Domer95
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HILARIOUS!!! From NDNation....
At a gala press conference in Chestnut Hill today, Boston College formally celebrated its absorption into the Atlantic Coast Conference as well as a resultant name change. BC was widely criticized for misleading its Big East cohorts, including a number of fellow Catholic schools by giving assurances of fidelity while secretly negotiating with the ACC.
At today's press conference, however, BC switched focus from the low regard in which it is now held by northeasterners and Catholics and stressed its commonality with the fundamentalist Protestant and NASCAR base to which it aspires. Presiding over the event was University President and holder of the Bernard Law chair in Clerical Ethics, Rev William P. Leahy, S.J. In prepared remarks Leahy proclaimed "We are a great fit for the ACC and will find many schools with whom we have much in common. BC combines the academic distinction of Florida State, Clemson and North Carolina State, the athletic tradition of Wake Forest, the commitment to ethics and morality of Miami and the female pulchritude of Duke. We will be right at home."
At the press conference, Leahy also announced another major change. Tired of spending years being confused with Boston University and being thought of as "just a college", BC used the occasion of its entry into the ACC to announce a name change. Said Leahy, "from this day forward, the ACC school formerly known as Boston College will be referred to as the University of Boston in Chestnut Hill." Speaking before a huge banner emblazoned with the new UBICH logo, Leahy said, "we feel this new name will more accurately capture our new direction for the new century." ACC sportswriters covering the event were all provided with bright yellow and maroon t-shirts proclaiming "The ACC's Got A New BICH!" (as evidenced by BICH's egg laying in Blacksburg last night....)
In a nod to its past athletic pedigree, UBICH has announced the construction of a new Sports Heritage Hall. Said Leahy, "The goal is to show future athletes who want to be BICHes just what type of tradition they are going to have to live up to. Thirty-foot statues of Bill Romonowski, Mark Chmura and Chris Hovan will guard the entry. Gillette will also sponsor a "Close Shave" exhibition hall honoring BC's repeated involvement with the rich connection between sports and gambling. A display case entitled "Short and Swish" will highlight the contributions to sports journalism made by Alumni BICHes Mike Lupica and Bob Ryan, and includes all five copies sold of Lupica's thirty-two sports novels and service copies of restraining orders against Ryan on behalf of Mrs Jason Kidd as well as a local paperboy. An empty room will await trophies symbolizing national championships in football, mens or women's basketball, baseball, or mens or women's soccer. A gold-plated titanium vault will house every game ball evidencing a victory, first-down, change of possession or time-out charged against Notre Dame.
Leahy also announced a desire to extend and expand the profit-making portion of BC's athletic schedule by entering into home-and-home every other week games against Notre Dame in every sport, plus ultimate frisbee. It is expected that BC could guarantee ticket purchases by every living alumni for an ultimate frisbee match with the Irish in the former Alumni Stadium, newly-renamed "The BICH Ditch." Cognizant that sporting events with Notre Dame combined with student-athlete wagering winnings account for the totality of the school's sporting revenue, Father Leahy also offered two-for one home and away games as well as two gross of SuperFan t-shirts to sweeten the deal for the Irish.
Notre Dame, while declining to immediately respond to the request for an expanded relationship, offered a statement from Executive Vice President John Affleck-Graves: "Years ago Notre Dame decided it would be nice to develop a football relationship with a truly distinguished institution of higher learning in the Boston metropolitan area. Boston University, Harvard, MIT, Holy Cross, Stonehill, Northeastern, Bunker Hill Vocational College and Joe's Roxbury Barber College don't play Division One football, however, so we were pleased to enter into a contract with Boston College. And naturally, when we joined the Big East, much as you spend time with your less wealthy, less attractive, less interesting cousin Barney at Christmas, so we were pleased and happy out of a sense of obligation to play Boston College in other sports. We congratulate BC on its new role as BICH in the ACC and wish them well. We are evaluating future athletic relationships in order to now determine whether, when it comes to revenue-generating home games, the BICH is on her own. In any event, no matter what future relations are, all graduates of Notre Dame and the BICHes we have come to know will always have a special bond and share one thing in common, having all filled out the same college application." The statement went on to point out that even if relations ceased, BICHes could continue to satisfy their intense interest in Notre Dame as all Irish football games will be nationally televised in perpetuity.
