Joke of the Day

[Freeman Ara]

With all that is going on in our daily lives,work,kids,family matters (the stresses of ND recruiting). I figured maybe a little humor everyday would be a nice distraction. Feel free to post any jokes, video clips, funny audio on here. It doesn't have to be limited to one a day either, just something to pass the time in a "dead period".



Hilary at elementary school


Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about
the world. After her talk she offers a question time.


One little boy puts up his hand. The Senator asks him what his name is.


"Kenneth."


"And what is your question, Kenneth?"


"I have three questions: First - whatever happened to the medical
health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight
years in the office as President? Second - why would you run for
President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever
happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"


Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kids
that they will continue after recess.


When they resume, Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's
right, question time. Who has a question?"


A different little boy puts his hand up. Hillary point him out and
asks him what his name is.


"Larry."


"And what is your question, Larry?"


"I have five questions: First - whatever happened to the medical
health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight
years in the office as President? Second - why would you run for
President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever
happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?
Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? Fifth - what happened to Kenneth?"

 

[Freeman Ara]

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A
huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following
the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart
then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart
forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into
laughter. When
all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of
my own
funeral.........I'm a gynecologist."

The proctologist fainted!

 

[Ultimate Penn St. Hater]

Its a joke that Penn St. fans say that Paterno still coaches that team.

 

[notredomer23]

My signiture is the best joke. I have another one but its a lil immature but hear it is. ok so some smokin hot babe is takin a bath in her apartment. Then the olympian comes and says its the olympian. So she gets up puts a towel on and talks to him and goes back to her bath. He says congradualate me i one a gold metal. then she goes to her back to her bath Then the blind man comes to the door and she doesnt bother putting the towell on. He says congradualate me. she says why. He says Im not blind

 

[Freeman Ara]

Notredamer23 nice lol. Ok I got one more.

A young woman who is looking to increase her breast size goes to a Dr. Smith. She says, " Doc I would like a bigger chest and not have to undergo surgery." He says, "Ok, everyday rub your breast and say Scoobie Doobie Doobies I want bigger boobies." So the woman goes home and for the next 6 months does this ritual and her breasts, sure enough increase in size. One day she is running late for work and as she gets on the subway realizes she has forgotten to perform her daily ritual. So, worried that she might lose her nice new breasts she starts rubbing her chest and recites, "Scoobie Doobie Doobies I want bigger boobies." A young man seeing her rub her breasts and reciting this mantra leans over and says, " By any chance are you a patient of Dr. Smith?" She says, " Yes I am, how did you guess?" Leaning in close he says, "Hickory Dickory Dock I want a ....."

 

[stonebreakerwasgod]

It certainly worked for me............

 

[notredomer23]

this isnt really a joke but it is funny i guess, "Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is now in Iraq. She made a surprise visit to Iraq. Well, you thought Bush wanted to bomb the place before. ... She didn't say how long she'd be staying in Iraq. President Bush said he was against setting any timetables for Pelosi to return. He said to bring her back prematurely would send the wrong message." --Jay Leno

and

"Today Nancy Pelosi became the first woman Speaker of the House. They say this is the furthest anyone in a dress has gotten in Washington since J. edgar hoover

 

[stonebreakerwasgod]

Here is a joke for you: Hilary (who voted for the war) now coming out against it, and talking about the lack of WMD's and the faulty reason for going to war. Didn't her husband say there were WMD's in Iraq? Didn't Kerry? The man who said "If you don't think Iraq is a grave national threat, then don't vote for me in '04"?? The hypocrisy kills me everytime!

 

[notredomer23]

back to jokes ummm i said this to some ugly girl in my school. its from ebaumsworld but i said it to her: your love for me is like diaria. I just cant hold it in. she actually said awwweee after i said it....

 

[Freeman Ara]

Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the helicopter in front of the
White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared
away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes and says,
"Nice pigs, sir".
The President replies, "These are not pigs; these are authentic
Arkansas Razorback Hogs! I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I
got one for Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi."
The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes and says....
"Excellent Trade Sir!"

 

[stonebreakerwasgod]

LOL if only it were that easy!

