Funnies About College Football Players

[Irish Jacky]

Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."
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Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?

So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
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What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?

Drool.
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How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a sophomore course.
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How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk?

The cow fell on him.
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Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods.

One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."

The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
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A University of Cincinnati football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident.

He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death.

Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse. ___________________________________________ ___________________________________________

What do you say to a University of Miami Hurricane football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "

"Will the defendant please rise."
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If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?

The police officer.
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How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?

There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
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What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?

A full set of teeth.
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University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week;

the other half will have to dress themselves.
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How is the Indiana football team like an opossum?

They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
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Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car?

He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
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How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza.
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What are the longest three years of a University of Kentucky football player’s life?

Freshman I, Freshman II, and Freshman III.

 

[Redbar]

SEC Media Days 2013: What They Meant To Say
William Wallace @WillWallaceSEC
Published July 19, 2013 - 1:50pm


Mike Slive, SEC Commissioner

“The SEC is considering buying the NFL.”

Johnny Manziel, Texas A&M QB

“They sent the oldest Manning brother, Cooper, and he told me to wake up and come to the film session. I laughed in his face, threw up the double birds and went back to sleep. Listen, I probably would have woken up for Peyton Manning, maybe the younger one or the old man, but Fredo Manning? No chance.” – On leaving the Manning Quarterback Camp

“How many Heisman’s have the Manning family won? That’s right, zero. These fools need to hit up my quarterback camp… It’s held in Panama City every March… Tell them to bring a flat-billed hat… and pick up some beer.”

“Have you seen his tattoo? Yeah, A.J. McCarron always makes great decisions.”

Alabama Head Coach Nick Saban

“I’ve spent the offseason tapping into a more powerful energy source. As a result I’m no longer a regular human like the rest of you in this room, despite our similar appearance; instead I’m more of a spiritual essence, a deity. I’m not saying I’m necessarily your God, but I am a God.” – On how he celebrated back to back titles

“Coaches calling me the devil don’t even get it. I’m operating on a higher consciousness than the Devil they grew up knowing. If you did a power rankings of Spiritual Beings and related those to a Power Ranking of SEC Coaches I would still be me and the Devil would be somewhere in the James Franklin range.” – On being called the Devil by SEC Coaches

“I am the Nucleus.” – On his role in College Football and the Universe

“Visiting my mind is like visiting the Hermès factory. Sh*t is real. You’re not going to find a chink. It’s 100,000 percent Jimi Hendrix.” – On how he will game plan for Johnny Manziel

“What is a Bear Bryant? I don’t understand your question.”

Kevin Sumlin, Texas A&M Head Coach

“Recruiting against Texas is actually pretty easy. Listen, I’m 48 but if I told you I was 35 you would believe it. Mack Brown is almost 62 but if I told you he was 79 years old you would believe it. So I start by telling every recruit that Mack Brown is 79 years old…”

Will Muschamp, Florida Head Coach

“Urban Meyer took a break from ignoring his family and mentoring murderers to report the University of Florida for minor NCAA violations? Yeah, that guy has his priorities straight.”

Les Miles, LSU Head Coach

“It doesn’t look good for the program when you see running back Jeremy Hill on film punching a man in the back of the head, but it looks worse when it’s his non-football buddy who actually manages to knock the guy out.”

“Alabama plays Tennessee and Missouri from the SEC East. Combined, they went 1-15 in the SEC. We play Florida and Georgia. Combined, they went 14-2. I’m just saying.”


Mark Richt, Georgia Head Coach

“It’s the only thing I think about. I literally have no other thoughts.”

A.J. McCarron, Alabama Quarterback

“No, I didn’t have time to take batting practice at every major league stadium this offseason. Between hanging out with my Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model girlfriend and watching my highlights from the BCS Championship game, I just didn’t have the time.”

Mark Stoops, Kentucky Head Coach

“My brother has lost all touch with reality. He plays maybe one challenging in-conference game every year then goes and gets smoked in the bowls. He used to be a great coach but victory has made him weak.”

“I’ll be honest, this season is going to be a disaster and I have very little hope for the future. I took this job just so I could get good tickets to see the basketball team play this year. Julius Randle? Andrew Harrison? They could beat most NBA teams!”

Gus Malzahn, Auburn Head Coach

“If you break down who was responsible for our National Championship it would go 60% Cam Newton, 40% Gus Malzahn and 0% Gene Chizik. Dude was worthless.”

Bret Bielema, Arkansas Head Coach

“This was a total cash grab. I can’t even look myself in the mirror.”

Steve Spurrier, South Carolina Head Coach

“Arkansas’ coach is named Bielema? Isn’t that when hot girls throw up their food to stay skinny?”

“Part of me is happy that I get to go an entire season without having to watch Marcus Lattimore’s leg fall off again.”

“I’m being totally honest with you when I say there is a 60% chance Jadeveon Clowney kills somebody on the field this year.”

Jadeveon Clowney, South Carolina Defensive End

“I’d say 100%.”

James Franklin, Vanderbilt Head Coach

“I think I’d be great at USC after they get rid of that clown Kiffin. Clemson is a dark horse, too.” – On his coaching future

Gary Pinkel, Missouri Head Coach

“We’ve made a huge mistake.”

Butch Jones, Tennessee Head Coach

“I’ve never even heard of me either"