At a gala press conference in Chestnut Hill today, Boston College formally celebrated its absorption into the Atlantic Coast Conference as well as a resultant name change. BC was widely criticized for misleading its Big East cohorts, including a number of fellow Catholic schools by giving assurances of fidelity while secretly negotiating with the ACC.
At today's press conference, however, BC switched focus from the low regard in which it is now held by northeasterners and Catholics and stressed its commonality with the fundamentalist Protestant and NASCAR base to which it aspires. Presiding over the event was University President and holder of the Bernard Law chair in Clerical Ethics, Rev William P. Leahy, S.J. In prepared remarks Leahy proclaimed "We are a great fit for the ACC and will find many schools with whom we have much in common. BC combines the academic distinction of Florida State, Clemson and North Carolina State, the athletic tradition of Wake Forest, the commitment to ethics and morality of Miami and the female pulchritude of Duke. We will be right at home."
At the press conference, Leahy also announced another major change. Tired of spending years being confused with Boston University and being thought of as "just a college", BC used the occasion of its entry into the ACC to announce a name change. Said Leahy, "from this day forward, the ACC school formerly known as Boston College will be referred to as the University of Boston in Chestnut Hill." Speaking before a huge banner emblazoned with the new UBICH logo, Leahy said, "we feel this new name will more accurately capture our new direction for the new century." ACC sportswriters covering the event were all provided with bright yellow and maroon t-shirts proclaiming "The ACC's Got A New BICH!" (as evidenced by BICH's egg laying in Blacksburg last night....)
In a nod to its past athletic pedigree, UBICH has announced the construction of a new Sports Heritage Hall. Said Leahy, "The goal is to show future athletes who want to be BICHes just what type of tradition they are going to have to live up to. Thirty-foot statues of Bill Romonowski, Mark Chmura and Chris Hovan will guard the entry. Gillette will also sponsor a "Close Shave" exhibition hall honoring BC's repeated involvement with the rich connection between sports and gambling. A display case entitled "Short and Swish" will highlight the contributions to sports journalism made by Alumni BICHes Mike Lupica and Bob Ryan, and includes all five copies sold of Lupica's thirty-two sports novels and service copies of restraining orders against Ryan on behalf of Mrs Jason Kidd as well as a local paperboy. An empty room will await trophies symbolizing national championships in football, mens or women's basketball, baseball, or mens or women's soccer. A gold-plated titanium vault will house every game ball evidencing a victory, first-down, change of possession or time-out charged against Notre Dame.
Leahy also announced a desire to extend and expand the profit-making portion of BC's athletic schedule by entering into home-and-home every other week games against Notre Dame in every sport, plus ultimate frisbee. It is expected that BC could guarantee ticket purchases by every living alumni for an ultimate frisbee match with the Irish in the former Alumni Stadium, newly-renamed "The BICH Ditch." Cognizant that sporting events with Notre Dame combined with student-athlete wagering winnings account for the totality of the school's sporting revenue, Father Leahy also offered two-for one home and away games as well as two gross of SuperFan t-shirts to sweeten the deal for the Irish.
Notre Dame, while declining to immediately respond to the request for an expanded relationship, offered a statement from Executive Vice President John Affleck-Graves: "Years ago Notre Dame decided it would be nice to develop a football relationship with a truly distinguished institution of higher learning in the Boston metropolitan area. Boston University, Harvard, MIT, Holy Cross, Stonehill, Northeastern, Bunker Hill Vocational College and Joe's Roxbury Barber College don't play Division One football, however, so we were pleased to enter into a contract with Boston College. And naturally, when we joined the Big East, much as you spend time with your less wealthy, less attractive, less interesting cousin Barney at Christmas, so we were pleased and happy out of a sense of obligation to play Boston College in other sports. We congratulate BC on its new role as BICH in the ACC and wish them well. We are evaluating future athletic relationships in order to now determine whether, when it comes to revenue-generating home games, the BICH is on her own. In any event, no matter what future relations are, all graduates of Notre Dame and the BICHes we have come to know will always have a special bond and share one thing in common, having all filled out the same college application." The statement went on to point out that even if relations ceased, BICHes could continue to satisfy their intense interest in Notre Dame as all Irish football games will be nationally televised in perpetuity.
