UNC Fans Demand Mike Krzyzewski Be Arrested For Attempted Murder
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CHAPEL HILL, NC--UNC fans are in a lather over the vicious hit delivered by Duke’s Gerald Henderson on Tar Heels forward Tyler Hansbrough in the waning seconds of Sunday’s game at the Dean Smith center. While some have directed their ire at Henderson himself, many are the placing the blame squarely on the shoulders of Blue Devils coach Mike Krzyzewski, whom they claim put Henderson up to it.
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The only way for justice to truly be served, Tar Heel fans say, is for Krzyzewski to be arrested and charged with attempted murder.
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“Coach K is a thug who ordered his goon to try and kill our best player!” said Kbonser23, a poster on a popular Tar Heels message board. “That punk criminal should be arrested and charged with attempted murder. There is no other way around this!! If that was any other team, player, or coach in the country, they would be in jail right now, being administered the lethal injection. But no, when it’s Coach K and his merry band of KILLERS everybody looks the other way. Coach K is a MURDERER and he has no class!!!!!!”
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Replays of the incident shows Hansbrough elevating for a layup, losing the ball, and then taking a forearm to the face from an airborne Henderson. The result of the play was a broken nose for Hansbrough and a one game suspension for Henderson.
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“A one game suspension is a joke,” said Jamie Nagel, 20, a UNC sophomore. “That was a planned hit ordered by Coach K with the intent to kill. Why does everybody treat this guy with kid gloves? Every time he and his gang of marauding thugs jeopardizes an innocent person’s life, the brain dead media and fans try to convince themselves it was an ‘accident.’ Well it wasn’t an accident. If this guy isn’t in an orange jumpsuit and handcuffs by next week, I’m going to do something about it myself. I’m going to…let’s see…comment on a message board, I guess. And consider that a fair warning!”
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One website has already popped up calling for Krzyzewski’s arrest. The site, StopCoachK.com, was built by disgruntled UNC fans and is already averaging 10,000 visitors per day. The webmaster, Patrick K. Reece, said the site is part of a new, grass roots movement to end Coach K’s reign of terror.
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“Coach K has been hiding behind his squeaky clean image for years now, and it’s time people started to wake up,” said Reece, a 26-year-old UNC alum. “Did you know that he often berates officials? Did you know that he missed a bunch of games in 1995 and then allowed the interim coach to have all the losses added to his record? He did. It’s all here documented on Stop Coach K, which was originally supposed to be titled ‘Coack K is a Ruthless Psychotic Demigod,’ but that was already taken – for every domain, including dot edu.”
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While Tar Heels fans are outraged, some observers feel that the foul wasn’t intentional at all, and that the outraged is misplaced. Others feel that the sight of Hansbrough with a bloodied face inflamed passions and made the hit look worse than it was. Even North Carolina coach Roy Williams admitted he didn’t think Henderson was looking to injure anyone.
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“I looked bad, but I don’t think Gerald went out there and said ‘I’m going to break someone’s nose,’” said Williams. “It was just a rough foul. It deserved about a one game suspension and that’s what he got. Fans do get a little carried away when it comes to Duke because of the rivalry and because of the perceived media bias in favor of them. Of course Billy Packer isn’t helping to break that perception. He’s so biased he might as well paint his face blue and jump around like those retards at Cameron Indoor.”
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As for Hansbrough, he plans to wear a protective mask and play in the ACC tournament, despite a fractured nose. He was initially angry over the incident, but now says that it’s time to move on.
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“When it happened, I was pissed,” said Hansbrough, who had 26 points in the game. “It seemed deliberate, and I hate Duke anyway, so I was ready to punch someone. But I’m over it now, and to tell you the truth, I’m not even sure it was intentional. Not that I care anyway. The important thing is we’re coming up on the tourney and I to get to wear one of those cool plastic masks. Crazy Mask Guy, coming at you! Grrrrrrr! Arrrggrrhhh! Ow! That hurt my nose when I did that.”
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Copyright 2007, The Brushback - This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.