Joke Thread

[loomis41973]

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil.


Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class..

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Susie, who created th e universe?'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted............

 

[NDOM]

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil.


Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class..

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Susie, who created th e universe?'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted............

CLASSIC!

 

[JefMaj]

Robin Williams:

It was late in the evening...

Little Timmy's mom and dad were in the middle of raunchy mad passionate sex... and dad looked over and saw Timmy standing in the in the doorway with his jaw hanging wide.

Timmy ran..

Worried he would be scarred for life... dad went to speak with him.

He checked each room on the way to Timmy's.

He opened Timmy's door and there was Timmy having sex with grandma.

Dad yelled: Timmy, what are you doing???


Timmy called back: See... it's not so funny when it's your mom!




(hope this is gonna be a joke thread)

 

[The Polish Irishman]

Two Wolverine fans were walking in the forest one day. They saw a set of tracks and started arguing over what kind of tracks they were. The first Wolverine fan said, "I think they’re deer tracks!" The second Wolverine fan said, "I think they’re dog tracks!" Then the train hit them.

 

[Aerosmith777]

There once was a family of Michigan fans. The father and mother were both alumni, their older daughter was a current student, and their younger son was already decorating his room in Maize & Blue.

One year, around Christmas time, they were all in the mall doing some shopping. The boy wanders past a rack of Notre Dame jerseys, and starts staring at them. His sister walks by and says, "What are you looking at?" The boy responds, "I've just decided I'm switching allegiances. I'm now going to be a Notre Dame fan." The sister is horrified, and tells him to go talk to their mother.

After retrieving a #3 jersey from the rack, he goes to his mother and says, "Mom, I've just decided I'm going to be a Notre Dame fan from now on, and I want this for Christmas." The mother is horrified, and yells at him to go tell his father.

So he goes to his father and repeats what he had just said. His father loses his temper, and smacks him across the face, saying, "No son of mine will EVER wear this! Put it back, we're leaving!"

On the way home the father catches a glimpse of his son sulking in the back seat, so he asks him, "So, did you learn your lesson?" Without looking up, the son replies rather sarcastically "Sure did." Intrigued, the father responds, "What did you learn?"

The son then looked up and replied, "I've been a Notre Dame fan for less than an hour, and I already hate you Michigan bastards."

 

[GDomer09]

What is the biggest difference between Tiger Woods & Santa Clause?


Santa stops at three HO's!

 

[DomeisourHome]

There once was a family of Michigan fans. The father and mother were both alumni, their older daughter was a current student, and their younger son was already decorating his room in Maize & Blue.

One year, around Christmas time, they were all in the mall doing some shopping. The boy wanders past a rack of Notre Dame jerseys, and starts staring at them. His sister walks by and says, "What are you looking at?" The boy responds, "I've just decided I'm switching allegiances. I'm now going to be a Notre Dame fan." The sister is horrified, and tells him to go talk to their mother.

After retrieving a #3 jersey from the rack, he goes to his mother and says, "Mom, I've just decided I'm going to be a Notre Dame fan from now on, and I want this for Christmas." The mother is horrified, and yells at him to go tell his father.

So he goes to his father and repeats what he had just said. His father loses his temper, and smacks him across the face, saying, "No son of mine will EVER wear this! Put it back, we're leaving!"

On the way home the father catches a glimpse of his son sulking in the back seat, so he asks him, "So, did you learn your lesson?" Without looking up, the son replies rather sarcastically "Sure did." Intrigued, the father responds, "What did you learn?"

The son then looked up and replied, "I've been a Notre Dame fan for less than an hour, and I already hate you Michigan bastards."

Hilarious!

 

[WabashFalcon]

Grasshopper walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender sees him and walks over.

"We got a drink named after you, buddy." The bartender remarks.

"Really?" the insect says. "Ya got a drink named Steve?"

 

[KPENN]

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a University of Alabama Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Auburn University in Alabama.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu."

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

"Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination-Timbuktu."

The audience went wild. How they wondered could the redneck top that?

The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped up and recited:

"Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu."

 

[NDOM]

A guy and a dog walk into a bar, and immediately the bartender stops them and says: "Hey, there's no animals allowed in this bar". The man shouted back, "I understand that, but this dog is special" "If he gives you a hard time or causes ANY trouble we will leave". So the bartender agreed and the man and dog sat down at the bar.

