Running out of things for America to apologize for President Obama apologized to the Saudis today for the arrogance of Notre Dame football, widely viewed around the globe as a metaphor for America.
"Gentlemen, recently I went into the lion's den and traveled to Notre Dame to point out to them the errors of their ways. Notre Dame needs to take it's rightful place in the football world and stop trying to dictate to everyone. It's time they stopped being so independent and got in touch with reality. It's time they stopped trying to go their own way. Time they stopped running about from one corner of the football world to another like a bunch of crusaders trying to instill their sense of integrity upon others. A game here, a game there barnstorming like they think they were Patton touring Europe. I apologize for Notre Dame, for the Crusaders, and for Patton, also. It's a travesty what that old white man did to the Germans and to the environment. But I digress.
Notre Dame needs to stay home, apologize to the Big 10, beg forgiveness, and join a conference! Only then will world peace be possible.
Instead of lamenting how it used to be, when dinosaurs walked the earth, and they rushed for 200 yards a game, Domers need to let the WAC, the Mountain West, and the Sun Belt have a seat at the BCS table like the rest of the football world thinks they should. Notre Dame needs to stop thwarting a college football championship through their myriad bowl tie-ins. Notre Dame's share of BCS revenue is indecent. Columbia doesn't get a cut, Harvard doesn't get a cut, and neither will my Budget.
At a time when I am championing a college education for everyone at the government's expense regardless of their ability to read at a third grade level, Notre Dame needs to dismiss their effete education attitude of excellence in the classroom. I apologize for their 94% graduation rate of athletes even if they won't. They have tremendous arrogance demanding that incoming freshman be well read and well written, and be able to add without their fingers. Notre Dame's Admission and Matriculation Policies trivialize the academic achievements of genuine Katzenmoyer Scholars focusing on careers as singing golf pros providing meaningful aids awareness on the links. Notre Dame makes University President's graduating 40% of their student body self conscious. Student's who can't read and have no reason to be college should be allowed to run up a student loan they'll never be able to repay. There no different than members of congress that can't read the Bailout Bill that will never be able to repay.
Time For Change!
I apologize for Notre Dame's Endowment and the Notredame Broadcasting Corporation contract. It's time to redistribute Notre Dame's wealth and invite a third world football power to their campus. Notre Dame hasn't allowed a disadvantaged program to their place to play in more than 70 years. They need only look to the Southeast to see a new attitude of munificence. Just today look how benevolent the University of Georgia has shown themselves to be by sending One Million Dollars to New Mexico State to stimulate their economy. How 'bout them Dawgs!
Twenty years ago a Mexican would not have been allowed in Athens, except to trim The Hedges. Now they'll get to play between them. Now the citizens of Georgia welcome a whole wave of new Mexicans, every day. I want to thank Secretary Geithner for making that deal part of our Stimulus Program. I want to shout out a thank you to Homeland Security Director Janet Napolitano for getting the Georgia law enforcement agencies to agree not to check their eligibility papers just like my agencies don't. If only we could get the Irish on board.
Wake Up Irish!
Schedule a home and home with Al qaeda! You'll go play a game in Dublin. Why not Kabul? Why not Yemen! Their cheerleaders have great outfits! Fans would probably look at your cheerleaders for a change. And yes, gentlemen I apologize for the lack of modesty of Notre Dame cheerleaders. I'll recommend the Commerce Department initiate a Burka for Cheerleaders Trade Agreement. We can pay for it with petrodollars. And yes, I promise we there will be a No Drill Policy in America, just like Notre Dame practices.
Notre Dame, it's time to break your cozy ties to the military industrial complex. Army and Navy no longer dominate the world's gridiron. And I'm seeing to it that they don't dominate anywhere else.
While Notre Dame has decades of dominance to overcome, I admit, they've made a start in the past decade fulfilling their quota of losses. As my mentor so sagely said, “The chickens HAVE come home to roost.”
