The Onion

NDFan4Life

NDFan4Life

Forum Regular
Messages
1,967
Reaction score
254
I like this one:

Penn State Players All Worried They're Going To Be The One Who Accidentally Kills Joe Paterno | The Onion Sports Network

STATE COLLEGE, PA—Hospitalized after a receiver crashed into him on the field last Sunday, Joe Paterno’s return to practice Wednesday came as a vast relief to Penn State players, all of whom live in constant fear of being the one who inevitably kills the 84-year-old head coach.

“Every day we go to the field worried about which one of us will accidentally bump into Coach, cause his entire body to fall apart, and kill him,” senior defensive end Jack Crawford said. “There’s no doubt we are going to be the ones responsible for his death. That’s inevitable. It’s just a question of who and when."

“At this point, it’s part of the Happy Valley tradition," Crawford added. "No names on the jerseys, ringing the victory bell, and being very, very careful not to be the reason Coach Paterno dies."
Click to expand...
 
ShakeDown

ShakeDown

MexiCAN
Messages
1,129
Reaction score
164
It’s not just playing football, either. The tough part is all the little things, like staying 3 feet from him when he's talking so you don't use up all the oxygen in the air, and making sure he's not standing in your shadow, where he could get cold.
Click to expand...

Hahaha
 
NDFan4Life

NDFan4Life

Forum Regular
Messages
1,967
Reaction score
254
A few weeks old, but this one's good too:

2011 College Football Preseason Poll

With college football season almost upon us, it's time to take a look at where the top teams rank in the preseason polls.

1. Oklahoma: Not a bad team, but pretty obviously here because the coaches and reporters lack imagination

2. Alabama: Somebody called them up and asked if they're still a really good team, and they said yes

3. Oregon: LaMichael James a leading candidate to take Heisman Trophy, be forced to return it in five years

4. Florida State: The Seminoles have proven themselves worthy of a top-10 ranking by—wait, nobody has proven anything. The season hasn't even started. How does any of this matter in any way imaginable?

5. Boise State: Cue complaining in 3…2…1…

6. Florida: Several former backups who are stepping into starting roles have plenty of losing experience from last year to draw from and try to do the opposite of

7. Auburn: The Tigers have lost far too much talent this year to qualify for a bowl title they will later be stripped of

8. Arkansas: Just because star running back Knile Davis is out for the season doesn’t mean the Hogs can’t be ranked in the top five; it has more to do with the fact that they just aren’t as good as those other teams.

9. Wisconsin: Pound for pound, this team weighs the most pounds of any in NCAA football

10. Michigan: Actually not even in anyone's top 25, and also, f#ck them
Click to expand...
2011 College Football Preseason Poll | The Onion Sports Network
 
Last edited:
ShakeDown

ShakeDown

MexiCAN
Messages
1,129
Reaction score
164
For any of you Redskins fans out there...

Report: No One Over 13 Wants To Play QB For Redskins | The Onion Sports Network

ASHBURN, VA—Though the Washington Redskins are currently attempting to decide on their starting quarterback, no person older than the age of 13 has shown any enthusiasm about the position, team sources confirmed Sunday. “We had one ninth-grader come in, but he wouldn’t play here unless we got him a serious receiving threat,” said head coach Mike Shanahan, staring warily as an overweight 10-year-old girl attempted to throw a five-yard out to Santana Moss. “The problem we have here is that the only people in camp that are really excited about leading this team can’t see over the offensive line, can only throw underhanded, and trip over their jerseys.” The Redskins’ quarterback situation further deteriorated Sunday evening, when owner Daniel Snyder offered to trade Grossman and a third-round pick to a local Pop Warner team in exchange for their backup quarterback and cash.
Click to expand...
 
ShakeDown

ShakeDown

MexiCAN
Messages
1,129
Reaction score
164
NCAA Football Recruitment Reduced To Series Of Winks, Eyebrow Raises | The Onion Sports Network

NDIANAPOLIS—The NCAA unveiled a new set of college football recruitment rules Monday, restricting teams from communicating with high school athletes using anything other than a wink or a raised eyebrow. “The only way to level the playing field for programs and temper the influencing of young athletes is to limit coaches to six of these facial movements toward a player in any given week,” said NCAA president Mark Emmert, who earlier vetoed a proposal from schools that wanted to use the more suggestive half-smile, head nod, and rubbing of thumb, index, and middle fingers together to denote “cash.” “Coaches are advised that their facial movements must be made at least 20 feet away from the athlete and for a duration of no more than five seconds. The gestures may not be repeated if they go unnoticed.” According to sources within college programs, however, a distinct wink has already been developed to communicate the phrase “that brand-new red Escalade parked in front of your parents’ house is yours"
Click to expand...
 
Last edited:
ShakeDown

ShakeDown

MexiCAN
Messages
1,129
Reaction score
164
<iframe frameborder="no" width="480" height="270" scrolling="no" src="http://www.theonion.com/video_embed/?id=27179"></iframe><br /><a href="http://www.theonion.com/video/bill-belichick-vows-to-murder-tom-coughlin-this-ti,27179/" target="_blank" title="Bill Belichick Vows To Murder Tom Coughlin This Time">Bill Belichick Vows To Murder Tom Coughlin This Time</a>
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top