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Rakes Of Mallow :: An Unofficial Notre Dame Fighting Irish Blog
BREAKING NEWS: Weis announces Georgia Tech starter in surprise Thursday morning press conference
By CW Section: Football
Posted on Thu Aug 16, 2007 at 06:03:02 AM EDT
In a surprise move before Thursday's morning practice, Charlie Weis held an impromptu press conference to announce his new starting quarterback.
"Now I know I told you I wasn't saying anything until our first game," said the third year Irish head coach, "but after some creative thinking from my staff, I've made the decision."
"Coach Brown, who I'm sure you all remember was an English major back in his undergrad days, called me the other night at home and pitched this idea, which I thought was just great. He was up re-reading Mary Shelley's Frankenstein and found some inspiration in how to solve this little quarterback problem of ours. After some inspired work by our biology department here at the University, I'm proud to announce to you the Notre Dame Fighting Irish's starting quarterback for the 2007 season, Jimevantrius Sharpjonesen."
Sharpjonesen is a miracle of modern medicine, as he combines the legs of Demetrius Jones, the torso and arms of Jimmy Clausen and the head and brain of Evan Sharpley. Instead of trying to choose between the pros and cons of each of his potential signal-callers, Weis chose to combine the three through a potentially dangerous surgery that gives the Irish the very best in speed, throwing mechanics and experience from their QB depth chart all in the same player.
"Jimevantrius obviously had some issues getting adjusted to things at first," continued Weis, "but he's well on his way to realizing he can run a 4.4 40 while delivering a perfectly thrown out pattern."
In order to comply with NCAA regulation, the totality of all three players must attend classes, and while they're all excited for this opportunity in the fields of both science and football, there is some hesitation. Sharpley's head expressed concern about how silly Clausen's haircut looked on his torso and limbs, while Jones' head and upper body were not pleased with their new found "slow, white boy legs", transplanted from Weis' new prize freshman.
"We're looking at perhaps experimenting with swapping back and forth the heads, as we see the possibility to have Demetrius study Michigan while Jimmy studies Boston College, both for weeks at a time, then switching that knowledge onto our special guy here. I've been talking to the College of Science, and they figure that sort of procedure might be possible by the Penn State game."
Weis bristled when reporters brought up the idea that perhaps such a decision would be against NCAA regulations.
"Don't even bring up the NCAA in regards to this when a lot of other stuff like this is let slide year after year," sneered Weis, referencing certain players at Southern Cal, Texas and Georgia Tech. "Reggie Bush is anointed with ambrosia and passed through fire, nobody says a word. Vince Young gets injected with the same Super-Soldier serum they used on Captain America, and everybody's just excited to see him in the Rose Bowl a couple of times. Heck, Calvin Johnson got bit by a radioactive gazelle, but the only sort of restriction they put on that was Reggie Ball had to be his quarterback in order to limit the usefulness of his mutations."
Although prodded by the press to do so, Weis did not bring up the persistent rumors that Penn State head coach Joe Paterno has actually split his soul into several horcruxes, including his statue outside Beaver Stadium, Kerry Collin's 1994 Maxwell Award and a pint of Peachy Paterno ice cream he has hidden away in his basement, which make him essentially immortal.
Defensive Coordinator Corwin Brown was excited by the possibilities of the experiment in improving his defense. If the Sharpjonesen project goes well, Brown plans on cloning some of his own brain tissue and transplanting it into the cerebellums of his cornerbacks. Brown, who was an All-Big Ten cornerback and played in the NFL for eight years, felt that would be an easier option than trying to teach the beleaguered Irish secondary how to cover.
Weis made it clear that after the season was over, all three players would be returned to their pre-surgery forms, where they'd compete with incoming freshman Dayne Crist for the starting spot in 2008.
"If no one is clearly ahead coming into the season next summer," said Weis, "we just might have to try this whole thing over again."
"I'm going to wear the number three," said Sharpjonesen in a brief interview before practice. "When you factor in the significance of that number to Irish football's mythology and consider the situation at QB-One, three seems like the ideal choice. Um, do you think I - er, we - should say `I'm' or `we're'? God, I don't even know if I'm singular or plural..."