I must admit, in all honesty, I had a part in that transition. As a Community Organizer in Chicago my efforts knew no geopolitical boundaries. My policies went beyond the borders of the City and extended to all 58 states. They even impacted the magic kingdom Under The Tarnished Dome, even to the Far Quad. Father Malloy was a man of vision and heeded my words. My calls for acceptance induced Notre Dame to hire an untried Presbyterian as head football coach. Let me tell you the Bishops weren't pleased about that one, either. Then a Methodist, a Man of Color was given an equal opportunity to display his incompetence. And he did, beyond anyones wildest expectations! Now how about that redistribution of wealth! The molder of mediocrity collected paychecks from two universities while producing no signs of visible progress anywhere. It will take longer for those two program to rebuild then it will for our great, great grandchildren to pay down the national debt. Once I got Notre Dame on the road to giving the unproven a chance, it was easy to get them to hire a waistline challenged guy from New Jersey with no head coaching experience. Another one of the millions of jobs I've created for the economy. Acorn can only aspire to such greatness.
The days of the status quo are over.
Since I became a Senator, Notre Dame has stopped running over people. It's good now to see them sing Navy's school song after letting the smaller less talented midshipmen win a game ending those decades of ignominious dominance. Next year I hope we can see the Spartans and the Irish join at midfield for a post game rendition of Kumbaya while the Spartans deturf the entire field. If you'd like I can arrange for the Department of Agriculture to ship some of that Irish turf over here to green your deserts.
Some people think I'm a lightweight, but had that Navy streak not ended, let me say I was prepared at a future ND/Navy game to issue an Executive Order to redistribute the wealth by busing in some Gator players out on Work Release to augment the Navy team while requiring Notre Dame to use the entire backfield from Austin Peay. It's only fair. On reflection, it might be better justice to make Notre Dame use their on backfield.
I must admit that since my election there have been continued signs of Notre Dame's getting over their intransigence. They've finally allowed a Mormon to play on their team. And now they've accepted two players from one of my home states, Hawaii. With former Vice President's Gore assistance I was also able to prevail upon Notre Dame last Fall to hold a Smaller Carbon Footprint Football Game. They cooperated, shut down their offensive engine and the Orangemen had a solar moment.
Today I am pleased to announce that The University of Notre Dame is taking another bold initiative in the battle against global warming by replacing their incandescent scoreboard of the glory days with a new state of the art LED unit. There were some hard core die hards that wanted a Jumbotron but as Coach Weis has never reached 50 points in a game there's nothing Jumbo they need in a scoreboard. PAC-10 officials assure me there will be no highlights to replay either. Coach Carroll suggested Notre Dame could further reduce their carbon footprint by installing half a scoreboard as from his memory Notre Dame usually didn't use their half of the scoreboard when he's in town. My National Energy Czar was able to broker a compromise when Coach Weis assured me that the new LED scoreboard would only be powered by the energy generated by his running backs past the line of scrimmage. That alone should help the glaciers.
Through extended dialog with University officials, and with the words of Vince Lombardi, I have gotten Notre Dame to realize that winning isn't everything. In the past two years I'm proud to say they've embraced that concept with a complete lack of passion.
I must admit as the son of a Muslim it was intimidating to go on that campus and see all those arrogant idolatrous works, #1 Moses, Touchdown Jesus, ... President Jenkins I call on you in the name of mid-Eastern peace, “Tear Down That Mural!”
Now gentlemen, if I can get Notre Dame to change, with all the arrogance that 7 Heismans, their own TV network, 25 National Championships, ... (What? What do you mean they don't have 25 national championships Joe Biden assured me they definitely have one more than Alabama has.)
Excuse me. Roll back the teleprompter, please. As I was saying before that interruption, if ..., if I, can get Notre Dame to change, there is - hope - for the world for peace.
I assure you that I can get Hezbollah and the Mossad to sit down and share some baby back ribs and come to a peaceful coexistence. And after I do that at my retreat in Pennsylvania, Camp Hussein, and get my Nobel Peace Prize, I can look forward to being another ex-President commanding $50 million in lobbying fees for America's enemies.
Any of you royals up for a half court photo op game?
H-o-r-s-e maybe?