 

[notredomer23]

Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the helicopter in front of the
White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared
away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes and says,
"Nice pigs, sir".
The President replies, "These are not pigs; these are authentic
Arkansas Razorback Hogs! I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I
got one for Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi."
The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes and says....
"Excellent Trade Sir!"

one of the best jokes i have heard in a while

 

[gallup21]

here are some U of M jokes i found on an earlier thread on this site...

Q: Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco chase?
A: The University of Michigan campus. That's the last place you would look for a Heisman Trophy winner.

Q: Why do University of Michigan fans graduates place their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q: How many University of Michigan football players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but he gets 3 credits.

Two University of Michigan fans were walking down the street when they came upon a dog lying on the sidewalk licking and cleaning his groin like dogs do. The first University of Michigan fan says to the second, "Boy, I wish I could do that." The second University of Michigan fan replies, "Yeah, me too. But I wouldn't try it." The first University of Michigan fan asks, "Why not?" The second University of Michigan fan replies, "Because I'm afraid the dog might bite me."

Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Michigan campus?
A: A visitor.

Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of Michigan library?
A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

Q: Did you hear about the fire in University of Michigan's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?
A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.

Q: What did the average University of Michigan student get on his SAT?
A: Drool.

Q: What's long and hard on a Michigan fan?
A: First Grade

Q: How do you get to Ann Arbor from South Bend?
A: Go North until you smell shit,then west until you step in it.

Q: What is the only sign of intelligent life in Michigan?
A: The freeway sign that says "South Bend,74 Miles".

Q: How many pallbearers would be needed for a Wolverines funeral?
A: Two,a garbage can only has two handles.

Q: What do you get when you breed a pig with a Michigan fan?
A: Nothing,some things even a pig will not do.

Q: What do you call a Michagan Cheerleader with two brain cells?
Aregnant

 

[gallup21]

and to add another ive heard. Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and Michigan Stadium? A: A porcupine has 100,000 pricks on the outside

 

[Freeman Ara]

The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Al. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give mean example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

 

[GoshenGipper]

Q: How do you get to Ann Arbor from South Bend?
A: Go North until you smell shit,then west until you step in it.

Yeah um, Ann Arbor is east of South Bend, not west. If you go north, then west from SB you'll end up in Lake Michigan.

 

[marv81s]

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a couple
were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench.
Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a
pink willy. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having
trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual
emasculation of African Americans in a dominantly
white, patriarchal society. "In fact, "he pointed out, "some serious
critic s believe th at the pink willy reflect the cultural and
sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary
society."

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said,
"Would you like to know what the painting is really
about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert
than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because, I'm the guy who painted the picture," he replied. "In fact,
there are no African Americans depicted at all.
They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

 

[BestBIrish47]

great avatar marv yet again

 

[williamson143]

A guy goes to the Doctor with a severe case of Erectile Dysfunction Syndrome (EDS). When asked of the symptoms, the guy explains that he has tried just about everything to become sexually aroused, but has had no luck. The Doctor discusses various ways of treating the problem (Viagra, etc.), but the guy has tried all of them.

Finally, the Doctor explains that there is one last possible treatment, but that it’s controversial and that it’s in the early test stages. The guy, desperate after all of his searching, says he wants to hear about it. No matter what.

“Well,” the Doctor says, “what we do is we remove all muscle tissue from your penis and replace it with tissue from a baby elephant’s trunk.”

Obviously, the guy is stunned. “I warned you,” said the Doctor, “I didn’t say it was easy or pretty, but I did say it was possible...” The guy thinks it over for some time, weighing his options, but agrees to the procedure in the end and has it done.

Fast forward a few months and the guy is fully healed. He’s been out on the scene and has finally managed to land a date with a gorgeous woman. He picks her up, takes her out to dinner, engages in witty conversation. In effect, he’s been doing everything he can on this date to get this woman in bed so he can test out the results of the surgery. So there they are sitting at the table, and the conversation starts to heat up a little. Things are looking good for the guy to close the deal. All of a sudden, out of his pants comes his penis. It reaches up onto the table, grabs a roll off the bread plate, and goes back into his pants.

The guy sits back in absolute horror over what has just happened. He realizes that he has probably freaked this woman out, and that he has blown every chance he has at going home with her at the end of the date. He’s crushed. He looks up at her to gauge her reaction, and to his complete surprise he sees that she is looking back at him with amazement and admiration.