Notre Dame opens the season against Georgia Tech on September 1st at 3:30 on NBC.
BREAKING NEWS: Weis announces Georgia Tech starter in surprise Thursday morning press conference
By CW Section: Football
Posted on Thu Aug 16, 2007 at 06:03:02 AM EDT
In a surprise move before Thursday's morning practice, Charlie Weis held an impromptu press conference to announce his new starting quarterback.
"Now I know I told you I wasn't saying anything until our first game," said the third year Irish head coach, "but after some creative thinking from my staff, I've made the decision."
"Coach Brown, who I'm sure you all remember was an English major back in his undergrad days, called me the other night at home and pitched this idea, which I thought was just great. He was up re-reading Mary Shelley's Frankenstein and found some inspiration in how to solve this little quarterback problem of ours. After some inspired work by our biology department here at the University, I'm proud to announce to you the Notre Dame Fighting Irish's starting quarterback for the 2007 season, Jimevantrius Sharpjonesen."
Sharpjonesen is a miracle of modern medicine, as he combines the legs of Demetrius Jones, the torso and arms of Jimmy Clausen and the head and brain of Evan Sharpley. Instead of trying to choose between the pros and cons of each of his potential signal-callers, Weis chose to combine the three through a potentially dangerous surgery that gives the Irish the very best in speed, throwing mechanics and experience from their QB depth chart all in the same player.
"Jimevantrius obviously had some issues getting adjusted to things at first," continued Weis, "but he's well on his way to realizing he can run a 4.4 40 while delivering a perfectly thrown out pattern."
In order to comply with NCAA regulation, the totality of all three players must attend classes, and while they're all excited for this opportunity in the fields of both science and football, there is some hesitation. Sharpley's head expressed concern about how silly Clausen's haircut looked on his torso and limbs, while Jones' head and upper body were not pleased with their new found "slow, white boy legs", transplanted from Weis' new prize freshman.
"We're looking at perhaps experimenting with swapping back and forth the heads, as we see the possibility to have Demetrius study Michigan while Jimmy studies Boston College, both for weeks at a time, then switching that knowledge onto our special guy here. I've been talking to the College of Science, and they figure that sort of procedure might be possible by the Penn State game."
Weis bristled when reporters brought up the idea that perhaps such a decision would be against NCAA regulations.
"Don't even bring up the NCAA in regards to this when a lot of other stuff like this is let slide year after year," sneered Weis, referencing certain players at Southern Cal, Texas and Georgia Tech. "Reggie Bush is anointed with ambrosia and passed through fire, nobody says a word. Vince Young gets injected with the same Super-Soldier serum they used on Captain America, and everybody's just excited to see him in the Rose Bowl a couple of times. Heck, Calvin Johnson got bit by a radioactive gazelle, but the only sort of restriction they put on that was Reggie Ball had to be his quarterback in order to limit the usefulness of his mutations."
Although prodded by the press to do so, Weis did not bring up the persistent rumors that Penn State head coach Joe Paterno has actually split his soul into several horcruxes, including his statue outside Beaver Stadium, Kerry Collin's 1994 Maxwell Award and a pint of Peachy Paterno ice cream he has hidden away in his basement, which make him essentially immortal.
Defensive Coordinator Corwin Brown was excited by the possibilities of the experiment in improving his defense. If the Sharpjonesen project goes well, Brown plans on cloning some of his own brain tissue and transplanting it into the cerebellums of his cornerbacks. Brown, who was an All-Big Ten cornerback and played in the NFL for eight years, felt that would be an easier option than trying to teach the beleaguered Irish secondary how to cover.
Weis made it clear that after the season was over, all three players would be returned to their pre-surgery forms, where they'd compete with incoming freshman Dayne Crist for the starting spot in 2008.
"If no one is clearly ahead coming into the season next summer," said Weis, "we just might have to try this whole thing over again."
"I'm going to wear the number three," said Sharpjonesen in a brief interview before practice. "When you factor in the significance of that number to Irish football's mythology and consider the situation at QB-One, three seems like the ideal choice. Um, do you think I - er, we - should say `I'm' or `we're'? God, I don't even know if I'm singular or plural..."
Notre Dame opens the season against Georgia Tech on September 1st at 3:30 on NBC.