I'll spot you 3 letters and you can shoot first. Did I mention the ball's got a pigskin cover?"
"Gentlemen, recently I went into the lion's den and traveled to Notre Dame to point out to them the errors of their ways. Notre Dame needs to take it's rightful place in the football world and stop trying to dictate to everyone. It's time they stopped being so independent and got in touch with reality. It's time they stopped trying to go their own way. Time they stopped running about from one corner of the football world to another like a bunch of crusaders trying to instill their sense of integrity upon others. A game here, a game there barnstorming like they think they were Patton touring Europe. I apologize for Notre Dame, for the Crusaders, and for Patton, also. It's a travesty what that old white man did to the Germans and to the environment. But I digress.
Notre Dame needs to stay home, apologize to the Big 10, beg forgiveness, and join a conference! Only then will world peace be possible.
Instead of lamenting how it used to be, when dinosaurs walked the earth, and they rushed for 200 yards a game, Domers need to let the WAC, the Mountain West, and the Sun Belt have a seat at the BCS table like the rest of the football world thinks they should. Notre Dame needs to stop thwarting a college football championship through their myriad bowl tie-ins. Notre Dame's share of BCS revenue is indecent. Columbia doesn't get a cut, Harvard doesn't get a cut, and neither will my Budget.
At a time when I am championing a college education for everyone at the government's expense regardless of their ability to read at a third grade level, Notre Dame needs to dismiss their effete education attitude of excellence in the classroom. I apologize for their 94% graduation rate of athletes even if they won't. They have tremendous arrogance demanding that incoming freshman be well read and well written, and be able to add without their fingers. Notre Dame's Admission and Matriculation Policies trivialize the academic achievements of genuine Katzenmoyer Scholars focusing on careers as singing golf pros providing meaningful aids awareness on the links. Notre Dame makes University President's graduating 40% of their student body self conscious. Student's who can't read and have no reason to be college should be allowed to run up a student loan they'll never be able to repay. There no different than members of congress that can't read the Bailout Bill that will never be able to repay.
Time For Change!
I apologize for Notre Dame's Endowment and the Notredame Broadcasting Corporation contract. It's time to redistribute Notre Dame's wealth and invite a third world football power to their campus. Notre Dame hasn't allowed a disadvantaged program to their place to play in more than 70 years. They need only look to the Southeast to see a new attitude of munificence. Just today look how benevolent the University of Georgia has shown themselves to be by sending One Million Dollars to New Mexico State to stimulate their economy. How 'bout them Dawgs!
Twenty years ago a Mexican would not have been allowed in Athens, except to trim The Hedges. Now they'll get to play between them. Now the citizens of Georgia welcome a whole wave of new Mexicans, every day. I want to thank Secretary Geithner for making that deal part of our Stimulus Program. I want to shout out a thank you to Homeland Security Director Janet Napolitano for getting the Georgia law enforcement agencies to agree not to check their eligibility papers just like my agencies don't. If only we could get the Irish on board.
Wake Up Irish!
Schedule a home and home with Al qaeda! You'll go play a game in Dublin. Why not Kabul? Why not Yemen! Their cheerleaders have great outfits! Fans would probably look at your cheerleaders for a change. And yes, gentlemen I apologize for the lack of modesty of Notre Dame cheerleaders. I'll recommend the Commerce Department initiate a Burka for Cheerleaders Trade Agreement. We can pay for it with petrodollars. And yes, I promise we there will be a No Drill Policy in America, just like Notre Dame practices.
Notre Dame, it's time to break your cozy ties to the military industrial complex. Army and Navy no longer dominate the world's gridiron. And I'm seeing to it that they don't dominate anywhere else.
While Notre Dame has decades of dominance to overcome, I admit, they've made a start in the past decade fulfilling their quota of losses. As my mentor so sagely said, “The chickens HAVE come home to roost.”
