NEWS BULLETIN: Transitive Football Herpes spreads like wildfire across Big Ten; infects Pac-10 and MAC as well

The TFH VirusIndianapolis, Indiana: With disease-ridden UCLA’s victory over California this past Saturday, the Pac-10 conference has now seen its second member infected with a deadly strain of Transitive Football Herpes that has been casting an ominous cloud over the college football landscape since Div. I-AA Appalachian State’s opening-week victory over Michigan and Michigan’s subsequent victory over Notre Dame two weeks later, increasing its prominence from a mere two teams on the eve of the fourth week of the season to a robust fourteen as the schedule heads into week nine. The Bruins were infected in week six by the Fighting Irish, who thankfully have remained otherwise winless through the first two-thirds of their schedule.

The same has not been true for Michigan, as the resurgent Wolverines have been sowing their diseased oats throughout their own conference, with victories over previously-uninfected Penn State in week four, Northwestern in week five, and Purdue in week seven. Along the way, Michigan also managed in week six to pass the virus along to Eastern Michigan of the Mid-American Conference, a team that has thankfully remained winless in conference play since then and so has not yet managed to pass the condition along to any of its interim partners.

The MAC and the Pac-10 stand on the precipice of the sort of outbreak that has brought the Big Ten to its proverbial knees over the past month and a half: with the exception of Purdue, each of the teams infected by Michigan has won at least one game since contracting TFH, and several of the teams they infected have in their turn spread the disease to yet another vanquished foe. At present, ten of the Big Ten’s eleven [sic] members are carriers of the virus, with undefeated Ohio State the lone exception.

The following charts provide a graphical representation of the current scope of the damage (click to enlarge):

The first graphic details the overall spread of the virus, broken down by conference affiliation, while the chart on the right hand side chronicles the total number of teams infected with TFH at the end of each week of the season. As it makes clear, ten of the fourteen currently infected squads came down with the virus since the end of week five, though its spread tapered off a bit from weeks seven to eight once the infection rate in the Big Ten neared saturation.

Speaking to the media at an emergency press conference, NCAA spokeswoman Gail Dent expressed hope that the fact that the remainder of the season consists largely of intra-conference games will contain the TFH outbreak within the three conferences already infected, though she added that “if Notre Dame gets their sh*t together and takes out a few more teams before the end of the year, we could see several more conferences go down.”

“The only solution,” added NCAA president Myles Brand after Dent’s statement, is for the 105 uninfected teams to “STOP FREAKING LOSING TO TEAMS THAT HAVE LOST TO TEAMS THAT HAVE LOST TO TEAMS THAT HAVE LOST TO FREAKING MICHIGAN.” In response to a reporter’s question, Brand said that he too took “comfort” in the fact that most teams were playing primarily within-conference games now, so that perhaps the disease would restrict itself to “those select groups of morons who have already brought this plague upon themselves,” adding: “It’s kind of like back when I was in college, you know, before condoms and all, and we swingers would take care of ourselves by sectioning off into little groups and just hoping that nobody in our circle came down with something. Gotta keep it in the family, you know?”

Reached for comment via telephone, Department of Health and Human Services secretary Michael Leavitt reiterated the Bush Administration’s official position that intervarsity abstinence is the best way to avoid TFH and other athletically-transmitted diseases, but remarked also that “if these idiots are going to keep whoring around on Saturday afternoons, the least they could do is use a bit of common sense and stop f**king losing.”

In the meantime, the non-fatal but still unpleasantly itchy counterpart to the TFH virus, Transitive Football Crabs with Backwards Causation, has been having an utter field day with the NCAA. Unlike TFH, TFCwBC is able to spread not only when a team loses to a team that is already infected, but can “backtrack,” and so infect any team that has suffered a loss to an infected team, even if the victorious squad becomes infected only later on. For example: although Cal did not lose to a TFH-infected team until last Saturday and so has not yet been able to pass that virus on to any other opponents, TFCwBC has already managed to seek out and infect Tennessee, Colorado State, Louisiana Tech, Arizona, and Oregon, all of whom lost to the Bears earlier in the season. While the NCAA does not maintain any official statistics on TFCwBC, information obtained by the Irish Roundup indicates that at present, the only BCS Subdivision teams not to have been infected by this condition are undefeated Boston College, Kansas, Ohio State, Arizona State, and Hawaii. But with the way the college football season has been going so far, each of these teams must be well aware that they are only a slip-up away from a bad case of crabs.

Stay tuned to the Irish Roundup for further TFH/TFCwBC updates.

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