viktor E Frankl
"Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom". Viktor E Frankl
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Clear frontrunner for "Catchphrase of the Year" at the 2013 Envies.
RuntheBall
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"I heard someone say recently, 'No ****, no roses.' I thought that was interesting because, you know, you've got to fertilize them in something. I think we're all being fertilized with our own **** and we can choose to grow into ****ing amazing people from it." -- Glen Hansard
It's like a 2 for 1 quote. Or a quote inside a quote. Quote Inception.
It's like a 2 for 1 quote. Or a quote inside a quote. Quote Inception.
RuntheBall
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FIFY. The alliteration is key.
Just kidding of course dshans... love ya (no homo)
Please don't fine me 75k though.
Black Irish
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Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
Mark Twain
Mark Twain
dshans
They call me The Dribbler
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Wait! What? I have the authority to capriciously assess fines? Nobody told me ...
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Bogtrotter07
Guest
"Only exceptionally rational men can afford to be absurd."
Allan Goldfein
"The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time."
George Bernard Shaw
"Anything too stupid to be said is sung."
Voltaire
Allan Goldfein
"The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time."
George Bernard Shaw
"Anything too stupid to be said is sung."
Voltaire
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Bogtrotter07
Guest
The average man is a conformist, accepting miseries and disasters with the stoicism of a cow standing in the rain.
- Colin Wilson
- Colin Wilson
Black Irish
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"I didn't attend his funeral but I wrote a letter saying I approved of it."
Mark Twain
Mark Twain
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