I must admit, in all honesty, I had a part in that transition. As a Community Organizer in Chicago my efforts knew no geopolitical boundaries. My policies went beyond the borders of the City and extended to all 58 states. They even impacted the magic kingdom Under The Tarnished Dome, even to the Far Quad. Father Malloy was a man of vision and heeded my words. My calls for acceptance induced Notre Dame to hire an untried Presbyterian as head football coach. Let me tell you the Bishops weren't pleased about that one, either. Then a Methodist, a Man of Color was given an equal opportunity to display his incompetence. And he did, beyond anyones wildest expectations! Now how about that redistribution of wealth! The molder of mediocrity collected paychecks from two universities while producing no signs of visible progress anywhere. It will take longer for those two program to rebuild then it will for our great, great grandchildren to pay down the national debt. Once I got Notre Dame on the road to giving the unproven a chance, it was easy to get them to hire a waistline challenged guy from New Jersey with no head coaching experience. Another one of the millions of jobs I've created for the economy. Acorn can only aspire to such greatness.
The days of the status quo are over.
Since I became a Senator, Notre Dame has stopped running over people. It's good now to see them sing Navy's school song after letting the smaller less talented midshipmen win a game ending those decades of ignominious dominance. Next year I hope we can see the Spartans and the Irish join at midfield for a post game rendition of Kumbaya while the Spartans deturf the entire field. If you'd like I can arrange for the Department of Agriculture to ship some of that Irish turf over here to green your deserts.
Some people think I'm a lightweight, but had that Navy streak not ended, let me say I was prepared at a future ND/Navy game to issue an Executive Order to redistribute the wealth by busing in some Gator players out on Work Release to augment the Navy team while requiring Notre Dame to use the entire backfield from Austin Peay. It's only fair. On reflection, it might be better justice to make Notre Dame use their on backfield.
I must admit that since my election there have been continued signs of Notre Dame's getting over their intransigence. They've finally allowed a Mormon to play on their team. And now they've accepted two players from one of my home states, Hawaii. With former Vice President's Gore assistance I was also able to prevail upon Notre Dame last Fall to hold a Smaller Carbon Footprint Football Game. They cooperated, shut down their offensive engine and the Orangemen had a solar moment.
Today I am pleased to announce that The University of Notre Dame is taking another bold initiative in the battle against global warming by replacing their incandescent scoreboard of the glory days with a new state of the art LED unit. There were some hard core die hards that wanted a Jumbotron but as Coach Weis has never reached 50 points in a game there's nothing Jumbo they need in a scoreboard. PAC-10 officials assure me there will be no highlights to replay either. Coach Carroll suggested Notre Dame could further reduce their carbon footprint by installing half a scoreboard as from his memory Notre Dame usually didn't use their half of the scoreboard when he's in town. My National Energy Czar was able to broker a compromise when Coach Weis assured me that the new LED scoreboard would only be powered by the energy generated by his running backs past the line of scrimmage. That alone should help the glaciers.
Through extended dialog with University officials, and with the words of Vince Lombardi, I have gotten Notre Dame to realize that winning isn't everything. In the past two years I'm proud to say they've embraced that concept with a complete lack of passion.
I must admit as the son of a Muslim it was intimidating to go on that campus and see all those arrogant idolatrous works, #1 Moses, Touchdown Jesus, ... President Jenkins I call on you in the name of mid-Eastern peace, “Tear Down That Mural!”
Now gentlemen, if I can get Notre Dame to change, with all the arrogance that 7 Heismans, their own TV network, 25 National Championships, ... (What? What do you mean they don't have 25 national championships Joe Biden assured me they definitely have one more than Alabama has.)
Excuse me. Roll back the teleprompter, please. As I was saying before that interruption, if ..., if I, can get Notre Dame to change, there is - hope - for the world for peace.
I assure you that I can get Hezbollah and the Mossad to sit down and share some baby back ribs and come to a peaceful coexistence. And after I do that at my retreat in Pennsylvania, Camp Hussein, and get my Nobel Peace Prize, I can look forward to being another ex-President commanding $50 million in lobbying fees for America's enemies.
Any of you royals up for a half court photo op game?
H-o-r-s-e maybe?
I'll spot you 3 letters and you can shoot first. Did I mention the ball's got a pigskin cover?"