While they were sitting there they were watching the Detroit Lions game and Jason Hansen lined up and kicked a field goal and split the uprights and all of a sudden the dog jumps up on the bar barking and growling and high pawing all the customers and just a dancing around with excitement. The bartender in amazement said to the guy "Wow thats pretty cool, thats an awesome dog" "What does the dog do when the Lions score a touchdown?" The dog owner looked at the bartender and said: "I dont know what he does when they score a touchdown, I have only had the dog for a 3 years!!!!!

LOL LOL LOL LOL. Sorry.

 

[Bubba]

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students
have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do.
All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and
correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here.
I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther
King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any
of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these
bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

 

[WabashFalcon]

What did Tiger do after he finished 18 Holes at the Masters?



He went back to the hotel for 3 more.

 

[Riddickulous]

This thread is the s***.

 

[Praytorian]

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

No crap, really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces BatteryCharge

He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

 

[NotreDameWinterHat]

so a seal walks into a club..

 

[kjk184]

If you didn't see Gran Torino...only Clint could make this joke.

Walt Kowalski: Oh, I've got one. A Mexican, a Jew, and a colored guy go into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Get the fuck out of here."

- Clint Eastwood

 

[NeuteredDoomer]

A Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."

The Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."

 

[Madknute]

A guy walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. He looks at his wife and says "This is the fat cow that I have sex with when you have a headache." His wife bursts out laughing and says " You are so stupid. That isn't a cow, that's a sheep." To which the husband replies " I wasn't talking to you!"

 

[JKhrome1ND]

i have a funny irish joke..........but it envoles a naked picture to it.

Is that ok to post it up here ? if not its cool, i just wont post the joke up.

 

[WabashFalcon]

You know at 5am are when all the bars in New York close down for an hour to clean before reopening. Well, at this time, the warf rats come in to drink.

Well, three of them are sitting at a bar taking shots when someone asks who is the biggest badass of the three. The first rat looks around and sees a little rat posion pellet in the corner of the bar. He looks at the other two and says "Watch this."

The rat goes to the corner, picks up the pellet, comes back to the bar, crushes it into powder, gets a razor and cuts it up into little lines before snorting it all up their nose. "That's how big of a bad ass I am."

The second rat finishes his shot before walking over to the other corner of the bar where a massive mouse trap is bated with a piece of cheese. The rat smiles, triggers the trap, and catches it moments before it crushes his head. The rat then does forty one arm Push Press before letting it snap down. "That's how big a bad ass I am."

The third rat, who has been silent the entire time, finishes his drink before getting his jacket and heading for the door.

"Where the hell are you going, you pussy?" the two rats at the shout in unison.

The third rat pauses at the door for a moment before turning around...

"Going home to fuck the cat."

 

[tko]

i think NDOM is a joke

 

[JKhrome1ND]

A young mother has the neighborhood kids over to play at her house one day. She decides to make some cookies for them. She's mixing the batter when she gets a phone call. Well as soon as she wanders off the local neighborhood brat comes in and sees the cookie batter. He gets a mischeivious gleem in his eye. He decides to dump a bunch of bb pellets into the cookie batter, then mix the batter up and run off. The mother comes back from her call and finishes the cookies not noticing anything wrong. She gives the kids the cookies and they run off to play. Fifteen minutes later a kid comes running up to her. Kid: "Mommie, mommie!" Mother: "What is it!?!" Kid: I went to pee and a bb came out!" Mother: "WHAT!?!" Kid: " I went to the bathroom and a bb came out!" Mother: " Well it will be alright, don't worry." Fifteen minutes later here comes another kid. Kid: Mommieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!" Mother: "What is it now?" Kid: "Mommie I went to the bathroom and a bb came out!" Mother : " What the hell are you kids doing out there? Oh never mind you'll be fine. Now go out and play." Fifteen minutes later another kid comes screaming. Kid: " Mommieeee, mommieeeee!" Mother: " Let me guess, you went to the bathroom and a bb came out?" Kid: "No mommie...I was playing with myself and I shot the cat!"

 

[JKhrome1ND]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

 

[JKhrome1ND]

A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"

 

[JKhrome1ND]

Man 1: "How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

Man 2: "I don't know how...

Man 1: "Hey wanna go ride bikes?"

 

[JKhrome1ND]

I really do love this country, but...

1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille.

 

[JKhrome1ND]

A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!" The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?" The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!" The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside down?" "Because the shit is running down my back!"

 

[JKhrome1ND]

TOP TEN THINGS MEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP WITH A VAGINA FOR A DAY...

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

 

[JKhrome1ND]

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

 

[Pinoy QB]

Have you heard about the gay midget?



He came out of the cabinet instead of the closet.. LMAO