“Wow”, she says. “That was really impressive. Do you think you could do that again?”

The guy sits back and thinks about it for a moment. “Probably,” he says, “but I don’t think I could fit another roll up my ass.”

 

[IRISHDODGER]

and to add another ive heard. Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and Michigan Stadium? A: A porcupine has 100,000 pricks on the outside

Here's another one, you can insert any school but will use are buddies in Ann Arbor:

How do they separate the men from the boys at Michigan?
With a crowbar.

 

[IRISHDODGER]

Did you hear Mike Brey just opened a bar in South Bend? There's only one rule: You have to go home after the first round.

Sorry..couldn't resist. I think the joke was originally about Lute Olson.

 

[Freeman Ara]

Here's another one, you can insert any school but will use are buddies in Ann Arbor:

How do they separate the men from the boys at Michigan?
With a crowbar.

Would that be defined as irony when someone from Arkansas is telling molestation jokes?

I kid, I kid

 

[IRISHDODGER]

Would that be defined as irony when someone from Arkansas is telling molestation jokes?

I kid, I kid

Actually it was a sexual orientation reference, which may be more applicable in a place like South Beach...in Florida, I believe

I kid, I kid.

 

[Freeman Ara]

Actually it was a sexual orientation reference, which may be more applicable in a place like South Beach...in Florida, I believe

I kid, I kid.

ok I give got me there...like I should talk anyway i live in HOMOSASSA.

 

[Freeman Ara]

FOUR WOMEN were driving across the country. Each one was from a different
place: Idaho, Nebraska, Texas, and Mexico.Shortly after the trip began,
the woman from Idaho started pulling potatoes from her bag and throwing
them out of the window."What the heck are you doing?" demanded the
Nebraskan. "We have so many of these darn things in Idaho, I am just sick
of looking at them!"A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling
ears of corn from her bag and tossing them from the window."What are you
doing that for?" asked the gal from Texas."We have so many of these things
in Nebraska, I am just sick of looking at them!"Inspired, the gal from
Texas opened the car door and pushed the Mexican out!

 

[IRISHDODGER]

ok I give got me there...like I should talk anyway i live in HOMOSASSA.

NICE (not that there's anything wrong w/ that!)...I didn't even catch that.

 

[WalshND]

It's a beautiful Sunday afternoon as Superman flies high above the city of Metropolis.
SupermanThinking to himself"Man what am I'm gonna do today??? Crime is down, Batman and Robin are at a comic book convention and Aqua-man is at the beach." "I know I'll fly over to Wonder Woman's penthouse and she whats she's up to."

As the Man of Steel approaches he notices that Wonder woman is sunbathing on her balcony, totally nude, and with both of her legs stuck straight up in the air. Being shy and polite he quickly gains altitude. But it's to late his "super hormones " have started to kick in.

Superman"WOW!!!" "Ya know I could swoop down there and get some of that, and be gone before she even knew what happened." " I'm faster then a speeding bullet!"
As he contemplates this thought he circles faster and faster and faster. Finally he decides.

Superman"F#*@K IT!"
Down he swoops at the speed of Light! Bam, Bam, Bam, Then he's off like a shot.

Wonder Woman"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!?!?!

The Invisible Man "I don't know but my ass is killing me!!!

 

[Freeman Ara]

ok trying to put an attachment on here but screwed up..look at next post

 

[Freeman Ara]

ok nevermind screw it here's a joke.



An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a
purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings
account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank
because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always
right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's
office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit.
She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The
president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save
so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your
testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was
impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and
said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", rep lied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my
testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money
involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'
clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem",
said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and
spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles,
turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again
until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as
square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose
the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at
the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000
bet made the day before that t he president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made
the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants
etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the
president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president.
"Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the
president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the
wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she
replied,
"Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10
o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the
President of the Bank of Canada!"

 

[Freeman Ara]

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is It true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin People to git cancer ?"

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all Them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba."

"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she Was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"

"Yep."

"And that football player sued that university when he Gradiated and still couldn't read?"

"That's right," said the lawyer."
"But why are you asking?"

"Well, I was thinkin . ... What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?"